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Nick Mullens owes me a gift basket. You want to know why? Because I made him an instant star.
That’s right. I have an incredible, superhuman power. Teams I think are good, I can make them turn bad, and bad ones I can turn good. I can dictate outcomes of actual NFL games. Unfortunately, those outcomes always are in direct contrast to my intention and desire. At least, always on Thursday nights.
Nine times this season I have made a pick of record in The Post. Nine times I have lost. The Falcons, Ravens, Jets, Vikings, Colts, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins and Raiders — all have fallen victim to the brawn of my personal jinx.
Take the latest Thursday casualty of my inverse omnipotence, the Raiders, who were pasted last week by the 49ers. Yes, the same 49ers who were starting third-string quarterback Nick Mullens. No doubt, had I picked the 49ers, Mullens would have performed more like Nathan Peterman than Jimmy Garoppolo. But I picked the Raiders, and now Mullens is on his way to the Hall of Fame.
Mr. Mullens, for my generosity, even if by accident, I will gladly thank you in advance for the generous gift, something reciprocal for the incredible gift I gave to you by picking your opponent.
The good news for bettors is: At least I’m dependable. Why trust those know-nothings who pick about half right and about half wrong? Why not just flip a coin? But if you know every time I call heads the coin magically lands on tails, isn’t that more reliable advice — even if you use it as counter-advice? It’s like the Midas Anti-touch. If I pick it, don’t touch it. Do the opposite. It works every time.
The next victims of Mr. Thursday Naught are the Panthers. I have done better picking Panthers games this season than I have Thursday nighters — a robust 1-7 … 0-1 picking for them and 1-6 picking against.
Thursday, the Panthers are getting four points at Pittsburgh. This is a Steelers team coming off a bruising battle on the road against the arch-rival Ravens, which they won. The Panthers coasted, albeit sloppily in the second half, to a home win over the Buccaneers.
The Steelers are giving up more than a field goal to a 6-2 team, on a short week, after a big win against a hated opponent, and amid new news/non-news regarding disgruntled holdout running back Le’Veon Bell.
I just can’t pick the Steelers in this spot. It doesn’t make sense. But as this season has proved, none of my picks make sense. So this is terrible news for the Panthers.
I’m taking Carolina. Who are you taking? And, hey, Nick Mullens, where’s that gift basket?
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