Carolyn Hax: Using fake profiles online to dig up the earth, her mother shows her true face

Dear Carolyn, My mother was very successful at getting information and causing problems to others through social media. She found what husband would cheat. She discovered which teenage son or daughter was taking drugs or had homosexual tendencies, opening accounts and going on to teenage, maid, housewife, successful business owner and even teenager who had created rumors about the sexuality of a boy. She went on to pretend to be a male baseball fan to become good friends (on social media) with my brother's best friend, to find out if they were just friends or in a sexual relation. She asked some of her friends to call my husband to flirt with him to find out if he was faithful.

We quarreled about his involvement in people's lives. And she said, "If you like it, do not start trying to be more moral or nice than everyone else." Then she said, "You would not want anyone starting a rumor about your son's drug use or serious psychological issues." My son is in college and uses social media.

I've tried to warn friends and family members, but everyone rejects it or says it's their fault they've left someone there. Influence on social networks. I am afraid that she has already become friends with my son 's friends online. Should I take it lightly?

– Spy or Just Evil

Spy or Just Evil: Your mother is a terribly terrible person.

I am sure that I have the means to protect this opinion or to present it to you with kindness, but judging by your mother, she is naked and shameless in her pain. The only thing that seems appropriate is to call it in kind.

As his child, your position here is at best complicated. Depending on when she had this problem and how it affected you, therapy can be helpful – or essential.

But there is no place to take anything lightly. Your main choice is whether, with the certainty in your hand (I guess) of your mother's hurt, you still have something to do with it.

The isolation is the ideal desert for anyone who takes pleasure in causing pain.

If her exploits represent a recent and unusual turning point for the wicked, you can continue on this track by discussing the deterioration of her mental health and ways to get the help she needs.

But if his position has always been that everyone is hateful, vicious and whoever is trying to be moral or nice is a poser worthy of his contempt, then you all, you have long waited to attach consequences. to his little hobby of destroying lives for the sport. Ring the horn to warn everyone on her, and then get off her ship in distress. Let his rumors sink into the void.

Dear Carolyn, A few years ago, my husband and I met a couple at a local festival. We usually see them a few times a month for table breaks. For four months now, every time we see them, the woman mentions her next birthday and her wedding anniversary. She wants to celebrate both with a river cruise in Europe, but they will only take part in the trip if we are also committed to accompany them. We should pay for our part.

She has become more and more insistent and talks about it all the time. We do not want to travel with them and feel that they should themselves celebrate these next milestones. We tried to distract her and indirectly refuse her politely every time, but we are lost. How do you suggest we report it to him?

– Tired of deflecting

Tired of deflecting: All those who have just read this now have enough of the deflection.

For the sake of Schnitzel, please, Just say no. Refuse directly. There is no politeness as generous as a direct response: "Thank you for the invitation, but we will spend the trip to Europe." Ahhh. "We know how much that means to you," of course, "so we would like to celebrate with you in another way."

Having said that, can we take a moment to analyze, "We. . . feel that they should themselves celebrate these next milestones "? If you do not want to travel with them, then it's so much your prerogative that I can not understand why you did not just say no. But how they "Should" celebrate is not your prerogative that I have fallen in italics, enigmatic quotation marks and capital letters in one sentence to express my exasperation.

Refuse the invitation, that's fine, but do not do it judge he.

The fact that they do not leave if you do not go there does not stop you if they stay at home. It was their decision to make this trip conditional, so they would be responsible for not going there.

For the future, basic notions about functional friendships are their business. What you do is your business. Draw a mental line in the middle, then stay on your side.