Helping a loved one with dementia at family reunions



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By Patricia Corrigan, Next Avenue collaborator

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In many families, the Thanksgiving dinner is a collaborative effort. Someone brings Brussels sprouts, someone prepares cranberry compote and someone arrives with pumpkin pies.

According to experts, it may be time to ask a guest to monitor a member of your family with Alzheimer's disease or another dementia. Otherwise, this family member may sit alone, looking away, while others mingle after the meal.

"Most people with Alzheimer's disease at an early or intermediate stage enjoy social relationships and many would like to have a family holiday dinner," says Dr. Suzanne Schindler, neurologist and professor at Washington University School of Medicine. St. Louis Medicine.

Also on Forbes:

Consider what the person with dementia would appreciate

According to Schindler, when planning the event, it is important to take into account the needs and desires of these people. What would they like? What would make them happy? Maybe your mother likes to dance. Encourage the youngest children to ask him to dance a little. Does your father like to sing? A family singing after dinner may be in order.

A person with mobility problems may prefer to go quietly with one person at a time, remembering their previous vacation. A family photo album can spark this conversation. Sometimes, just sit together to observe others at the rally.

"You want the person to be engaged, but neither too much nor too little," says Schindler. Too few people could sit in the back of a room. Too many people could sit in the middle of a noisy crowd or on the active children's trail.

What topics should be avoided? Current events can be troubling for someone with short-term memory loss. Schindler also warns of the correction of people with dementia, who could say inaccurate things, or call them for rehearsal. She recommends avoiding any confrontation.

Do not make assumptions about Alzheimer's disease

It is estimated that 5.7 million Americans live with Alzheimer's disease. Still, many people are still not well informed about this debilitating disease for which there is no cure. Simply recognizing that a family member has Alzheimer's disease is often emotionally difficult. Beyond the sadness, some fear that they too develop the disease, but experts say that age is a risk factor much more important than genetics.

Monica Moreno, Senior Director of Care and Support at the Alzheimer's Association, agrees with Schindler's suggestion that before the family reunion they talk openly about the level of illness of a loved one, what they need to expect and how they can help it.

"Many people hear the word" Alzheimer's "and think of someone who can not communicate or do not know what's going on around them," Moreno said. "It's not always the case. Alzheimer's disease affects everyone differently and that's why we should not make assumptions. "

Moreno offers these general tips:

  • Remember to organize the Christmas meal at brunch or lunch, as some people with dementia are tired or confused later in the day.
  • Interact directly with the person, rather than his guardian, during the event.
  • Be an attentive and patient listener, as some people may need more time to formulate their answers to questions.
  • Invite the person to participate in a non-stressful way, perhaps by helping to set the table or fold the napkins, depending on the level of operation.
  • Provide a quiet place where the person can spend a little time if necessary.

Moreno also recommends keeping your sense of humor, which eases everyone's mood and facilitates communications. And keep in mind that a specific advice or strategy that does not work one day may also work the next day.

The Alzheimer's Association website offers more tips on how to communicate with people at the early, middle and advanced stages of the disease, including a short video.

Try to interpret the unexpected behaviors

If your loved one with dementia becomes distressed during a holiday meal, Moreno recommends trying to reorient him. "Change the subject or suggest going to see the holiday table or invite someone else to take part in your conversation," she said. If that does not work, try to understand all the behaviors you may see, because all behaviors are a form of communication.

"A person can try to get up and leave. By doing this, what does he say? Maybe they need a drink or go to the bathroom, or maybe they feel anxious or over excited because of the too high noise level. It's helpful to know what triggers can cause different behaviors, "said Moreno.

And if things get out of hand, the Alzheimer's Association has a hotline with clinicians who can offer support all day, every day. The number is 800-272-3900.

Have realistic expectations when circumstances change

As dementia progresses, its ability to interact with other people will change as well. The family will have to adapt to this and there may be a time when a big gathering is just too difficult for a loved one with dementia.

For example, my friend Elizabeth will not participate in her family's Thanksgiving dinner this year. I wrote about it two years ago. At age 68, she was the youngest person living in a memory care unit after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Now she is in a qualified nursing unit and Michael, her husband, tells me that it is not easy to keep Elizabeth at work when he visits her every day.

"Elizabeth will not engage in conversation and it's often hard to get a response to what I'm saying," says Michael. "We will almost always go for a walk on the ground. We look at the trees and the beautiful autumn leaves and talk about it. This always provides a good distraction. "

The family reunions of Elizabeth and Michael have always been numerous. They have three children with their own families, plus Elizabeth has eight living brothers and sisters and Michael has two, all with families. "I do not bring Elizabeth home for the holidays," he says. "The crowd would be too much."

