Redefining virility: men are turning to healthier standards: shots

Sean Jin is 31 years old and says that he had not washed a dish until he was in his second year of university.

"Literally, my mother and my grandmother would tell me to stop doing the dishes because I'm a man and I should not do dishes." It took a long time, he said, before understanding their advice and saying that the sensitivity was "not acceptable".

Now, as part of the Masculinity Action Project, a group of Philadelphia men who meet regularly to discuss and promote what they see as a healthier masculinity, Jin has been thinking a lot about what men are "supposed" do's and don'ts.

He has joined the peer-led group, he says, because men are facing real problems, such as higher suicide rates than women and much higher incarceration rates.

"It is important to understand these problems, rooted in an economic crisis and a cultural crisis that can lead to a gradual solution," said Jin.

According to Jin, men need alternative solutions to those offered by the misogynist incel – "unintentional single" – human rights activists or other human rights defenders who believe that men are oppressed.

"Incels or the right bring a solution really based on greater control of women and more violence against minorities," said Jin.

Instead, he says, he and his friends are looking for the kinds of responses "in which the liberation of minorities and greater freedom for women actually strengthen the power of men."

Once a month, the Philadelphia men's group meets to learn about the history of the feminist movement and share experiences – how they learned what "being a man" means and how some of these ideas can hurt other people and even themselves. They talk about the best way to support each other.

This spring, one of the group's meetings consisted of being in a public park and giving a one-minute speech on the subject of his choice. A man talked about making fun of him and spitting on to love ballet as a 9-year-old boy; another spoke of his feelings about divorce; a third man told others what it was like to say to his father "I love you" for the first time at the age of 38.

The idea of ​​such mentoring and support groups is not new, although the current movement is trying to broaden its base. Paul Kivel, an activist and co-founder of a similar active group from the 1970s to the 1990s in Oakland, California, said that the men's groups at that time were predominantly white and middle-class.

Today, ManKind, a global not-for-profit project with nearly 10,000 members in 21 countries, is ethnically and socio- economically diverse and aims to attract men of all ages.

"We strive to be more and more inclusive and to affirm cultural differences, especially with regard to color, class, sexual orientation, faith, l '. age, abilities, ethnicity and nationality, "says the group's website.

Toby Fraser, a co-leader of the Philadelphia group in which Jin participates, said that his members were between 20 and 40 years old; it's a mix of heterosexual men, queer and homosexuals.

A simple group of people who identify as masculine – regardless of age, race or sexual orientation – can serve as a useful sounding board, says Fraser.

"Rather than just saying," Hey, we're a group of guys who come together to say how awesome it is to be guys, "says Fraser," it's like: things that do not work for us and that we see do not work or that we do not intend to work for the people around us How can we support each other to make it different? "

Participants should also take these ideas out of the group and make a difference in their communities.

For example, Jeremy Gillam coaches ice hockey and psychosocial skills as part of a post-school children's hockey program in Philadelphia. He says that he and his colleagues teach the children of their program that even though the National Hockey League still allows them to fight, they should not react to violence with violence. He says that he tells them: "The referee always sees the last violent act, and that's what will be penalized."

This advice surprises some boys, says Gillam.

"One of the first things we heard," he says, "is:" Dad told me to defend myself. Dad will not be happy with me if I just let that happen, so I'll push back. "

Vashti Bledsoe is the program director of Lutheran Settlement House, the nonprofit organization in Philadelphia that organizes the monthly men's group. She says the men in the group have already started talking about how the # MeToo movement is affecting them – and that's huge.

"These conversations are happening [in the community]Bledsoe explains, "What they did was want to be very intentional and teach people how to name [the way ideas about masculinity affect their own actions] and say: it's okay. It does not make you less a man to recognize that. "

Meanwhile, the American Psychological Association has published guidelines this year suggesting that therapists consider male social norms when working with male clients. Some traditional ideas about masculinity, says the group, "can have negative consequences on the health of boys and men".

The guidelines quickly became controversial. New York writer Andrew Sullivan wrote that they "pathologize half of humanity", and National examination Writer David French wrote that the American Psychological Association "declares war on" traditional masculinity "."

Christopher Liang, associate professor of counseling psychology at Lehigh University and co-author of the APA guidelines, explains that these studies are the fruit of decades of research and clinical experience.

For example, he says, many male clients have been taught that he is careful to suppress their feelings, growing up – to engage in violence or drinking, rather than talking. And when they open up, he says, their range of emotions can be limited.

Instead of saying, "I'm really angry," they can say, "I feel really angry," because anger is one of those emotions that men have been allowed to express, " said Liang.

He added that he and his colleagues were surprised by the controversy surrounding the guidelines for psychologists. The APA Advisory Group is currently working on an abbreviated version for the general public, which he hopes could be useful to teachers and parents.

Critics of the APA guidelines focused on the potentially harmful aspects of masculinity, but the APA points out that other masculine norms, such as valorization of courage and leadership, are positive.

Aylin Kaya, a doctoral candidate in counseling psychology at the University of Maryland, recently published a study that addresses this broader range of male norms and stereotypes as part of a study on male students.

Some norms, such as the need to be dominant in a relationship or the inability to express one's emotions, were associated with a lower "psychological well-being," she noted. This is a measure of whether students have accepted themselves, have had positive relationships with other people and have felt a "sense of the agent" in their lives, says Kaya. . But the traditional standard of "will to win and succeed" has helped to improve well-being.

Kaya adds that even these results should be undermined. A motivation to win or succeed could be beneficial for society and for male or female identity if it focuses on power and mastery, but bad if people associate their self-esteem with beating Other people.

Kaya explained that his research could help psychologists – and men in general – to separate useful ideas of masculinity from harmful ones.

"As clinicians," she said, "our job is to make the invisible visible … by asking clients:" Where do you find these ideas about how you are supposed to act? Where did you learn that? "To help them decompress -" I was not born with that. It was not my natural way of life. I have been socialized in this area. I learned it. And maybe I can start unlearning it. "

For example, says Kaya, some male clients seek her to get a glimpse of their romantic relationships. In reality, she says, the problem underlying the fight is that they feel they can not show their emotions without being ridiculed or humiliated, which prevents them from being intimate with their partners.

According to the results of her study on perceptions of masculinity, she might ask them to start by thinking about why they can not show their emotions – if it helps them – and then look for ways to help them connect emotionally. with people.