My son is dead. How can I expect to move on?

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My son died nine years ago from an opioid overdose. He was bipolar and was trying to get his life back after college, but he went through a rough patch, made some bad choices, and left. I received grief counseling, and I’m doing better. The problem is my stepchildren. In the midst of celebrating the great events of their lives – weddings, births, career promotions – I am often gripped with grief that my son is not around and will never do these things. My habit has been to leave events alone and let my husband have happy moments with the children. But recently my daughter-in-law told me that my sudden absences cast a shadow over their lives. They think it’s time for me to move past my grief. I am confused and hurt by this. Advice?

MOTHER

I’m sorry for the loss of your son. As you well know, without me telling you, mourning takes its own form and its own time. And the pain of some loss never goes away entirely. Count your lucky stepchildren that they seem to have been spared this acquaintance so far.

Still, it looks like you can benefit from additional grief counseling or a support group. After nearly a decade of grieving your son, you may find it comforting to work toward fuller participation in joyful occasions without losing yourself in sadness.

I can also see – and I bet you can too – that leaving your stepchildren’s parties can hurt them. Instead of seeing them as selfish or callous, can you take comfort in the importance they place on your presence?

For now, tell them you’re doing the best you can. (No one can ask for more of you than that!) Then give them a choice: you’ll stay at events for as long as you can, or drop them altogether if your departure bothers them. It’s not a perfect solution, but it might be the best you can do right now.

A friend of mine sends me messages all the time for restaurant suggestions when he goes out to eat. But he never asks me to join him. Faithful to Social Q standards, I gladly recommend it without delay. But it seems strange to me. Should I ask him the question?

Mr.

You can, but only after rephrasing the problem: your friend clearly respects you (and your palate), as well as your judgment about dining out. It is a compliment! He’s also fallen into a lazy habit of using you as a go-to resource. (It happens.)

Help him break this habit in a way that doesn’t make him feel ashamed. Say, “I’m flattered that you respect my opinion!” Next time, let’s all go out together. It can help reset your relationship and remind her that you are a real person, not just a restaurant review aggregator.

A dear friend and her husband are leaving the state in a few weeks. I offered to organize a little departure party for them, and they agreed. Now, three days before the party, my friend asked me to cancel it. She said she didn’t have the bandwidth to help with the party, and suggested we all meet at a local bar instead. But I didn’t ask for any help! I was delighted to do this for her as a sign of friendship. I am confused and hurt. How can I show up at the bar with a smile on my face?

FRIEND

I understand how you feel. It’s not uncommon, however, for good stocks to take surprising bounces. And here, where your friend is faced with the daunting task of uprooting her life and starting over in a new place, she may feel anxious and overwhelmed. Try not to increase its burden.

Being at the center of a small house party can seem more stressful to her than having a drink at a local bar. (I’m sure your friend didn’t mean to insult you by suggesting that you needed her help throwing a party.) So walk into the bar knowing that she feels close enough to tell you what she’s doing. requires. You have to be good friends for her to do this!

Now that we’re (sort of) able to date safely, I’ve refreshed my profiles on dating apps. I’ve dated this guy three times, and we seem to have a great sexual and psychological connection. But his profile is still active on the app where we met. Can I ask him when he plans to remove it?

JULY

Not even close! Three dates are too few to make any conclusive assessments of your connection – sexual, psychological or otherwise. Relationships aim to maintain and strengthen these early indications over time.

I understand your impatience. But pack it. After seeing this guy regularly for a few months, you can bring up the topic of dating apps. (And do yourself a favor: don’t torture yourself by clicking endlessly on their profile!)

For help with your sticky situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.



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