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Dinged for his bald head, his mediocre music and his career as cops and ex-cops without an Oscar, Bruce Willis became the last target of Comedy Central's annual roasts on Saturday.
Even his ex-wife Demi Moore joined on the abuse. After enduring a barrage of off-color yuks from roasters like Kevin Pollak, Edward Norton, Cybill Shepherd, Lil Rel Howery, and Martha Stewart, Willis received an ear from Moore, who was featured as a surprise guest for the roast that was was recorded at the Hollywood Palladium. Although visibly nervous, Moore seemed to enjoy his 12-year-old union with Willis while their three daughters – Rumer, Scout and Tallulah – were cheering and shouting from the audience
"I was married to Bruce for the first three years. Die Hard movies, which is logical because the last two sucked in. "Moore joked. Bruce considered the end of our marriage as his greatest failure. Bruce, do not be so hard on yourself, you had much bigger failures. Planet Hollywood, Hudson Hawk … campaigning for Michael Dukakis, refusing the role of Clooney in Ocean & # 39; s Eleven to focus on the harmonica. "
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, master of the roasters, kicked off" Bruce can play anyone from an ass cop to an ex-cop. "He then took the reins at the sign, which also included comedians Jeff Ross, Nikki Glaser and Dom Irrera and a rather odious Dennis Rodman, who stumbled across his ribald ensemble.
Willis, 63, had the last laugh, However, as always, the laureate receives his own monologue – and yes, he brought his harmonica. "If you're a fan of Bruce Willis movies, and I know you're a fan, I get beaten up for an hour and a half, then I come back and I hit everybody, "he said." Loop yourself, that's crazy ass time! "
Here are 20 of the most brutal jokes of at night:
"Bruce Willis is what you get if you drain the white part of Dwayne Johnson." -Gordon- Levitt
"Is it going to be on Netflix? I want people to see it. "-Glaser
" Martha Stewart, congratulations on bringing this Thai football team out of your vagina and into your sweat shops. "-Glaser
" Your daughters must be so proud of their father "Ashton Kutcher." -Glaser
"Ed Norton was running in the day with Courtney Love. Maybe I should say it in a more respectful way. Ed Norton has AIDS. "-Pollak
" Lil Rel, I wanted to apologize for calling the police about your barbecue. "-Shepherd
" Hollywood would not be Hollywood if it did not reward man for growing old in mediocrity. "-Shepherd
" Moonlighting I played an old model, that I was, and Bruce played an asshole, what it is. Bruce and I were really attracted to each other … we had our ups and downs, but not the ins and outs. It was a perfect formula for success. We may not have had a conversation for 30 years, but we will have something more important. Residual. "-Shepherd
" When I look at Dennis Rodman, I immediately think of the word "n". Nuclear war. If you ever told me in the 90s that Dennis would negotiate a nuclear disarmament treaty with North Korea in 2018, I would have thought: "Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?" "-Stewart
" We have so much celebrity here. Men's movies, women's television and Lil Rel Howery, let me guess, the California Grapes? "-Stewart
" Bruce and I live in the same town of Bedford. It has a beautiful house and the interior design is amazing. He wanted everything to be inside the middle of the modern century, with the exception of his new wife. "-Stewart
" Kevin Pollack, what is my chiropractor doing here? "-Rodman
" Dennis Rodman, you look like genie when you rub a magic crack pipe. "-Irrera
" Comedy Central roasts only the best people. Bruce, Donald Trump, this guy from Baywatch . "-Irrera
" Tonight we honor the reason why the world has a Vin Diesel. F you. "-Ross
" I met Rumer. I guess that's the name you give when you're not 100% sure of who Daddy is. "-Ross
" I look forward to seeing your next project, Die Hard 6: Natural Causes . "-Ross
" I look at our marriage as The Sixth Sense . You were dead all the time. "-More
" Joseph m played a younger role in Looper. He could not remove it. There is an actor who played me successfully. It was Demi Moore. "- Willis
" Cybill, it's great to be back on TV with you, darling, on another show with me. "-Willis
Bruce Willis' Comedy Central Roast airs on July 29 on Comedy Central.
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