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Gisele Bündchen made her motherhood look effortless and glamorous in a now famous Instagram photo of herself who was nursing her 1 year old daughter Vivian while she was working in 2013.
But in his memoirs, Lessons: my way to a meaningful life Written in the style of a magazine, the famous private model reveals that maternity was a harder fit than her enviable Instagram photo.
"Things may seem perfect outside, but you have no idea what's really going on," said Bündchen, 38, in a revealing interview in this week's PEOPLE issue. "Maybe it was time to share some of my vulnerabilities and it made me realize everything I had lived, I would never change, because I think I am what I am because of these experiences.
After marrying quarterback Tom Brady, 41, of the New England Patriots in 2009, Bündchen welcomed their son Benjamin (8 years old) the same year and his daughter Vivian (5 years old) three years later. (Bündchen is also close to Jack, 11, the son of Brady with actress Bridget Moynahan, whom she calls "the bonus child.")
Together, they always seemed to be the perfect family. But the Bündchen, very independent, now admits that the transition left her initially lost and confused.
"When I became a mother, I sort of lost myself. It was as if part of me was dead, "she says. "I was this very independent person. It was all for me. But now, I had this little being and suddenly, I felt that I could not do other things and it was very hard for me. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, but when you experience it, it 's a shock.
Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen celebrate their 2017 Super Bowl win with daughter Vivian
Kevin C. Cox / Getty
Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady with their children, Vivian and Benjamin
Gisele Bundchen / Instagram
Tom Brady and his children
Gisele Bundchen / Instagram
Although she had reduced her work to stay close to home (she had moved from New York to Boston, where Brady plays), "I've had all this horrible self-imposed guilt." I thought what a terrible mother I was to leave my child, even for a day, "she says. When she took her kids to jobs, "I felt guilty for that too. Like "We are on a plane and the baby is crying".
Bündchen also recognizes that the stress of parenting has sometimes weighed on her marriage.
Taking the majority of babysitting while Brady trains – often from 6 to 18 hours. – "You are overwhelmed and tired and you are not the best partner," she admits.
To learn more about Bündchen's book, take the current issue of PEOPLE, on the stands Friday.
Bündchen says that she and her husband had disagreements (her decision not to retire, for once) and went through difficult times (like the Deflategate scandal in 2015, when Brady was suspended while He played with inflated balloons).
"When a person you love is happy, it makes you happy or sad, it makes you sad," she says. "You suffer with them and you have joy with them."
RELATED VIDEO: Gisele Bündchen is writing a book on modeling, marriage and a "meaningful life"
Together, they learned how to handle tensions. Bündchen remembers a difficult time when she and Brady were in different countries, and he sent her an email that she describes as "nasty". Rather than responding in kind, she put her fury on paper and decided to burn the pages.
"Then I told him that I was ready to talk whenever he was ready to resume the conversation with love and respect," she recalls. They rebuilt from there and, she said, "Tom read my book but he never asked what was in this letter. [I burned]! "
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