Matthew McConaughey Apartment: A Civil Debate

Ever since we heard that Matthew McConaughey was going star in a Doritos Super Bowl commercial as a completely two-dimensional human being, we were left to wonder what could be the reasoning behind such a gadget. And after the reveal last night of the full publicity during the game’s first quarter, we can confirm that writer Lillian Stone got it right: the premise revolved around the return of the Doritos 3D, with Flat Matthew McConaughey returning to his normal body dimensions after taking a bite of the aerial and geometric snack. The problem? It spins in 3D while stuck in a vending machine. A true Homer Simpson level snack-related accident.

Members of Takeaway meals staff are torn over the Flat Matthew phenomenon. First of all, as associate editor Aimee Levitt pointed out, it should be Flat Matt, not Flat Matthew. What a wasted opportunity. But beyond that, the fact of this wispy, paper-plastered character with the face of an actor we usually know in a more bodily context was unsettling. Strange. Unstable (in the literal sense). Below we engage in a civil discussion of the pros and cons of creating Flat Matthew from Doritos.

Marnie Shure, Editor-in-Chief: My biggest problem with the vanity of this commercial isn’t that it revolves around a distinctively handsome actor who was made horrible to watch. Instead, we are not being given basic information that I believe is crucial. “Lately, I just haven’t been quite myself,” McConaughey says as we see her woven form on screen. “Before, life felt … fuller.” I understand this is a parallel to the 3D nature of these Doritos, but I am distracted by this setup: Why Is Matthew unhappy? How did he get to be in such a state that only snack vending machines can save him? I remain full of concern, not to mention the bodily horror involved.

Lillian Stone, Editor-in-Chief: I am against it. Matt is just too flat. McConaughey already strikes me as the type of guy who strangely enjoys jovial pranks, like jumping on his assistant from a dark corner or super-sticking homemade serving bananas on the set. Flathew is painted as this tragic character, but I have a feeling he is abusing his slender power for some really weird hijinks. Like sliding through the slats of a public restroom and shouting, “Someone CRAPPIN ‘?”

Aimee Levitt, Associate Editor: Maybe when you are in a state of absolute boredom you have neither the energy nor the imagination for wacky hijinks? Except for breaking into a vending machine, I guess. Maybe because it’s a gray, snowy February Monday, this announcement spoke to me on some level. Yes, only fat and salt can save us!

Allison Robicelli, Editor-in-Chief: Not even near the the strangest McConaughey’s shit I’ve ever seen.