You forgive him? When I discovered my husband's addiction to sex

Source image
Karen Charmaine Chanakira

"Sex addiction" is controversial, as explained by the BBC's Sangita Myska a week ago, but she interviewed a number of people who were severely affected by their compulsive sexual behavior, including a woman who, by chance, 20 years after her marriage, her husband had a secret in his life.

Here is a revised version of his story:

I always thought that my wedding was very normal.We spent several years together before getting married.We had two decades of marriage during which we had children.

My husband was a successful businessman who had moved a lot because of his work. So I spent a lot of time alone taking care of my children because he was going home at the end of each week of vacation.

I thought our relationships were very ordinary and that it seemed very happy when I was at home because I did not know what it was all about.

One day, I went to his office to find a goal and found his laptop open.

It was not my habit to monitor his movements, but the screen was open on his email and I saw a message indicating a hotel reservation in London the day after I left the city for a break with friends. I thought, is it a little strange? Why book a hotel room? It seemed unusual and I could not explain it.

Is sexual addiction already present?

Sexual dependence: five times a day is not enough

I thought about it all day and later, when I fell asleep, I could not help thinking about it. So I took my courage in both hands and asked him to reserve the room, but he did not answer me.

I feel silent that a terrible mistake has occurred and that after about half an hour, but I think it was at most two minutes, I got up and said: What is the problem?

I do not remember his words but he was sorry and said that he met one, then I picked up my bathrobe and went downstairs. I could not stay with him in a room and I burst into tears.

Source image
Karen Charmaine Chanakira

Finally, he went down to the basement and sat in front of me to tell me how sorry he was.

He stated that he had started visiting a club a few years earlier and had met a dancer attracted by her. He had booked the hotel room to meet her in order to consolidate her relationship with her.

I asked him if they had had sex, and he said that until then, it had been limited to "nothing".

I wanted to believe it. I think I was desperate to believe it. I was terribly upset, but part of me made me think, "Well, we can fix it, it's just a middle-aged man and that's it." a crazy moment and we will go beyond.

And because my friends were so excited to join them at a women 's weekend, I thought I would have a few days away from me to find the time to think more.

Source image
Karen Charmaine Chanakira

I did not tell my friends because I wanted to keep it for myself.

It was very difficult days. I did not sleep well and I could not eat. When I think of these days now, I do not know exactly how I could cross them.

When I got home, we talked a lot. But the fact is that I've always thought that coincidence could have played an exaggerated role for email to be found before sexual intercourse. It was hard to believe that a mere coincidence prevented what I feared.

So I pushed him to look me in the eye and tell me that he had not slept with this woman, but he could not. It was two or three weeks after learning e-mail. He then admitted having sex for several weeks or months before.

I was looking at this man I had known for years, and I thought, "How could he hide that from me?" How did I not realize something was wrong?

I could not understand how the man I knew could do what he had done and imply something inconsistent with the fact of the person I know. Since it was not at all understandable, he undertook a painful search and took a closer look at his e-mails.

I found other hotel bookings going back to an earlier era. Even after several months and even two years, she found that certain dates did not correspond at all to her account of the period in which he had a relationship with this woman.

One moment we went out to walk. I told him, "I have to know everything, I'm going to keep pushing because I do not think I know everything." I threatened to consult his bank statements and his email and told him that I needed to know the truth.

He replied, "Are you sure you want to go that way?" Then I said to myself: There are still so many things! But I had no idea what he was going to say and how it would be totally destroyed, as he had revealed.

He used prostitutes throughout our marriage. He told me that he often watched pornographic movies for several hours at a time. And he visited strip clubs, sex and movie theaters while traveling abroad.

I did not tell anyone. A friend or two noticed that I was calmer and asked me about my current state, but I was always ready with an apology: I'm tired, do not sleep well, I'm not sure about it. is probably menopause or my mother is not well. "

Source image
Karen Charmaine Chanakira

I was ashamed of what happened. I was wondering what people would think if I told them? What will they say about Dan or me? I supposed that they would judge our marriage and say it was a false marriage. I also thought that people would say that I was maybe not good enough for him, nor did Pretty pretty nor sexually sexy.

I've always had relatively self-confidence. I was not the woman who touched her nails every week or who used Botox to hide her wrinkles. I am a middle aged woman, my weight is a little older and I get older and have a few wrinkles, which is normal at my age. But what happened broke my appreciation of myself and led me to wonder if others were happy around me.

I started putting on more cosmetics than before and I wanted to look in my best appearance, and I had already lost weight. It took a while before I regained my appetite. I bought new clothes and looked more poetic and I used potex.

But I also thought that there were speeches in his soul, maybe he was sick and now he needs help and help too.

When I went to the clinic, I was told that his behavior was probably "sexist" behavior. I believed him and said: great! There is a "label" for that.

It is then. he is sick. "I wanted to believe it so I could continue to reassure myself that I was not responsible for what had happened and that it would have happened against me."

But he came back once from a treatment session and said that he was not sure whether it was sexism or wrong choice. Hearing it was very difficult for me and I was touched for several days.

When we started attending counseling sessions to improve our married life, I stated very clearly that he had said, "Before discovering the truth, his life was like a dark tunnel where he was hiding and secretly hiding, but he could now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I remember myself, I looked at it and I said: "It's good for you, but I live now in total darkness, everything for me is dark and dark , and I keep the secret now because I can not tell anyone what's going on. " I felt that it was just not right.

I do not want to talk to others because I do not want people to make judgments about me. For example, I watched the Rider Cup yesterday and I saw Tiger Wood with his girlfriend and I'm afraid people will look at her and say, "She's a miserable woman. She is under her absolute control. He is addicted to sex and does not necessarily respect women.

Our marriage is now better than it was, even if it sounds crazy. But we have spent months attending wedding counseling sessions and are now more open to each other than ever before. We talk a lot about our feelings, not just about what we live in the day or what we expect. We talk about our good and bad feelings.

There are still some moments when I feel sad, but I can say that I feel most of the time now that our marriage is stable as well as my emotional state.

Can I forgive him? That's what I've discussed with therapists, but I do not really know what tolerance is.

I do not think I can forgive him the harm he did to me. It's a very deep pain. I do not think I will forgive him at all, but I want to stay with him and I love him. Life is beautiful with him. Is it forgiveness? I do not know.

I think that finally we are in good shape together. We are good friends. I still love him and he reassures me that he always loves me and that he always loved me.

I hate teaching the truth to my children. I hate that too and I think that they will lose all their respect for their father. My family admires my husband. I think if you met him, you would not believe what happened. It's just not the person who can do it.

He is the last person I suspect to be as stupid as he did.