The doctors could not explain why an acclaimed ballet dancer was sick. Finally, she resurrects her career



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Once a soloist at New York City Ballet with a promising future, she was forced to leave the company in 2012, a victim of an autoimmune disease that saw her hair fall, her weight increase and her balance disappear.

"It was wishful thinking," she told CNN last month, five years after announcing her return.

What Morgan first thought was a recovery period of a few months became a nine-year ordeal: doctors who fired her, an abandoned dream, personal troubles and a life constantly upset. And, now, as she prepares to return to ballet on her own terms, a rebirth worthy of the swans, spirits and sleepy beauties that she has danced on stage.

First success

Like many professional dancers, Morgan's fixation on ballet began early – at 18 months, when she saw The Nutcracker on television. "I had a teddy bear with a tutu and a tiara, and I removed the tutu and the tiara from the teddy bear, I put it on and j 's. I started dancing, "she said. After seeing the New York City Ballet perform at the age of 9, she decides not only on her future career, but also on that of her company.

At first, things were almost supernatural. She joined the NYCB School, the School of American Ballet, at the age of 15, after following their intensive summer. At age 17, before completing high school, he was asked to become an apprentice in the company.

"I worked six days a week, 10 hours a day, and I was trying to become a high school graduate," Morgan said. "It was like I was 30 and 12 at the same time. At age 17, you have to be an adult, have a full time job and yet, because I was so focused on Ballet, I had almost 12 years in terms of social skills.

"But I will not trade for nothing," she added.

The roles came quickly: after two weeks as an apprentice, she replaced a senior dancer like Juliet. At age 20, she had danced the notoriously difficult role of Aurora in Sleeping Beauty. "Ballet is a difficult life, no matter what kind of role you get – mentally, physically, emotionally," she said. "But everything was falling into place."

"I have nothing to braid"

Morgan was 21 years old and was telling Aurora again when her once straight path started to fork. "I remember being very tired and not quite myself, but I thought it was just because I was doing 'Sleeping Beauty'," he said. she says. "And then the spring season started and I could hardly get through a rehearsal day, let alone performance, I was so exhausted."

In the role of Juliet, Morgan had braided hair for a performance when the stylist was worried. "Three months ago you had twice as much hair," he told him. "Your hair is gone, I have nothing to braid." Rapid weight gain followed, despite an exhausting schedule of 60 hours per week.

"My joints started to hurt, my ankles started to hurt, I could not lift my leg so high," said Morgan. "My muscles also started to disintegrate, I went to the point and suddenly I could not balance it was terrifying."

With suspicion of mono, she went to the doctor, who diagnosed her with insufficient thyroid and prescribed medications. "I thought:" Super, wonderful, we're ready to go, "she said.

Over the next two years, she continued to deteriorate, repeating a painful cycle of accepting valued roles and being forced to retire shortly thereafter. "I could not spend the day without a nap," she said. "I could not go through a ballet."

Finally, the ballet master asked to speak to him in his office. "He asked me how I felt, and I burst into tears and lost him," Morgan said. "I said:" I can not do that anymore. I'm so miserable. "

It provided for no more than three months of the scene; three years later, nothing had improved. "I was taking such a high dose of medicine, that's the dose that people who have their thyroid removed completely would receive," she said. "I had the impression of being in the body of someone else, I had balance problems, I could not control my feelings. members."

Rejected by doctors

Despite her initial diagnosis of hypothyroidism, doctor after doctor, she dismissed her concerns, considering her as a healthy young woman with probable hypochondria.

"The problem was that, because of my small size at the beginning, even after gaining weight, all these doctors looked at me:" You seem to be fine. Do you invite that? " " she says.

Morgan with Sean Rollofson in a performance of

It's his eighth doctor who eventually diagnosed Morgan with an autoimmune disorder: Hashimoto's Disease, also called Hashimoto's thyroiditis.

The disease sees antibodies attacking the thyroid gland, resulting in decreased production of thyroid hormones; According to the American Thyroid Association, thyroid hormones allow the body to "consume energy, stay warm and keep the brain, heart, muscles, and other organs functioning as they should.

Common diagnosis

According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, Hashimoto affects about 5 out of 100 people in the United States.

Dr. Mary Vouyiouklis Kellis, an endocrinologist at the Cleveland Clinic, told CNN that the disease was "about five to eight times" more common in women and generally diagnosed in patients aged 40 to 60, although the diagnosis Morgan's anterior is not abnormal.

In addition to Morgan's symptoms, people with Hashimoto may have dry skin, cold intolerance, weak shoulders and hips, or mood swings.

"Having irregular periods can be a first sign, or even changes in stool or constipation, problems of performance and muscle recovery could become problematic," said Vouyiouklis Kellis.

"Untreated, if it becomes severe and the body is unable to produce a thyroid hormone, everything starts to slow down.You may have memory problems, slow speech, slow movements – you can even develop fluids around the heart The heart rate can also slow down. "

A photo of Morgan took for his social media channels.

When Morgan left the NYCB for the first time, she was grateful for the break. "I did not want to be in class, I did not want to have anything to do with ballet.Enter every day, look in the mirror under a leotard and not recognize each other, have other people do the whole body scan – it was humiliating. "

Ballet's notoriously narrow standards of beauty have exacerbated his misery. "You must be beautiful and look easy, yet you are doing these extremely difficult physical things," she said. "You must be the model and the athlete at the same time."

