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Note: This article contains descriptions of sexual abuse during childhood.
My grandfather was a pillar of the community and loved by his family. He was also sexually abusive. He died when I was a kid. I only remember one incident that happened to me: during a hug session, he encouraged me to put his mouth on his penis and then m & # 39; said to let our little secret remain secret. I heard in adulthood that he had assaulted other neighborhood kids. He also had sex with my mother. She says nothing happened like a child. But in adulthood, he began to tell him that he loved her in a romantic way. He told her that he wanted to take her polaroids naked and she let him do it. And she loved him and his sisters idolized him more or less. My only aunt knew (she said nothing had happened to her) and I asked her how she was reconciled. She said that she had compartmentalized her – she thought that he was a wonderful father and did not really think about other things. I did a lot of therapy in the late '80s and early' 90s. I read books, wrote a diary, talked to my mom and j & # 39; I tried to understand what she had experienced. And I passed as much as anyone. We are in 2019 and I am almost 50 years old. My mother just moved into a retirement home and, cleaning her drawers, I found the polaroid that my grandfather had taken from her. I know it was him because he is in some of them, taken in a mirror as she falls on him. They were taken over a period of years. She had me believe that he had never done anything sexual with her in addition to taking pictures. But he did it. And here's the thing, Dan: In the photos, she looks happy. I know that she was probably doing something because that was what he wanted from her. But that just makes me doubt my assumptions. Was it a terrible abuse or a forbidden love? Both? What am I looking at? What would I prefer, what does she like or that she does not have? She kept the photos. Were they good memories? I know that she loved him. She somehow collapsed to her death. Was he a fucking manipulator who had the gift of making his victims feel loved and special by exploiting them for his own selfish needs? I do not know if I will talk to my mother about it. She is old and sick and I trained her through this type of conversation in her twenties. So I write to you. It's so far away from the experience of most people, and I want someone who has heard more sex secrets than anyone in the world is probably telling me what he thinks .
Tourbillon of emotions
I think you should sit down and watch the four hours of Leave Neverland, the new documentary HBO by British filmmaker Dan Reed. It focuses on the experiences of Wade Robson and James Safechuck, two grown-up men who were sexually assaulted by pop star Michael Jackson while they were boys. Allegedly. WOE is an important film to watch, but it's not easy to watch because it contains a graphic description of the sexual violence that both men claim to have suffered as boys.
The second most disturbing part of the film after the graphic descriptions of child rape – or the third most disturbing part after the credulity / guilt of Robson and Safechuck's parents – is perhaps what men have to say about Jackson. Both describe their abuser in romantic terms. They both said that they liked Jackson. And both remain deeply in conflict about their feelings for Jackson at the time and their feelings for him now. It was their affection for Jackson – their desire to protect him and protect what they had convinced was a secret and a bond they shared – that led the two men to lie to those responsible for enforcing the law. law when Jackson was accused of sexually abusing different boys.
Even with its limited reach, Leave Neverland is a heart wrenching watch
Leaving Neverland is not a Michael Jackson documentary, although the late icon casts a long shadow …
Read more
You should also listen to Reed's interview on L & # 39; essential, Mike Pesca's awesome daily podcast. Reading your letter the next day after watching Leave Neverland I reminded one thing that Reed told Pesca: "The movie is about calculus. These are two families who are aware of what happened to their sons. And much of the understanding of that, you know, so why silence? Why did the wires stay silent for so long? Why did they keep the secret? And the key is really to be able to explain why Wade gave a false witness and perjured himself on the witness stand. And the reason is, of course, related to the way in which victims of sexual abuse experience this experience. And how they keep a secret and sometimes form deep attachments with the aggressor and how that attachment persists in adulthood. "
Your mother, like Robson and Safechuck, lied to protect his abuser, a man who mistreated her and who abused you and probably many others. She may have kept these photos for the same reason that Robson and Safechuck claim to have defended Jackson: she loved her father and she was so hurt by what he had done to her – she had been so expertly prepared by her abuser – that she had the impression "Loved" and "special" in the same way that Jackson's alleged abuses have already made Robson and Safechuck feel loved and special. So, horrible as it may be, WOE, your mother may have kept these pictures because they represent what she represents for her "good memories". And although it would be comforting to think that she kept these pictures. as evidence for family members who doubted her story if she ever decided to tell the truth, her father's past defenses go against this explanation.
Leave Neverland demonstrates that sexual abuse plant a time bomb inside a person – shit, sorry, no passive language. Leave Neverland demonstrates that sexual predators like your grandfather and Jackson – fucking manipulators with a gift for their victims to feel loved and special – plant time bombs on their victims. Even if at the beginning, the victim does not consider his abuse as a violation and violence, WOE, a calculation is almost inevitable. One day, all the horror of what has been inflicted on them is highlighted. These calculations can break lives, relationships and souls.
It did not seem like your mother had ever counted her – that day had never come for her – so she never understood what had been done to her and, tragically, what had been inflicted. And your aunt was not the only member of your family to "not really think about anything else". Just as denial and compartmentalization allowed Jackson and made his crimes easier (and allowed the world to enjoy Jackson's music in spite of the denial and compartmentalization that allowed your grandfather "pillar of the community" to rape your daughter, granddaughter and many other children Like Robson and Safechuck, WOE, you have the right to be angry at adults in your family who have failed to protect you from a known predator. The fact that some of them are also its victims provides context, but that does not exempt them.
I'm glad your grandfather died when you were young. It's tempting to wish he was never born, WOE, but you would never be born, and I'm glad you're here. I am particularly happy that you are Thenow integrated into your damaged and damaging family. By telling the truth, you break the silence that has allowed an abuser to groom himself and take on children of several generations of your family. Your grandfather can not victimize anyone else, WOE, but by speaking – by refusing to look away – you made it more difficult for other predators to run away with what your grandfather had done.
P.S. There is a moment in the credits for Leave Neverland that I think you might want to reproduce. These are things that one of Jackson's alleged victims have saved and a home. You'll know what I mean when you see it.
On the Lovecast: Yuck! It's the show of triggers. Listen to savagelovecast.com.
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