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Vampire Weekend has launched a new album today, which is great news in rock because, well, it's seemingly the best that rock can offer right now. You may remember the Vampire Weekend since they first appeared on the scene more than a decade ago, dressing like in 1996 and standing out from other indie rock bands even more odious. Take this quote from singer Ezra Koenig who makes an unfortunate appearance towards the end of Lizzy Goodman's excellent oral history on the New York turn of the century rock scene:
In a way, I managed to avoid the music of this band in the following years, although I certainly certainly encountered it, unintentionally, as ambient background music in an Urban Outfitters somewhere. Look at me, man. A group like this will find me its way. And if the vampires' weekend has not really fallen on my good ear, today, I put a definitive end to this pilgrimage. I took it upon myself to listen to their new album, "Father of the Bride" (not a soundtrack!) To see how long I could stand it.
Please note that this album lasts 58 minutes, which is an insult to both rock AND New York. For a warm up, I went back and tried their hit "Oxford Comma", not to be confused with their other hit "Adidas Ababa". I have lasted 90 seconds. At first glance, it is a group whose ultimate ambition seems to be to mark a sequence of open generic Wes Anderson. But can they switch? Already? This is possible? Time for me to discover …
TRACK 1 – KEEPING NOW
Oh my god, a fucking children's choir. Unless you are the Rolling Stones, there is no indication that you are putting too much effort into sending the Vienna Boys Choir on the spot to sell a hook to the masses. Danielle Haim is also on this acoustic track, which is intended to be described as "flattering" by critics who want Bon Iver to resume his first album again. Please note that "Hold Me Now "Thompson Twins is the best entry in songs about people who must be held immediately.
TRIS 2 – HARMONY HALL
Oh, well it's just Sting failed. By the way, the cover of "Father of the Bride" looks like the opening slide of a seventh-grade country report (Koenig chooses Surinam). This song will end up in a touching announcement of Jack in the Box, in which Jack comforts the mentally ill with a FML Bacon & Swiss Buttery Jack combo.
TRACK 3 – BAMBINA
Bored, it sounds like the other two songs. Like The Shins made a unique album after scoring a djembe during a garage sale.
TRACK 4 – THIS LIFE
Baby, I know that pain is as natural as rain
I just thought it was not raining in California
I will not succeed through all this album. Weed is not going to improve things, I bet. In order for you to fully enjoy this album, you must have a EXTREMELY hangover and let it melt on the outside. You must play at a volume equal to 1 while you make Hungry Jack pancakes for a dog. This is not a music that should exist in the foreground and center of any matter.
TRACK 5/6 – LARGE BLUE / HOW LONG
As you may have heard, members of Vampire Weekend went to Colombia. You know they're insightful guys because A) they'll tell you, and B) they know they can add little Vocoder cameos and other fancy accents to otherwise traditional songs on an experimental basis. It was a gesture that Wilco was doing very well until the group hired Nels Cline and suddenly turned into The Eagles.
TRACK 7 – UNBEARABLY WHITE
Honestly, it would be better if this title is up to the title. Instead, the title serves as a useless wink over a song that sounds like a deep resonance of an unpublished album of Vampire Weekend Christmas.
I can not take the rest of that. I love myself too much. Let's go through the rest of the nap of our coffee and see if there is any hope.
TRACK 8 – RICH MAN
Nope. This one has some chains, though. When you want to convey emotions in a song, never trust a children's choir to do the work of a string section. All the songs in this band should be on a vampire weekend, but my colleague, Lauren Theisen, says they only have one called, of course, "Walcott."
Walcott
Do not you know that's crazy?
You do not want to get out of Cape Cod?
Outside Cape Cod tonight?
Walcott
The mystical seaport is like that
Do not you know that your life could be lost?
Cape Cod tonight
Walcott
Christ. Someone has read "Howl" too many times. I want songs like "All Right For Bloodsuckin 'on Saturday night," "No Garlic At This Rave" and "Partyin' All Night, because the sun literally kills us," etc. Bunch of beat-ass vampires having a clambake in Wellfleet.
TRACK 9 – MARRIED AT A RUSHURE OF GOLD
Nope. No rock here either. Ezra Koenig sings as he had a plane to take. They also bury his voice very low in the mix because it is clearly for the better. Anyway, if you're looking for some sliced cultural commentary from this man, this is the best he can muster:
Something is happening in the country
And the government is to blame
TAKE THIS, REPUBLICAN'TS.
TRACK 12 – SUNFLOWER
Ok here we go. This song is fucking terrible. This one has scattered songs. Until now, these acoustic tracks were rather nice and dressed for people who would not dare to demand anything from their music. But now, the group is fully engaged in the "second year at college: he discovers a crap of vanguard" and prepares warm up ranges. DO MI RE FA MI FLOOR FLOOR FLOOR DO IT TO DO … BABABADOO DOOBEEDEE ACKALACKA!
That's all. I have finished. I will listen to the rest of this story. Not for "Spring Snow". No for "Jerusalem, New York, Berlin". No for "Not Frances Ha-Ha, but …" Not for "Know Unicycle". It's a music made to extract rock from the world, to purge it of its vitality. But before I go officially, let's go back and listen to "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" from their first album …
Annnndnddddd my day is in ruins. Bone sucked dry. Vampire Weekend is playing live in Washington Square Park right now, because of course they are. But if you need me, I will detox while listening to Bob Mold.
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