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I have just made a very intense trip to Israel. Intense because my FirstBorn becomes a bar mitzvah this fall and this trip was to celebrate this important rite of pbadage. Intense because I could see him at the Wailing Wall, the most sacred site of our people. Intense because he chose a tallis (prayer shawl) and t-fillin (ritual objects used for daily prayer), which will be his for the rest of his life. Intense because it is the journey that he will remember that we took in honor of his commitment and commitment to his people as a Jew.
But mostly it was intense because my ex-husband and I were both on this trip. We decided as a divorced couple (six years ago) to travel together. Like a family. And also, just to increase the intensity, we brought our moms. Yes, you've heard me: WE INTRODUCED OUR MOMS. (Shouting in case you did not hear me.)
Then. Me and the ex. Our sons of 12 and 9 years old. My mother. His mother. Nobody else. Yep. In. Tense.
Yes, it is unusual. Yes it was hard. It was also incredibly incredible. Here are the highlights of the day on an intense and glorious day.
Day 1: Traveling from Los Angeles to Tel Aviv in 14 hours of flight with your ex-husband is very difficult. We are not used to traveling together. He has his ways, of course. We have always had different styles of travel. We are still doing. He is more oriented towards the details. I am more spontaneous. He worries when we leave the house; I'm anxious when we start going home. He is more affected by heat; Until early hot flashes, I was not affected by the heat.
I forgot to book a greeter, a sophisticated service that allows you to spend more quickly at the airport and with fewer people coming to you. ask for photos and others. I thought it might be helpful and less hectic with five of us traveling together (his mother met us in Israel), so I was supposed to fix that. But I forgot plum. We did not have to greet. And we were here with me frantically trying to have one last minute. And the ex is patient but obviously stressful. Because I'm stressful and on the phone and I already feel like I'm letting everyone down. And that's only the first day. And we did not even leave the city where we live.
Day 2: We land after a rather successful flight. Our boys are super excited. I am mostly sweaty and maybe have another hot flash (see here how my first hit hard on the set of TBBT ). I drive from the airport to the house of my aunt and uncle while the ex sails. He is a very good navigator but, oh, guess what: Waze is only available in Hebrew in Israel. So the ex who does not read Hebrew is stressed – I would be too – but I also drive in a foreign country and try to read signs in Arabic, Hebrew and English while managing not to hit bikes, camels and any other way things on the roads of Israel. We sit in the upper rooms of my aunt and uncle's house. A child with each of us and my mother in her own room. The mother of the ex will join us when her synagogue tour will allow us.
Day 3: We leave my mother with our family and head to a complicated area of the West Bank. We see Hebron at a distance and FirstBorn poses many important questions about the Palestinians and the cities we are going through where they live. I am grateful to my ex and I have so much in common in politics. Our two bleeding liberal hearts who evaluate many of Israel 's policies and practices towards the Palestinians with a critical eye, we are also proud of the state of Israel and hope to inculcate in. our sons the knowledge and understanding of the importance of Israel and its security needs and autonomy.
Day 4: We begin a tour of the city of David, which is an archaeological exploration of the original city of King David. It is located below the Old City of Jerusalem, and it is one of the most impressive archaeological digs of the last 10 years. We walk mainly in the depths of the ankle but sometimes in the thighs in the cbads of the City of David and Little Man is not particularly thrilled with this part of our trip. My ex handles it differently than I would (my inclination would be to tell him to rebel and go to the water) but everyone ends up having a blast. We meet my mother-in-law and get a fantastic divorced family photo in front of the Western Wall. That's when the ex and I came in and besides me sweaty, not having the time to check my hair and hate my body, the picture is amazing .
Day 5: We are leaving my mother With her sister and my cousins, we are all heading towards the Ramon crater, the largest crater in the world. We do some tours on the way of the sites in Israel that are mentioned in the Bar Mitzvah Torah section of my son. We see the Jordan, views of Gush Etziyon, and even the site where David and Goliath could have fought. Our guide is enthusiastic and competent. (His name is Yomi Groner for all those who need a good tour guide of this area!) The former manages to capture our guide on video by saying something that we all four absolutely hysterical when we replay it at the crater. We literally laugh until tears come. My ex has a fantastic laugh when he really leaves and it is contagious.
