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Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time in Assassin’s Creed Valhalla galloping east and southeast. There are lovely views around Kent and Dover, and sometimes it’s nice to go to the beach instead of sneaking into the wet fertility of the more forested areas of Mercia.
This means that I have vacuumed up some of the side quests (or local mysteries) in the area that I missed earlier, and one of them, although it took three minutes, did me really made her laugh. It’s a sea beast called Aflanc The Terrible, but it’s actually the most theatrical attempt at filicide ever, and the NPC involved has my lasting respect.
There are plenty of interesting NPCs in Valhalla, from serious business quests like King Lear’s three pagan wizarding sisters dotted around East Anglia, to the more fanciful, like “ woman living in a sewer requiring serpent entrails ”, or ‘man who really loves baseball, sort of.’ One of the fun things about the game is you never know when you might run into one and if it will turn out to be a pretty complex side quest.
When I saw those cliffs, for example, I thought to myself, “Wow, I wonder if I’m going over there I’m going to meet a murder mystery where two cops, one a depressed gruff and the other a mom who works no frills, will start out at odds but forge respect and a loving friendship. Is Broadchurch too dark for an AC game and set in Dorset, beyond the scope of Valhalla’s map? Yes. But stay. It could have happened.
Anyway, here’s what happened (spoilers for this specific quest that I overthought):
Me and my crew (and my cat) were happily cruising the river when we heard, on the shore somewhere between Croindene and Guildford, a woman complaining loudly about her father (whose name I forgot, so I’ll call. papa) for pushing her imminently into the river to drown her. And like, she was crazy about it, but mostly seemed exasperated; her tone was pretty much appropriate for if he forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer in the morning, so now they couldn’t have the chicken for dinner and she couldn’t wait to eat it.
So obviously I jumped off the ship to investigate. Griseld, the young woman in question, was sacrificed because their farm was allegedly flooded by a satanic beast named Aflanc The Terrible. Griseld was supposed to appease Aflanc, who definitely existed because a dude named Godfrey had said so.
So obviously I went for a swim and found out that there was no monster, just a shipwreck that occasionally made bubbles and waves. Griseld got pissed off by this news, and daddy said, “Woah, no way, but there is totally a monster?” And then Godfrey ran and said he specifically told daddy that there was no monster, and dad was just looking for an excuse to murder Griseld because she was annoying him, for example, saying that ‘ he had been drinking too much and calling him a layman. Griseld responded by expelling dad.
So my thoughts were, roughly in order, as follows:
- Oh my god, what a champion of men. What an absolute hero. Being so irritated by what is a little annoyance at best, that you invent a sincere belief in a huge monster as the reason for killing her. Great energy from the Old Testament.
- The theatricality of it all. He covered the bank with petals to do his murder. Why go so far? Given the historical context, he clearly could have killed her and said that a bandit did it. Or just pushed her inside and said it was an accident. Or, in fact, I just killed her and didn’t bother to really hide her.
- For example, in The Witcher 3, every village you go to has a ghost that they say has haunted their ancient apple orchard for hundreds of years, yet the most superficial investigation reveals that it is the ghost. of a teenage girl who disappeared three weeks ago. , and whose blood is still visible on the ground. Dad probably could have just kicked some dead leaves all over Griseld’s body and, if anyone bothered to ask, said, “The bitch had him come over she called me” lazy “.
- Who is Godfrey ?? Its relationship with any party here is not explained.
- And then what does it do, Godfrey, why are you only coming now, after I’ve already solved the problem? It’s not like it’s done secretly. This potential murder is an event. There is a small crowd. What else were you doing that was so important Godfrey? Were you hiding in the bushes waiting for the most narratively dramatic moment to come and reveal daddy’s terrible secret?
- Griseld is really relaxed about it all and I respect her for it, but I’m also worried.
- But seriously, this man put so much effort into drowning his daughter. He fervently claimed to believe that a dangerous monster lived in the river, for an undisclosed period of time. He probably has a reputation.
- Imagine it painstakingly picking up and then scattering all the petals all over the place.
- He is clearly not a layman.
- I am on his side tbqh.
Sadly, I didn’t manage to take a screenshot of daddy, but he, his indescribable dress and bald head, are with me forever. If there is any justice in the world, it will start a huge questline where I can install Papa, kicked out of his daughter’s house, as king somewhere. He’s the ruler Valhalla’s troubled times need: tough-minded, and madly out of proportion the decisions.
What I’m saying is that a lot of side quests in Valhalla are absolutely absurd, and I love them all the more for that.