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Dear Amy: My wife and I have been together for 12 years. We started dating in high school and moved in together during college.
After college, she returned to a home environment hostile to her parents’ dysfunctional marriage, adultery, alcoholism, constant fighting and blatant lies.
I was about to stay together, but I couldn’t let her face it all without my emotional support and reassurance.
This lasted a few years until his grandfather started buying houses for his grandchildren and gave us one of the houses, if / when we get married.
I thought this would be a great way to start fresh with a house already paid for and we could build on our relationship.
I knew this wasn’t the best way to start a marriage with the feelings I had of leaving her, but I couldn’t resist the urge to pull her out of her terrible predicament.
Things were going well for a while, but as we spent more time together it became evident that our future was very different. Mostly, she wants to start a family, while I’m not sure if I will have children, especially with her.
She made it clear that if I didn’t come, it might be a reason to end the relationship.
Do I tell him the truth about how and why we got to where we are? Should I just let the “not wanting kids” thing be the less hurtful of the two scenarios as a reason to end it?
I wonder
Dear Wondering: Even if you argue that your relationship has not been satisfactory for you, you are presenting yourself as your wife’s savior from her abusive family life. However, it is really the legacy of a house from her grandfather that seems to have freed her from this home. You’ve married her to help her out, but surely you’ve seen benefits as well.
Marriages start – then fail – for all kinds of reasons. No matter what you say to your wife when leaving, it will only be partially true for her because, if she is deeply hurt, she will attribute reasons to her on her own. Don’t blame her for your choice to leave.
You can tell him, “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I have a hard time having children and I know you want them.” “I haven’t been happy for a long time, and I don’t think you are either. “We started our life together when we were so young. We grew up together, but now we have separated.
Don’t tell her, “I don’t think I ever loved you.”
Dear Amy: My husband has just retired due to a medical disability. He has had no income for four weeks. I work and we have savings and retirement accounts.
I just learned that he contacted our financial advisor to provide documents to borrow from one of our retirement accounts. I am outraged that he spoke to a third party and took steps to achieve this goal without discussing it with me.
He states that because this was a preliminary discussion and nothing had been signed, it is a moot point and I am unreasonable.
Am I being unreasonable?
Responsible
Dear manager: You are not unreasonable. Your husband’s professional status has changed. Now is a great time for both of you to take a look at your finances, including household income, expenses, savings and retirement accounts. Even if the accounts he wanted to access are only in your husband’s name, his choices will now affect your future together later.
Obviously, this is the opportunity for you two to discuss what he thinks. Does he have any debts you don’t know about? Is he hoping to make a major purchase that he hasn’t discussed with you?
One book you should read together is: “How To Make Your Money Last – Completely Updated to Plan Today: The Indispensable Guide to Retirement Paperback,” by financial writer Jane Bryant Quinn (2020, Simon & Schuster) . Despite its unwieldy title, the tips are practical and manageable.
Dear Amy: I think you all missed a logical and simple answer to “Anxious Wife,” whose husband is a dangerous driver due to his speeding and tailgating.
I went through the same thing.
I finally asked myself, “Why am I submitting to this anxiety? I know how to drive. “
The solution is: don’t get in the car with him. She should be driving.
Less anxious woman in Ohio
Dear less anxious: Yes! Anyone with this option should definitely take it.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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