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Monica Lewinsky pointed out some of the most painful moments surrounding her affair with President Bill Clinton, including thoughts of suicide, for a forthcoming A & E docuseries about the scandal.
Lewinsky was a 22-year-old White House intern when her sexual relationship began with Clinton, then age 49, in November 1995. News of the affair broke in January 1998, sparking an onslaught of media attention and federal investigations.
"There was a point for me … where I would be hysterically crying and then I would just shut down," Lewinsky says in a clip of A & E's "The Clinton Affair" released Tuesday. "And in the shutdown period, I remember looking at the window and thinking that it's just that way to get rid of me."
"I just – I felt terrible. I was scared, "she said, breaking down in tears. "And I was mortified and afraid of what was going to my family. I was really in love with Bill at the time.
Lewinsky first publicized that she had considered suicide in an essay she penned for Vanity Fair in June 2014, writing that "the shame, the scorn, and the fear" put her in a dark place.
"I have never actually tried suicide, but I had strong suicidal temptations several times during the investigations and then one or two periods after," she wrote.
Though Lewinsky has said that the relationship was consensual, she wrote in March that she was beginning to reconsider that notion based on power imbalances and "the ability to abuse them."
In a new Vanity Fair essay published Tuesday, Lewinsky bashed Clinton for stating this year that he did not feel he was able to train a personal apology.
"What does it feel more important than I am?" Owed gold deserving of a personal apology is my belief that Bill Clinton should want to apologize, "Lewinsky wrote. "I'm less disappointed by him, and more disappointed for _him_. He would be a better man for it … and we, in turn, a better society. "
Thoughts in the past few years, Lewinsky explained why they decided to participate in A & E's docuseries.
"One main reason: because I could, "she wrote. "Throughout history, women have been translated and silenced. Now, it's time for our own stories in our own words. "
"The Clinton Affair" premieres on A & E at 9 p.m. on Nov. 18.
If you need help, call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also text HOME to 741-741 for free, 24-hour support from the Crisis Text Line. Outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of resources.
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