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It’s the kind of contemplative question you might bring up in an intriguing conversation with a friend. In this case, he was being considered by a man serving a life sentence in a California prison.
“We’re talking about transformation here, (and) we’re making a distinction between change and transformation, right?” James Jacobs told fellow inmates in a panel discussion earlier this year.
For Jacobs, change had been a slow and steady process over the 16 years he had been locked up. But it wasn’t until the 32-year-old was faced with a life and death decision behind bars that he realized he wanted to transform himself, becoming someone completely different from the person he was. it was before.
Jacobs was 15 when he shot and killed someone in an argument outside a nightclub in 2004. He was sentenced to a total of 40 years in life.
By the age of 20, Jacobs said, he was suicidal.
Five years later, Jacobs continued, those efforts were put to the test when he discovered that a fellow inmate he had come to know was suspected of being responsible for the death of Jacobs’ brother – an event which happened a few days after Jacobs. own crime.
When he heard this news, Jacobs said, he realized how easy it would be to reverse his progress. “I had the opportunity to be the kid again who took the life of a 20 year old for no reason, for no good reason,” he said. “I could live up to the conversation I’ve had in my head since my brother died: Vengeance.” Retribution.
But more than anything, Jacobs said, he wanted forgiveness. “I want to be forgiven for what I took from this family when I was 15,” he said. “And at that time … I remember the (biblical) Scripture saying, ‘Be transformed by the renewal of your mind.’ The God I believe in was not telling me to change (but to be) something new. Something completely different. Something that you are not right now. Because at that time I I’m mad. I’m vengeful. I’m retributive. (And) at that point, I made the choice to transform. “
He chose to extend the same forgiveness he seeks. “Not just because he has the right to be redeemed. Not just because I want to go home,” Jacobs said. “But because I want to be something new.”
It wasn’t the only story of transformation during the making of the episode. Below, listen to two other inmates who describe how they too sought to recover.
‘A moral obligation’
Earlier this year, two CFF inmates were given special permission to attend an assembly in Palma and share their stories with students at the private school. One of the two was Alfredo “Freddie” Ortega, who was incarcerated in 2008 and is eligible for parole in June 2030.
In his speech, Ortega was candid about his upbringing and the decisions he made as a teenager to join a gang. Now 37 and sentenced to life imprisonment, Ortega reflected on how the fears and insecurities of the past have led him to where he is today, and how he wants to live his life. in the future.
“Growing up, I allowed myself to develop an unhealthy desire to be accepted by my friends, who also became gang members. My childhood fears of being different, the fear of rejection, the fear of not being loved, the fear of not fitting in led me to seek acceptance, recognition and attention from my peers. .. (and) contributed to my violent behavior, ”Ortega told students in Palma. “Today, I am deeply ashamed of having become this selfish, impulsive and irresponsible person who cared very little for the rights of others and did not care for their safety. Today, I feel a moral obligation to live my life in a way that demonstrates compassion, kindness, respect and dignity to others. “
Hear Ortega’s story below.
‘I’m going to do something new’
Vincent Rivera, 35, spoke candidly about his path to transformation. With Jacobs, he shared his story and how he found himself in a space where he wanted to become something new.
“When I got to jail I had a choice to make,” Rivera said. “What am I going to do? How am I going to fit in? … I thought to myself, man, that’s it. I’m going to die in jail. I came to jail with 96 years of life. . ”
But he said, “I made a decision for my future. I made a decision that said, ‘You know what? I’m going to do something new that I’ve never done before. I’m going to start. make decisions well. ‘”
While his father’s death tested his resolve, Rivera said he remains committed to his new leadership. “It was an invitation to do one of two things: either I could step back a bit and justify it with my father’s death, or I could use it to motivate myself to move forward.
Rivera has been in prison since 2013 and is eligible for parole in April 2035. Listen to Rivera’s story below.
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