[ad_1]
AMY: My 94-year-old mother passed away in January.
She was very specific about her gravestone because she was sensitive to her age. She said she did not want dates listed, just her name and just her name.
Since then, my siblings have added her date of death (because she does not give her age), as well as "beloved wife / mother / grandmother / great-grandmother".
She loved her children and grandchildren but never knew others and cared little about them.
Now they want to add my father's name! (They never had a good marriage), and potentially the names of our parents' direct children, including me.
I do not know if there is even enough room on the marker.
I think my mother would like to attract attention, but that's not what she said she wanted. She only wanted her name.
So, if you have any advice on the living (and the dead) and the gravestones, I would appreciate it.
I know my mother laughs about it, but I wanted to step in and tell them what she had said that she wanted.
How should I handle this?
You wonder about Graveside
Dear wonder: Tombstones have an important function for historical purposes. The cemetery where your mother is buried will have specific rules regarding the size and type of stone. You will have to follow them.
Yes, I agree that marking the year of death could be very important for future reference. Many families have a larger commemorative stone bearing the family name and individual family members listed, as well as the years of birth and death. Small markers assigned to specific funeral plots indicate who is buried there – often with only their name (in my family, only first names are used for these markers).
When a marker says, "Beloved mother, grandmother, great-grandmother …", he says that the deceased was loved by her descendants and not the other way around. Note what your mother knew and / or loved among her many descendants is not what a funerary marker is. Keep this for your family's oral history.
The names of children, grandchildren, pets, etc., are usually not placed on the gravestones – I suppose, for reasons of space, but also because the mark is used to indicate who is buried at this place, not the names of the descendants.
Yes, continue to defend your mother's wishes with your brothers and sisters. And yes, imagine her looking at her with amusement.
AMY: My niece (my older brother's daughter) is getting married in a few months. They have a destination wedding.
I was surprised not to receive invitation.
My other brother and his family received an invitation (our parents died).
When I asked my sister-in-law about this, she said that she told the bride not to bother with an invitation because I probably could not attend and that only those who their opinion, might be present would receive invitations.
Since then, I have been invited to a wine and cheese reception in our hometown before the wedding for all those who can not get married. I have also been invited to a bridal shower.
I do not participate either, because I am hurt.
Am I wrong?
Upset aunt
DEAR AUN: You are neither wrong nor right. You react proportionately to the pain you feel about being excluded from a family wedding that your brother or sister has been invited to.
The explanation of your sister-in-law does not make sense.
Some people actually seem to feel offended when they are invited to a destination wedding, which would require a substantial financial commitment on their part.
But being invited does not require a presence. And guests should not pre-emptively remove guests from a list based on their perception of the guest's ability to attend.
The only consideration to consider should be whether you want the guest to be included and this bride, obviously, only wants to include you when she is near her home.
AMY: I could literally not believe my eyes that you published the open letter of "In a Quandary", detailing the illegal abortion of his wife, about 50 years ago.
Some things should stay private! Abortion should be at the top of the list.
I am disappointed by him and by you.
Disappointed
Dear disappointed: People have free will and have the right to tell their own story, even if this story makes you uncomfortable (and others).
I give a lot of credit to this man for choosing to disclose this event. In doing so, he and his wife voluntarily surrendered part of their privacy to argue a broader point.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or on Facebook.
[ad_2]
Source link