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Refinery29
Therapist’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving Family Drama
Ah, Thanksgiving. For many, the day is a time of bliss, merriment, and delicious food – but for others, it’s a source of stress and anxiety, thanks to the family drama around the dinner table. Maybe you have a strained relationship with a family member, or maybe the election is making things particularly toxic this year in particular. Either way, the last thing you want is a relaxing day off to turn into an incredibly stressful situation you have to deal with – even if it’s on a Covid secure Zoom call. You can’t control the actions of others, but there are some things you can do to protect your own sanity from any tension that might arise during Thanksgiving. Consider the following strategies backed by experts as your unofficial Thanksgiving 2020 survival guide. Know your own triggers. Before the holidays, take a few minutes to figure out what tends to trigger you at a family reunion. Does your mood tend to flare when your Aunt Mary asks you why you’re still single, for example? Or when the speech becomes political? Knowing your triggers allows you to make a vague plan of how you handle them when they arise. It also helps you avoid inadvertently bringing up something that is actually a sensitive topic to you. “Don’t invite people into a conversation if that’s not an area you want them to go to,” says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-owner of BFF Therapy in Beacon, NY. Refinery 29. In other words, don’t tell Aunt Mary about your last crappy date if your goal is to avoid the “still single?” question. Prepare yourself with conversation topics. One of the best ways to lead a conversation is to change the subject. So brace yourself: have a handful of neutral conversation starters in your back pocket to get out when the tensions start to build. “You could have a conversation about the silver liners of the pandemic,” suggests Kristen Harrington, marriage and family therapist based in Kingston, New York. Bring Zoom – do people love it or hate it? Your old favorite vacation movies. If your old English teacher is still working in high school. Whether it is really necessary to separate the colors when washing clothes. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food. Then when your Aunt Mary asks you when you are finally getting married, you can just say, “Oh, you’re so funny. Did you watch anything good on Netflix during your quarantine? A Safe Solution: “Ask them about themselves,” says Harrington. “Then they can forget to be mean.” Allow yourself to take breaks. If you’re only home for a few days and don’t see your family often, it can be tempting to try and spend every free minute with them. But DeGeare says there’s nothing wrong with going for a brisk walk or planning a time to relax on your own. If you are feeling guilty, remember that taking time is actually the most loving thing you can do because it improves the time you spend with your family. “A lot of times, especially during the holidays, people get stuck at home and then get caught up in the cycles of childhood,” says DeGeare. “So do whatever you can to get out of this normal cycle that you are stuck in when you get home.” It means going away regularly to recharge your batteries. I’m even a fan of the really long bathroom break in really tough times. Forgive yourself for losing your temper. In a year as tumultuous as 2020, a trigger topic is sure to crop up at your vacation gathering. Enter with the intention of just having a good time, which could mean letting your family’s rude comments slip away. “Having a screaming match with someone about why they shouldn’t have voted for Trump won’t do anything,” DeGeare says. “No one is changing their vote, and that will not change their opinion on these matters which are really important.” Getting excited about it won’t get you anywhere – but still, if it does happen, let it go if you lose your temper. 2020 has been stressful, and the stress of the holidays on top of that is not a perfect combination for anyone. But, she says if you know that at some point there is a chance that you will have a conversation about current events, think about the message you really want to get across and practice it beforehand. “Having a plan for how you would like to react to this stuff can really give you a head start on the situation,” she says. And remember – at the end of the day, you can’t choose your family members. But you can choose how you cope with it and the steps you can take to protect your own sanity. Like what you see? How about a little more R29 goodness, here? Read This Before You Gather For The HolidaysHow To Quarantine Thanksgiving With Friends The CDC Insists Against Vacation Travel
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