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Former Buffalo Sabers goaltender Robin Lehner reacts in January 2018.(Photo: Brad Penner, USA TODAY Sports)
New York Islanders goaltender Robin Lehner spoke of a suicidal state last spring due to untreated bipolar disorder and a crippling fight against drug addiction.
"I wanted to kill myself, I was extremely close to many times," wrote Lehner in an essay as a guest author for The Athletic released Thursday. "The battle to play hockey was nothing compared to the battle in my brain, it was at its worst."
Lehner, 27, described the management of his depression and anxiety by drinking a case of beer a day to "install the demons" and take medicine to help him fall asleep.
"I treated myself because I could not be in my head on my own," he wrote. "The thoughts of putting an end to it all … it was real and close."
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The native of Sweden said he had a turning point on March 29 when he finally asked for help following a panic attack while he was the Buffalo Sabers goalkeeper. He turned to the NHL and NHL Players Association and was directed to an Arizona detox program that saved his life.
"It does not really matter, I was going to do a rehab for me and my family," he wrote. "It's the only thing I've done in my life that made me feel like a real man."
At The Meadows, a drug treatment center, Lehner was diagnosed with "bipolar disorder 1 with manic phases" as well as ADHD associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. He said his struggle was complicated by a childhood surrounded by abuse, addiction and mental illness.
Lehner stayed longer after his stint at The Meadows. "It was said that my detox was one of the worst that they had seen," Lehner said.
After getting rid of his mental illness, Lehner said he was able to "finally love" and "feel love" as a husband and father. But this most difficult part, he said, "came back to hockey".
Lehner understood how his bipolar disorder had affected his game. "I had never experienced a hockey season sobering my entire career," he said. "With these manic swings, I could see the pattern.When I was hypomanic and cheerful, I was a solid goalkeeper.The depressive state, not so much."
Lehner said that before the Islanders signed him for a one-year contract in July, he had to face NHL teams as a free agent because he did not have the Was not ready to make public his mental illness. He said that not finding a team had almost brought him back to alcohol.
"One meeting in particular was worse than the others," he writes. "I was bombarded with questions about why I was a bad person or a bad teammate and I could not say anything, I took it for hours. said I had a bad influence and that I had less of a chance would be buried in the miners and that would end my career. I was crushed. "
Lehner said that the main reason he became public now is to help others and to de-stigmatize mental illness.
"It's time to take the" crazy "stamp of bipolar disorder," he wrote. "I want people to know that there is hope in despair, that there is a cure to deal with a horrible past and that it is n '. there is no shame in involving others in your battle. "
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