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By Patricia Corrigan, Next Avenue collaborator

In many families, the Thanksgiving dinner is a collaborative effort. Someone brings Brussels sprouts, someone prepares cranberry compote and someone arrives with pumpkin pies.

According to experts, it may be time to ask a guest to monitor a member of your family with Alzheimer's disease or another dementia. Otherwise, this family member may sit alone, looking away, while others mingle after the meal.

"Most people with Alzheimer's disease at an early or intermediate stage enjoy social relationships and many would like to have a family holiday dinner," says Dr. Suzanne Schindler, neurologist and professor at Washington University School of Medicine. St. Louis Medicine.

Also on Forbes:

Consider what the person with dementia would appreciate

According to Schindler, when planning the event, it is important to take into account the needs and desires of these people. What would they like? What would make them happy? Maybe your mother likes to dance. Encourage the youngest children to ask him to dance a little. Does your father like to sing? A family singing after dinner may be in order.

A person with mobility problems may prefer to go quietly with one person at a time, remembering their previous vacation. A family photo album can spark this conversation. Sometimes, just sit together to observe others at the rally.

"You want the person to be engaged, but neither too much nor too little," says Schindler. Too few people could sit in the back of a room. Too many people could sit in the middle of a noisy crowd or on the active children's trail.

What topics should be avoided? Current events can be troubling for someone with short-term memory loss. Schindler also warns of the correction of people with dementia, who could say inaccurate things, or call them for rehearsal. She recommends avoiding any confrontation.

Do not make assumptions about Alzheimer's disease

It is estimated that 5.7 million Americans live with Alzheimer's disease. Still, many people are still not well informed about this debilitating disease for which there is no cure. Simply recognizing that a family member has Alzheimer's disease is often emotionally difficult. Beyond the sadness, some fear that they too develop the disease, but experts say that age is a risk factor much more important than genetics.

Monica Moreno, Senior Director of Care and Support at the Alzheimer's Association, agrees with Schindler's suggestion that before the family reunion they talk openly about the level of illness of a loved one, what they need to expect and how they can help it.

"Many people hear the word" Alzheimer's "and think of someone who can not communicate or do not know what's going on around them," Moreno said. "It's not always the case. Alzheimer's disease affects everyone differently and that's why we should not make assumptions. "

Moreno offers these general tips:

  • Remember to organize the Christmas meal at brunch or lunch, as some people with dementia are tired or confused later in the day.
  • Interact directly with the person, rather than his guardian, during the event.
  • Be an attentive and patient listener, as some people may need more time to formulate their answers to questions.
  • Invite the person to participate in a non-stressful way, perhaps by helping to set the table or fold the napkins, depending on the level of operation.
  • Provide a quiet place where the person can spend a little time if necessary.

Moreno also recommends keeping your sense of humor, which eases everyone's mood and facilitates communications. And keep in mind that a specific advice or strategy that does not work one day may also work the next day.

The Alzheimer's Association website offers more tips on how to communicate with people at the early, middle and advanced stages of the disease, including a short video.

Try to interpret the unexpected behaviors

If your loved one with dementia becomes distressed during a holiday meal, Moreno recommends trying to reorient him. "Change the subject or suggest going to see the holiday table or invite someone else to take part in your conversation," she said. If that does not work, try to understand all the behaviors you may see, because all behaviors are a form of communication.

"A person can try to get up and leave. By doing this, what does he say? Maybe they need a drink or go to the bathroom, or maybe they feel anxious or over excited because of the too high noise level. It's helpful to know what triggers can cause different behaviors, "said Moreno.

And if things get out of hand, the Alzheimer's Association has a hotline with clinicians who can offer support all day, every day. The number is 800-272-3900.

Have realistic expectations when circumstances change

As dementia progresses, its ability to interact with other people will change as well. The family will have to adapt to this and there may be a time when a big gathering is just too difficult for a loved one with dementia.

For example, my friend Elizabeth will not participate in her family's Thanksgiving dinner this year. I wrote about it two years ago. At age 68, she was the youngest person living in a memory care unit after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Now she is in a qualified nursing unit and Michael, her husband, tells me that it is not easy to keep Elizabeth at work when he visits her every day.

"Elizabeth will not engage in conversation and it's often hard to get a response to what I'm saying," says Michael. "We will almost always go for a walk on the ground. We look at the trees and the beautiful autumn leaves and talk about it. This always provides a good distraction. "

The family reunions of Elizabeth and Michael have always been numerous. They have three children with their own families, plus Elizabeth has eight living brothers and sisters and Michael has two, all with families. "I do not bring Elizabeth home for the holidays," he says. "The crowd would be too much."

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