There was a lot going on at Capitol Hill on Wednesday. The circus came to town. Michael Cohen, the former lawyer for President Trump, testified for most of the day, and everyone won. You've probably heard excerpts in Uber on the way to work – you have a real job. So we watched every moment because we are paid to do it.
And most of the day was devoted to the question of Trump's personal character. Now Washington residents never tire of being shocked by the incredible Donald Donald Trump. They are incredibly good people and they just can not believe their faults. They had been speechless in Congress while Michael Cohen described his former boss as being – get ready now – a bit like a scammer who sometimes overestimated his personal wealth.
In private, Trump apparently said offensive things. At one point, says Michael Cohen, Trump used a straw buyer to present his portrait at an auction. He wanted his picture to go to the highest price.
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Whoa. Are you still shocked? Can you believe it? Of course you can. This is exactly what we knew in 2015 when he descended into the famous escalator, yet millions of people voted for him anyway. His character was not the point.
The purpose of Wednesday's hearings was not his character either. It was supposed to be a Russian collusion and an obstruction to justice. These are the topics that have completely derailed the US government in the past two years. And on these topics, we actually learned a lot of things.
Here is an example. About a month ago, the chat blog, BuzzFeed, published an article claiming that Trump had ordered Michael Cohen to lie in Congress. It's a big problem. It's a crime. And right away, hysteria in Congress and cable TV went crazy. Accused! Charge! Life in prison!
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But has that really happened? Well, since Cohen was there, in person, he was able to answer that question conclusively at the hearing and he did it.
He admitted that Trump had never told him to lie in Congress. So, it would seem that Trump will not go to jail for subornatory perjury after all – damn, foiled again! Look for a retraction in the latest edition of BuzzFeed. You'll find it just below the 15 cats that resemble Ruth Bader Ginsburg's petrol leaflet. Watch carefully.
But what about Russian blackmail? You've heard about it for years. Trump, they told you, again and again, was somehow compromised by the Russians. And that's why he was spying for them. Putin has something awful and incriminating Donald Trump – he must. A photo of the president in "Batman" costume maybe, or a videotape with prostitutes doing something weird.
Michael Cohen would certainly be aware of this stuff – it's his world. Fortunately, a congressional congressman questioned Cohen directly about this.
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"Are you aware of what the president has done at home or abroad who would have submitted it or would subject him to extortion or blackmail?" Rep. Jamie Raskin, D-Md., Asked
"I'm not, no," says Cohen.
"Okay, are you aware of the existence of videos that may be subject to extortion or blackmail?"
"I've heard about these tapes for a long time," Cohen said. "Many people have contacted me over the years, I have no reason to believe this band exists."
Keep in mind that Michael Cohen has been Trump 's personal advocate for 10 years. He now hates Donald Trump and wants to destroy him … If Michael Cohen had the penny, he would drop it. But he does not have it. There is nothing there. It was a lie. Can we go home now?
Thank you, Mr. Raskin, for clarifying the situation. So, the "pee tape" is not real. The most juicy part of the Trump folder, which you will remember, was another high-profile scoop from BuzzFeed. Good time to come back to these cat videos, comrades.
But wait, what about the trip to Prague that Michael Cohen supposedly carried out as part of his collusion with the dark forces of the Russian empire? It was also in the file. BuzzFeed told us about it. Cohen would surely admit it now. He goes to jail. He has nothing to lose. Well, we asked Cohen about the trip to Prague – and he said that he had never been to Prague, never to the Czech Republic of his life.
It's where it gets confused. Never been to Prague. It is at this point that what they call the "story" begins to collapse a little. If Michael Cohen never went to Prague, like BuzzFeed and Adam Schiff, as well as all of MSNBC 's prime time programming, we have repeatedly told him how Michael Cohen went about it. he stuck with the Russians to steal the 2016 presidential election to his real winner, Hillary Clinton?
Well, it's a good question, is not it? Florida representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, also an interviewer with the Democrats, is also interviewed. "After what you know, did Mr. Trump or lied about collusion and coordination with the Russians at any point in the campaign?" she asked.
Cohen replied in these terms: "Thus, as I said in my testimony, I would not use the word" collusion. "Is there anything odd in the praises with President Putin? Yes, but I'm not really sure I can answer that question in terms of collusion. "
Oh wait, then there is no collusion. There is no Russian blackmail. There is no obstruction to justice. There is nothing about which the whole media class has spent the last two years mulling over and speculating wildly.
Keep in mind that Michael Cohen has been Trump 's personal advocate for 10 years. He now hates Donald Trump and wants to destroy him. He said it again and again. If Michael Cohen had a penny, he would drop it. But he does not have it. There is nothing there. It was a lie. Can we go home now?
No, we still have two days of things like that. Another two days of exchanges where members of Congress will be able to prove that they are not only more stupid than you thought, but that they are much more frightening. Exchanges where they ask for things like, is there a child of love? Is he a dope head? Has he paid for abortions?
Cohen answered no, no, and not in every respect. At the end of the hearing, you really start to feel bad for Michael Cohen. This is not a genius. Anyone who knows him will affirm that. He is in his fifties now and he is about to go to jail – and that 's far from what he hoped to be. Cohen arrived in Washington two years ago, thinking that he would be the kind of guy, the kind of person who moves and who acts like a shaker, who would be welcome in any restaurant of the city. Let's share the seas for Michael Cohen. Now he will gorge himself on a metal tray with a thousand other creeps dressed in an identical polyester uniform.
So, remove the policy for a minute, if you can. Let's be honest. It's a sad story. Michael Cohen is a broken and desperate man. But nobody cares. Democrats applauded for his condemnation on ridiculous and absurd campaign financing charges, as if paying someone's girlfriend was a violation of campaign funding. It's laughable, but they make fun of it.
Now they are trying to use Michael Cohen as he pleases as he crawls into his cell. What else do we draw from it? We learn that Trump is vain and vulgar. Ok, what are we doing with this information? Is it supposed to make us support the opening of borders? Late abortion? The war in Syria? The Green New Deal? Will this make the drug epidemic disappear? Will that make the suicide rate go down? Will there be affordable housing in the cities? What does this have to do with anything?
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Well, it has nothing to do with anything, and that's exactly the point. That's why it's happening forever. The more time they spend stammering privately about Trump's charity auction scam and its vulgar language, the less time they have to explain why they precipitated the prosperity of this country.
It's a distraction and we're cracking for the record.
Adapted from Tucker Carlson's soliloquy from "Tucker Carlson Tonight" of February 27, 2019.