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Imagine it: your long-awaited party is approaching and all the invitations have been sent. Guests have responded, the group and room have been booked, and then all of a sudden changing COVID restrictions are forcing you to downsize.
In other words, you have to reduce the number – by uninviting a certain number of guests. Ouch!
It is never easy. Just ask former President Barack Obama, who had to cut his 60th birthday at Martha’s Vineyard last weekend by removing a significant number of VIP guests – including, apparently, Stephen Colbert, Larry David, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien and even his top advisor David Axelrod, among others.
It has been a difficult year for the hosts.
According to Forbes, at the start of the pandemic, nearly 100 million attendees at sporting events, conferences and other events around the world were forced to change their plans in 2020.
New data from Wedding Wire also revealed that weddings are set to make big changes in 2020. For the 43% of couples who married last year, more than half had to make changes to accommodate regulations. when it comes to health and safety – including social distancing, and in some cases, opting for virtual celebrations leading up to the event.
It is clear that the pandemic has created several obstacles in our social lives. And sadly, even though the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines have relaxed for those who are fully vaccinated, the impact of the pandemic is still being felt as large-scale events move to more intimate places.
Step into the dreaded moment when you have to tell your guests they’ve been uninvited. It’s never easy, but here the experts offer some tips to make the experience a bit smoother for everyone involved:
Decide in advance what type of event you are organizing
Before you even start planning the event, it’s important to know what type of COVID precautions you want it to include – or need, depending on the protocol of the event space: will it be? a fully masked and fully vaccinated indoor event? An outdoor event, physically distanced? Something in between?
According to Elaine Swann, etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol, approaching event planning from this angle will help you modify your guest list upfront, so that you can (hopefully) limit the number of withdrawals if the capacity rules change and this need arises.
“It’s no different than saying, do I want my drunk friends here? Or do I want my friends to enjoy this kind of low-key night out? Yes [the latter is] the case, you will usually leave your friends drunk off the list, right? “Swann tells Yahoo Life, recalling the standard pre-COVID methods for reducing guest lists.” We have to tackle this from the same point of view. ”
Once you know the type of event you’re hosting, says Swann, you’ll be able to take a critical look at the guest list.
A helpful tip would be to divide your guests into lists from the start, based on their immunized status and comfort level, and then make some tough decisions from there. “You have your A-list: those you’re sure are vaxxed. You have your B-list: those you’re not quite sure about. And you’ve got your C-list: those you know are against. [being vaccinated], says Swann.
That way, she adds, you can save yourself the heartache of having to cancel an invitation from someone you know isn’t vaccinated or someone who is uncomfortable being around. from someone who is not vaccinated.
Choose carefully who you want to avoid
“There is no one size fits all” when it comes to choosing who to uninvite, Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Texas, told Yahoo Life.
However, a helpful tip to reduce it is to consider your relationship with the person and their role in your life. For example, just because they’re a blood relative doesn’t mean you should give up on someone else’s invitation, especially if that person is more vital to your life. Of course, says Gottsman, “if they’re paying the bills” or if they’re elderly and can’t attend a family event anymore, you have more “of an obligation.”
It’s never an easy decision and you don’t have to take it on your own, she says: appeal to other people you trust, especially those who will be attending the event themselves. so that they can get the big picture, could help you direct your judgment in a better way.
Yet while everyone is going to have an opinion, especially parents or in-laws (if it’s a family matter), Gottsman says, “As an adult you have to take your own decisions based on good judgment “.
Prepare guests for the possibility of more changes
“One of the things we can do right now when planning events is to include in the invitation that you watch what’s going on in your local community, and if anything changes, you won’t miss theirs. let people know, ”explains Swann.
“That way, if they get a notification that it has been reduced, it won’t be such a shock,” she adds. “Deep in their minds, they were preparing for it.”
Gottsman adds that the safety of your guests is “of the utmost importance.” If the venue asks you to downsize, that’s its prerogative – and may be a legal requirement, depending on local security warrants or orders. Although it is something that you cannot control, what you can control is the peace of mind of your cutting guests.
“It’s the host’s job to make their guests feel comfortable and safe at an event,” says Gottsman. “Everyone has different levels of comfort, even among the vaccinated, and a host can only try to do their best to set the stage. Let people know what to expect when they arrive and offer them proactive terms – like hygiene stations, bottled water, individual drinks rather than a do-it-yourself cocktail bar , plate dishes rather than a buffet. “
Be direct but compassionate
Expect people to be hurt by being uninvited, but if you handle the situation gracefully, Swann says, that’s what they’ll remember the most.
“We cannot control the emotions of others,” says Swann. “But what we can control is how we interact with them. If we are reassuring, if we are kind, measurable and thoughtful in what we say and how we say it, the relationship has the capacity to survive. to this particular disappointment. “
To break the news, she said, “contact your guests you are uninviting and tell them that in light of all the new developments, you must have made the difficult decision to downsize your event and that it will be a big deal. smaller, but you can’t wait for us to meet at another time, “she recommends. That way, she says, you’re clear with them about being uninvited, but at the same time you “Give them some hope”.
She adds, “They will be able to see that it has nothing to do with your relationship with them, but everything to do with what’s going on in our world right now.”
Adding a personal touch also helps, Gottsman notes, like doing the uninvitation with a phone call, handwritten note, or even a personal meeting. Otherwise, she warns, you might look cold.
Plus, she suggests, keep it private by not posting your social media invitations or blowing it up in a group text. Also, once the event is organized, try to limit the number of shares you make on social media. “Try not to make the situation worse,” Gottsman says. “Remember: anything you say will affect the relationship in the future.”
Take possession
It’s always a tough thing, Swann notes, but the most important thing is to hold on.
“The three core values of etiquette that I live by, and encourage people to live by, are respect, honesty and consideration,” she says. “My recommendation is to make the utmost effort to always be honest in everything you say, and be prepared. You have made a decision. Stand firm in that decision.”
Swann cautions not to blame anyone – including the venue – if that’s not true. After all, “Murphy’s Law could still happen, right?” Instead, accept your decision “and live it”.
“Accept yourself and stand firm,” suggests Swann. “Don’t try to come up with a bunch of excuses for yourself. Don’t let this turn into a long discussion. Acknowledge it and own it. Say, ‘I’m sorry. I’m sure it hurt, but it was really hard decision for me and hope you can understand. I love you and we will definitely meet again. And that’s all.”
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