It's special to laugh like that together. We went through a lot of things. Many tears, loss and pain. We always find funny things together and we laugh as only one family can do it.
Day 6: Shabbat is a day of rest. My phone is off, and I am present all day as you can only be if you turn off your phone. We get up at 5 am to watch the sun rise on the crater. Then I nap. We eat breakfast, I nap. We swim in the infinity pool, and I try not to cry because I see women with bodies much closer to what I would like to look like. I also notice women with bodies much heavier than mine who walk in bikinis with confidence. My ex walks with confidence. I take a nap again. We observe the native ibex wandering on the grounds of our hotel. I take a nap again. I discuss throwing my phone again in the crater. I take a nap again. Shabbat is ending, my credit card number has been compromised and I have to cancel it. The stress comes back in a moment. We are doing a star-gazing tour with a man I want to move in (if his wife allows it) named Moshe Kagan. I see the four moons of Jupiter and Saturn with its rings. We see craters on the moon and constellations that I never see very much because on the other side of the world and everything. It's magical.
This is a unique trip for our sons. I miss Manfriend, but I also spend an incredible time living all this here and now with my ex and our children. Both can exist at once
Day 7: We hike three hours into the crater with Magical Moshe (as I now call it), and we drive a long way to civilization. We take my mother and head for the kibbutz where the rest of my family lives. I drive, the ex sails.
The crater of Ramon is amazing. Israel is a very small country (the size of New Hampshire), but you can drive for hours and hours and still feel that you have barely scratched the surface of it. Thank goodness for the navigation of the ex and thanks for sufficient therapy that I do not take personally if he says that I am too close to the car in front of me.
Day 8: We spend the day in Tel Aviv. We buy souvenirs. We eat amazing vegan food in Meshek Barzilay and Little Man just has a hard day. It is incredibly hot, there is a lot of walking and a lot of driving time to visit my uncle who just has a bypbad. That's a lot, and he and his brother are starting to quarrel, and I can not stop correcting my mother. She's cheating on things and I can not shut up. She's making a joke I think is a little off-color, and I'm looking at her about it. It's tense. It's very hot. Or is it a hot flash? Both, maybe …
When everyone is hot and hungry and that he is tired of being in the car, no matter what treatment you have received. It's hard not to break everyone. Making amends (which I did when we returned to the kibbutz) is not disempowering; it's empowering.
Day 9: We visit Leket Israel, an organization that "saves" the food and unused products of all Israel and redistributes it to the poor. Our boys pack and inspect beets, oranges and turnips for hours and we help FirstBorn to put the "mitzvah" in bar mitzvah (a mitzvah being a good deed commanded by God's obligation to repair the world). Read about our full day at Leket Isreal here.
We swim on the kibbutz and we pack. Everyone seems to be relaxing emotionally just in time for Little Man to experience anxiety related to the trip.
The journey is a top-down experience. We divorced is not the reason why some times are more difficult than others. If we did not have the commitment to our children that we seek to have, it could be much more difficult. As it is, it is hard. But it is okay. It's life.
Day 10: Again, the service that I have to help us register and located fails and we end up waiting with me by calling people on two phones to try to understand where to go and what to do. I see how quickly I react to my ex's emotions, and I remember staying focused on myself and what I need to do rather than trying to fix it. We finally settled and registered and on the flight. Everybody Sleeps
Take Home a Message: I'm no longer able to control my ex now that I could when we were married. I now know how to let him be and let him have his feelings without controlling or controlling him. We are parents differently. Our children revolve around him especially now that they become young men. I do my best and we always want their health and happiness. My mother and the mother of the ex found themselves in front of the Wailing Wall with us in a photo that we can all admit is nothing short of a miracle: a family divided by the divorce in a city divided by religion and politics in a country divided by borders in a world so often divided by hatred but ultimately supported by love.
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