Soon, however, she returned to the "make or die" mentality that had fueled her entire career.

"As dancers, we feel we have to be perfect all the time," she said. "I had to go back on stage because I felt like a failure if I did not do it." In 2014, when she was interviewed by The New York Times, she thought her return was imminent. Instead, she relapsed.

"My body freaked out a second time," she said. "I always wanted it so much, but my body was just not ready, my hair started falling a second time, everything happened again."

With her own ruthless self-perception, the dancer began to consider herself a "was".

"Plan B career"

At about the same time, Morgan launched a YouTube channel, originally created to fight rumors that she was fired from the New York City Ballet.

Soon, she began to pass on her wisdom to young dancers. "I realized that there were no professional ballet dancers on YouTube – only 12-year-old casual gamblers giving rather questionable advice," she said.

On her channel, which now has more than 150,000 subscribers, she has offered advice on topics ranging from nutrition to technique to stage makeup, often posting complete ballet classes. "One of the key things I like to talk about is the mental aspect of ballet," she said. "You do not talk about it, dance is such a mental thing, and if you are not in a good state of mind, no matter how talented you are, it will never work."

Above all, she hoped to empower her young followers – not just pursue a career in ballet. "If you're dancing and you're unhappy and want to do something else, you're not a failure," she said.

As the return to the scene began to resemble a fantasy more and more distant, Morgan focused on YouTube, taking up teaching positions and writing a column of advice. "I became known as this guru of ballet advice," she said. "It's kind of become this Plan B career."

In 2017, she married and saw in her relationship a natural end to her performance life. But 10 months after the wedding, the wedding has collapsed. To cope with her pain, she returned to the ballet studio; she had not worn any spikes for three years. "I did not come back thinking, I'm going to be a professional dancer." It was just for me to do what nourished my soul, "she said.

Without the pressure that she has already felt to return to her career, Morgan has achieved some surprising results. "Because I did not put myself to the test to get back in shape, I did it," she said. His doctor was stunned. "What happened?" she remembered saying it. "In eight years, I have not seen so beautiful."

The long-suppressed hope of dancing professionally began incredibly to appear possible. Morgan is now 30, young in all careers, except ballet, which often requires retirement before age 40, thanks to years of constant physical tension.

"But I'm not a 30-year-old beaten man," she said. "Most ballerinas, when they reach the age of 30, have been doing so for several decades, but I have had this big and long break during which all my injuries have been healed. I did not crash on the ground for a decade. "

Back 2.0

In February of this year, Morgan contacted Lourdes Lopez, artistic director of the Miami City Ballet. Lopez could not guarantee her a position in the company, but invited her to visit her and take classes.

"I think we talked for about an hour and she talked about her life, she was so honest, open and humble," Lopez said. "She was so rooted and mature, I loved it."

Morgan had a "God-given presence" when she danced, Lopez said. "She has a lot, a lot of talent, a lot of music and a dramatic quality about her," she told CNN. "We could say that she was getting better, but she said," I know. I can not wait to get back to the studio and start working. ""

"I do not mean that she has regained her talent, because I do not think she has ever lost it," Lopez said.

On April 1, she called Morgan with an offer: a solo contract at MCB, the same rank she had previously held at NYCB. "In my head, I'm going there, it's April's fish – is it a joke?" Morgan said.

She accepted the offer and, a few weeks later, informed her of YouTube subscribers. In the video, which was viewed more than 67,000 times, over 7,000 tastes and nearly 2,000 comments, she delighted with tears as she shared the news that she had hoped would not ever come; in the comments section, viewers say that they cried with her.

In June, she moved to Miami. in October, she will make her official return to the stage.

In the second half of her career, life will be different, Morgan decided. "When I was younger, I did not have a social life, I did not have anything other than ballet," she said. "When I got sick, I did not know how to work." At MCB, she will take the time to see friends, to date. She will continue to make videos and maybe write a book about her experiences.

His perspective has changed too. "Every day now, dancing is a gift because I really thought I was done, it gave me a whole new appreciation of what I'm doing," she said.

"I know my strengths and weaknesses now," she added. "I'm a lyrical, adagio and dramatic dancer, I'll never be able to do all the tricks and I'm fine, I was fighting for not being able to do five pirouettes, now I'm like," Nope, I'm good with that. "

Morgan knows that the risk of relapse can never be totally eliminated, but experience has shown him the futility of planning too far into the future. "At the New York City Ballet, everything was wonderful and everything changed overnight," she said. "So in Miami, I'll take it one day at a time and leave from there."

Vouyiouklis Kellis said anyone suspecting thyroid disease should first consult their primary care provider for a first diagnosis. "Because the thyroid affects many organic systems, it's hard to know if anything is really related to the thyroid, and that's why it's important to do blood tests," she said. .

Morgan credits her with a proper diet – she's gluten-intolerant, she discovers – and copes well with the stress of healing. But the advice she provides most is different and more urgent, shaped by years of inexplicable disease and a series of doctors who did not believe it. "You know your own body.You have to defend yourself.If someone does not take you seriously, keep trying until someone does it because he m & # 39; It took eight doctors but I found someone, "she said.

"When you know something is wrong in your brain, keep trying."

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