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Before I was sick, I took my health for granted. I was vegan. I ate only organic. I avoided additives and preservatives and I drank eight cups of water a day. I ate mainly mono-raw meals, with very little salt or sugar. I've compacted all the do's and don'ts that I'd read or heard in a very rigid lifestyle focused on maintaining a "clean body."
I should have understood that my body never hurt me. or necessary to consult a doctor. Being in good health, it was like having electricity – it was a luxury I never thought of going without. Honestly, I could not have imagined the nightmare that was waiting for me.
I've been sick now for over two years. On the way to a diagnosis, I heard everything – pancreatitis, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes. Even cancer has been mentioned as a possibility. I suffered from intense fatigue, recurrent sore throat, mild fevers, body aches and chills, nausea, food intolerance, digestive distress, rash, flare-ups, irregular menstruation, sudden PMS, and anxiety. Simple tasks like cleaning, doing laundry, washing dishes, sometimes even just dressing were exhausting.
Finally, I was tested positive for the Epstein-Barr virus, or mono. At first I was relieved to hear such a trivial diagnosis, but two years later, it seems like the joke is on me.
Long-term mononucleosis, or chronic EBV, is linked to cancers and a range of other autoimmune diseases. Some people catch the slightest EBV virus and dispel it in two to four weeks. I am unlucky and I have developed a stronger tension. This is rare, and there is no medication for chronic EBV.
Doctors gave me similar advice to what they would say if I had the flu. Rest, avoid stress, eat good food, drink fluids and "listen to your body". They warned me that it could take months, if not years, for the virus to leave my system and my body to heal. I have good days, when I am a ball of energy, and bad days, when all I want to do is to rest.
I understand that this is not relevant at this point. I could never know why. What is important is recovery, both physically and mentally.
The first thing that struck me when I was sick, was my digestive system. I have developed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and bacterial proliferation of the small intestine (SIBO) of the virus. Eating almost anything would cause the accumulation of paralyzing gas in my lower bowels, as well as vomiting, diarrhea and constipation. I struggled to find foods that I could tolerate.
I quickly went from 5 feet and 110 pounds to 88 pounds. I am ashamed to say that my initial impulse very early was to accommodate weight loss. I was sure that it would end up stopping, how much I could eat biscuits to gain weight. It was a very naive thought that I quickly regretted.
When the scale kept declining, when I became too thin to get into my clothes and had to start buying children's clothes, I started to panic. I was underweight and looking in the mirror scared me. My clothes dripped from my body, my eyes and cheeks sank, my legs turned to the front. I had been a daily jogger, but now I sleep about 10 to 14 hours a day and I only woke up to move from my bed to the couch.
But I did not really realize the seriousness of my situation before a chance with an old boss on a busy New York sidewalk. She looked me straight in the eye and did not recognize me. I stopped her, and when she finally recognized me, she held my elbow lightly, as if touching a tiny bird.
I had worn my most conservative outfit, trying to cover the bones protruding from my chest, but she still looked at me with surprise as she questioned me about my health. His expression stayed with me long after "goodbye" and "take care of yourself". It was the first time I saw myself through the eyes of someone else.
Losing weight is usually a choice, the one we make for different reasons. But losing weight against your will is something I do not wish for anyone. I had friends joking that they would have liked to catch a virus and lose a few pounds. That made me angry because I knew they would not want it if they could feel what I was feeling. If they could feel the fear, uncertainty and loss of self-esteem that accompanies unintentional weight loss.
Our body weight is more than our physicality; it is the mass that protects us and covers us. Having completely lost that, I felt naked and vulnerable. I was scared.
That said, at one point, I was not so different from my friends who made these jokes. When you're not sick, maintaining your weight can give you the impression of a constant battle – having to choose between the chips of a party against vegetables or going to the gym rather than seeing a movie. The idea of losing weight without having to work for it sounds like the easy way. The real problem is a society where we feel so much pressure to be thin that even being sick to get there seems to be a relief.
Currently, I am back to weighing a healthy weight of 125 pounds. The SIBO is controlled and the viral IBS fades. As my body slowly fights the virus. I am able to present and eat more food.
Now, when my body needs carbohydrates, sugars or salts, I do not think twice about giving it what it wants. I will go for organic, local, vegan if I can, but I write nothing like too "unhealthy". I know what it's like to be suddenly unable to enjoy a bowl of ice cream, to lose the privilege of choice. I appreciate what I can tolerate instead of setting myself limits
My body is now muscular and full of lifting weights instead of doing cardio, which is a little too exhausting yet. I can feel stronger every day, and I love it!
I recently met an old friend. The last time we saw each other, I was in my worst state. Being the blunt person that she is, she did not hesitate to comment on my new, more courageous self. I was unfazed. Even though it implied that I looked fat, I am so happy that I just laughed and joked, "Do you mean I look phat ?"
This experience has forced me to change thinking and the choices I make. I can not stress enough the importance of enjoying your health and the body in which you are currently. It is important to reward him!
If I could give myself some advice two years ago, I would say, "Stop working so hard, focus on the things and the people you love, and the fact that you're good enough. good health to appreciate them "
That, and:" Eat the cookie! Eat all cookies. "
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