TB12 Diet Diary: What It’s Like To Eat Like Tom Brady For A Week

As a Patriots fan, it will be a strange, uncomfortable and somewhat bitter experience to watch Tom Brady compete in his 10th Super Bowl – the first step in a New England uniform. I will always be grateful for Brady’s contributions to a dynasty that spanned most of my childhood. Still, it’s always hard to see an ex thrive after a separation, you know?

But since Brady is Super Bowl related and one of my strongest personality traits is my ability to punish myself on any given occasion, my bosses here at CBS Sports thought it would be a good idea for me to embrace this personal crisis. What better way to prepare for the uncomfortable experience of watching Brady in Super Bowl LV than living the TB12 lifestyle for a week before the game?

For those who don’t know, TB12 is Brady’s lifestyle brand built around his lifestyle that has allowed him to find an unmatched level of lasting success at the NFL level. Exercise, nutrition, expensive pajamas … it’s all part of the Brady Method. For this experiment, we’ll be focusing on the diet and flexibility aspects of the TB12 method, and I’ll document my experiences along the way.

And for the record: I used to live a somewhat respectable lifestyle before the world shut down last March. I used to work out frequently, try to eat right, and at least make an occasional effort to pretend to take care of myself. However, in the last year or so my brand has basically become cigarettes, cheap beer, frozen pizza, marathon video game sessions, and degraded hygiene. This project of my bosses may very well be an intervention masked as a “work mission”, so let’s see how it goes.

Guiding lines

Chances are you’ve heard of Tom Brady’s Absurd Diet before. The checklist of things he can’t / won’t eat is apparently longer than he can / wants. Here’s a look at Brady’s personal chef madness:

“No white sugar. No white flour. No MSG. I will use raw olive oil, but I never cook with olive oil. I cook only with olive oil. coconut Fats like canola oil turn into trans fats … I use Himalayan pink salt as sodium I never use iodized salt.

[Tom] do not eat nightshades because they are not anti-inflammatory. So no tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms or eggplants. Tomatoes run off every now and then, but maybe once a month. I am very careful with the tomatoes. They cause inflammation.

What else? No coffee. No caffeine. No fungus. No dairy products.

The children eat fruit. Tom, not so much. He’ll eat bananas in a smoothie. But otherwise, he prefers not to eat fruit. “

Yeah, so it’s safe to say that I won’t follow Brady’s diet exactly like the quarterback does – I’d rather turn down the assignment and be unemployed. However, I will follow the outline provided by the TB12 website. Here’s a basic overview of the rules:

• 80% fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, seeds and legumes
• 20% protein (chicken, red meat, seafood)
• Eat until you are 75% full
• No dairy products or nightshades
• Halve your body weight in pounds and drink as many ounces of water (70 ounces for me per day)
• Max 2 cups of coffee / no caffeine in the afternoon
• No food within 3 hours of bedtime

Day 1

As I mentioned on the jump, this is a drastic change from my natural lifestyle, so I had to do a quick food shopping trip to get ready. I figured my local Trader Joe’s would be the best game for a lot of organic meats and veg, then filled some of the blanks with a trip to Stop & Shop.

We have already hit a boring roadblock, as I thought yogurt and granola would be a good way to make nuts and seeds bearable. Turns out I’m an idiot who forgot that yogurt is milk, and also an idiot who didn’t realize that granola has a ton of sugar? God, it sucks already. I also decided to try “green juice” just because it looked healthy and seemed like something I’d be involved in while on this diet. It tastes like rainwater collected in a garden garbage bag and I will never do that again.

I had a palm-sized serving of chicken (cooked in coconut oil) for dinner with spinach, carrots and cucumbers for dinner. Not exciting but, honestly, it was solid. The biggest problem is I’m hungry again and sort of broke the rules on day one because you’re not supposed to eat anything within three hours of bedtime. I had celery and almonds as a late night “treat” to quell hunger. You know your life is in a pretty lame place when you have to feel guilty about eating celery and almonds.

Plus, it’s so much water to drink. I can’t stop peeing.

Day 2

Okay I’m not gonna lie … I had a banana for breakfast and then skipped lunch completely because I just didn’t want to eat that healthy shit. This is how diets work, right? It looks like I’m on the verge of losing weight somehow.

The water thing still absolutely kills me. I’ve always known that I never drink enough water in a day, but I feel like I am drowning drinking so much water. I’m bloated and feel like I could legitimately be jumped up like a water balloon.

I ended up getting hungry enough to cook another one of those meals for dinner, and I definitely overcompensated. I once again had seasoned chicken and a real load of veg. Like too many vegetables. Look how stupid that looks:

Yeah, about the whole “eat until you’re 75% full” thing … maybe a little past the landing. I also dropped a bunch of carrots on the floor when I took them out of the fridge. And, yes, I cheated by eating two pieces of chocolate late last night (OK, alright … that was four pieces of chocolate.) It’s already completely derailed.

And, for the sake of total transparency, I fart. A lot. I’m still trying to find out if it’s the regime’s fault, but it’s kind of worrying.

Day 3

My bodily functions at least seem to be somewhat under control today, which is a nice little surprise! Food always bores me a lot – I ate a banana and avocado for lunch, then chicken, green beans, and corn for dinner. Plus, I tried the green juice again just to see if my body would be better equipped to handle it after two days … and no. Always taste the swamp soup.

Three days later and I officially reached the point where I could report a family member to the police if that meant a cheeseburger and beer were waiting for me on the other side. Throw in some fries and I could admit crimes I didn’t commit.

Honestly, one of the hardest parts of this thing is not being able to keep my hands occupied and snack / drink while anxiously watching sports at night. Last night I had to settle for chewing ice cubes just to keep myself from cracking up in a late night hideout.

Overall, though, I feel pretty decent aside from the irritability that comes with not being able to do whatever I want, when the hell I want to. I feel a bit accomplished to get through a day without breaking any rules. But I am already dreaming of the absolute havoc I will wreak on my body once this experience is over.