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A photo recently surfaced online showing the Canadian pop star Justin Bieber (or someone who looks a lot like him) eating a burrito. Sideways.
While it would seem to be a way to eat, it is a way to eat one of these foil wrapped gut bombs: Keep it upright, use both hands and bring the burrito to your face (as opposed to burying your face in the burrito as depicted below). Like all meaningful moments of intimacy, you have to work your way through it slowly. And never, ever order the lettuce.
does … .justin bieber not know how … burritos work? pic.twitter.com/WWKP2ttARe
– Ryan Bassil (@ryanbassil) October 25, 2018
Because Bieber is such a major influence on the youth, we need it immediately. I consulted The Chronicle 's Food Editor Paolo Lucchesi and Pop Culture Critic / Peter Hartlaub expert burrito for some basic label:
Q: Why do you think Justin Bieber is eating his burrito sideways?
Lucchesi: This is clearly the first burrito he has ever had.
Hartlaub: I've been thinking about this lot since I saw the photo. My best guess is that it is a method of acting, that is, that it does not have any effect. I will not be surprised that he's watching a movie in a future Disney movie.
Lucchesi: Peter makes a good point, but the spread fingertips and gnawing action makes me think raccoon.
Q: Is it ever okay to take off your burrito all at once?
Lucchesi: I believe that everyone is entitled to enjoy the world of food and drink. HOWEVERit is unacceptable to remove all foil from a burrito at once. From a purely architectural standpoint, the burrito can not hold properly without its support system. In fact, this error may be the cause of this midsection-burrito scrolling.
Hartlaub: I could see a situation where one might, theoretically, need to perform some kind of emergency burrito surgery. Like if you find out someone in your burrito and you need to remove it. Or if your burrito maker says, "I lost my wedding ring, could you check your burrito?" But in that case, you should immediately replace the foil. So really no.
Q: What is the best way to deal with structural deficiencies in burritos – holes, rips, drips? Do you eat quickly like an ice cream cone or move the foil back up?
Lucchesi: Poor architecture is the No. 1 shortcoming of burritos – not only the foil exoskeleton, but also the distribution of the interior ingredients. No one wants to be with a mouthful of plain, or to find the guac hiding at the bottom. As such, the best defense against poor burrito design is going to your trusted taqueria, and support it time and time again. But if structural deficiencies are unavoidable, then the best fix is to move quickly. Time is of the essence.
Hartlaub: What's happening in this photo is not the burrito's fault. Imagine if someone ran through the airport with their suitcase unzipped and turned it upside down. Is Samsonite to blame for all the clothes strewn on the ground? Careful foil maintenance should handle most deficiencies. Short of that, it's of vital importance to the burrito seam, spread and holding firmly like a saxophone player, to maintain the structural integrity. Bieber is doing neither of these things.
There's a piece of lettuce sticking out of Bieber's burrito. Does lettuce belong in a burrito?
Lucchesi: I vote no, though I will say that I have had a lettuce and not a burritos Mission and it is not bad thought. But here's the thing, if – a big if! – you are going to have a lot in the burrito, it needs to be shredded and not wilted. I've zoomed in on this picture and it seems to me that it's a thick leaf, and it's discolored, implying a wilt. That's no good.
What did you think happened 5 minutes after the photo of Bieber was taken?
Lucchesi: He gnawed his way through the middle of the lettuce burrito and then suddenly, the burrito split in half, leaving our hero with a dismembered burrito end in each of his paws. Confused at this unexpected turn of events, we proceeded to stare at his two fistfuls of burritos. Then the idea hit, like a bolt of Canadian lightning – just as Elaine created "Top of the Muffin to You" in that "Seinfeld" episode, so had created the perfect food: burrito ends.
Hartlaub: The burrito must have definitely fallen on the ground after this photo was taken. A member of his entourage then ran and grabbed a second burrito, which was one of those smoothies to prevent another disaster.
Q: The last cock of a burrito is the best cock. True or really true?
Lucchesi: In a well-constructed, tightly-knit burrito, this is really true. Though the first cock is also pretty, pretty good.
Hartlaub: Usually the best or the worst, depending on the burrito maker. Poorly constructed burritos can end up with a burrito soup at the bottom.
Q: What do you do with the foil when you are done?
Hartlaub: I must put the foil in my compost or recycling. Then, I wish the burrito had a Stuart Little-sized recycling bin where I could deposit my gumball-sized wad of foil burrito. Then I put the tiny foil ball in the full-size human recycling.
Q: Is it because he's Canadian?
Hartlaub: I do not think so. But to be fair, I've never seen a member of Rush eat a burrito.
Lucchesi: Unclear. This requires some investigative journalism, so I'm going to walk around the Mission, looking for Canadians eating burritos.
This is not a Canadian thing, I can assure you lol.
– Nick Pfeifer (@nickyelbows) October 25, 2018
Next time on "How to Eat Your Food":
Michael Buble pic.twitter.com/D6x9lOSOQ8
– Fake N. Ame (@ItsAnAmerican) October 25, 2018
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