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Dear Amy: For years our big family has followed a plan for Christmas gifts. My generation is now in their sixties and sixties, and the next generation is not interested in following our previous plan.
I suggested that each of the sisters (five) buy a gift for each of the other sisters this year and not extend the donation. Four of us voted yes.
Our fifth sister, who was outvoted, then emailed us saying she would not be attending this year, leaving the four of us to exchange gifts.
She says she is overwhelmed with all the other gifts she has to buy for her immediate family and the fact that our husbands will not receive any gifts from “The Plan” this year.
Most of us will spend Christmas alone. A sister lost her husband this year and it will be a difficult vacation for her.
Should we follow through with our decision, go back to the original plan or nix offer a gift, while shaming the only sister?
Appalled and displeased
Dear Dismayed: Being unhappy when someone reports being overwhelmed directly disrupts the whole concept of the gift.
Christmas should be about reconciliation and generosity, not score and retaliation.
I think all sisters should be loving and generous to each other, including the sister who is so overwhelmed. This generosity could take the form of a card with warm words, a specialty fruit cake to help feed her family, or simply a simple recognition that it is okay for her to give up “The Plan”. this year, no hard feelings.
Dear Amy: My partner “Deanne” and I are living well. We moved from a big, expensive city closer to his family and we both found jobs just before the pandemic hit. We work from home and save money. We are very lucky. We love each other very much and support each other a lot during this depressing time. We are planning to get married.
My problem is that Deanne’s friend “Stella” doesn’t like Deanne talking about me or our relationship.
We tried to play games online with distant friends. After introducing a game, Deanne suggested that her friend’s partner and I join together with other members of the group of friends next time to increase the numbers.
Stella made a problem about it, saying, “Maybe I would invite a partner to join, if I had one…”
Stella’s relationship fell apart during the pandemic. She is also trying to be a mother, and these depressing times have stressed her out.
Deanne and her friends have tried to support each other emotionally, but she also doesn’t share the joy of her friends.
Another person in the group shared some cute pictures of babies, and Stella’s response was, “He’s cute, but I can’t be happy for other people right now.”
Should we lie and say that things are horrible for us? Should we give it more space?
Not lonely
Dear Not Lonely: You seem to see it as a binary: you’re doing well. You are very happy. Your friend “Stella” is not doing well. She is depressed and unhappy.
Stella does what a lot of depressed people don’t: she recognizes it and tries to talk about it. His blunt statements make you uncomfortable, so you are suggesting a bit cynically that the only way to deal with his negativity is to lie to him. But you have other choices.
I agree with you that Stella is focused on herself and somewhat rude to state that she cannot be happy for people who are doing well. But she does what we really want people to do: she expresses what she feels.
You shouldn’t be hiding your own luck under a bushel, but you should also modulate how you report your awesome life. When she bluntly states that she can’t be happy for people, her friends might honestly respond that they want to be as supportive as possible as she goes through this difficult time.
Dear Amy: Your response to “Suspect” sounded fairly responsible and complete, but she said she was suffering from PTSD after an incident of cheating 20 years ago.
I assure you that adultery does not lead to post traumatic stress disorder!
Disturbs
Dear upset: “Suspect” said she believed she had “some form of PTSD” after this cheating episode. PTSD is extremely serious, but the term seems to have entered the lexicon as a shorthand to describe extreme distress. I did not take its wording literally.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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