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If a tie is like kissing your sister, than America got treated to the weirdest-make-out session of all-time on Sunday when the Browns and Steelers game ended in a 21-21 tie.
The game was completely new and better, but it could not have been anywhere near the game, well, except for a winner. I do not want to be one, I mean no one. For example, take the people of Cleveland: If the Browns had somehow upset the Steelers, there would have been free flowing all over the city. Instead, everyone in Cleveland had to stay sober because of their dreams.
Little does Bud Light know that a tie in Cleveland is basically the same thing as a win. I mean, let's not forget that this is the same city that threw a parade for a team that went 0-16 last season. Honestly, the Browns should think about throwing a parade this week and that's because the team is off to its best start since 2004.
Sure, 0-0-1 is nothing to brag about, but when you've started 0-1 for 13 straight seasons like the Browns had before 2018, getting a tie in your first game of the year is basically the equivalent of winning seven Super Bowls in a row, but without the trophies, or the rings. OK, it's not like winning seven Super Bowls in a row at all, but I still think the Browns should hold a parade for playing in a tie game.
By the way, the most impressive part of the game for the Browns is that they were not even distracted by James Conner's haircut.
The Steelers need to take that $ 14.5 million they were thinking about giving to Le'Veon Bell and spend it on a stylist for Conner. I think we would all agree that it would definitely be a better use of the money. Also, I would say that Conner's hair-do was the worst disaster of Week 1, but that's not the case, because it belongs to EVERY FIRST-YEAR COACH IN THE NFL.
There were seven new coaches hired in 2018 and THEY ALL managed to lose in Week 1, which means they have a worse record than the Browns and having a worse record than the Browns is arguably a fireable offense.
Also, it seems that Jon Gruden skipped all of his training camp and just spent his entire summer on a beach in Cabo.
Alright, enough talking about Gruden's tan, let's get to the Week 2 picks.
More NFL
Actually, before we get to my picks, here's a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert here. The reason you should, Dave Richard, is apparently good at things besides fantasy sports.
Dave went 10-5-1 in his picks against the spread in Week 1. Now, I'm not sure what that means, but I think it means you should follow him on Twitter. Dave loves to dispense fantasy advice, which is why. Sure that might seem excessive … OK, that's excessive. I'm surprised he has not blocked my number.
Now, let's get my to picks, where I promised to get James Conner's haircut if I go 0-16 against the spread this week.
NFL Week 2 Picks
Minnesota (1-0) at Green Bay (1-0)
1 p.m ET (FOX)
I have no idea if Aaron Rodgers is going to play in this game, and even if he does, I have no idea if he's going to be healthy. Basically, I think what I'm trying to say that I have no idea who to pick. My general rule of thumb when trying to pick the winner in a packers game is to always pick the packers, especially when that game is being played at Lambeau Field in September.
Sure, we're all talking about the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, but we should be talking about the fall leaves at Lambeau, because the packers are more unbeatable in September and fall leaves are fun to look at. Since the beginning of the season, the Packers are undefeated (9-0) in September and scored an average of 30.1 points in those games. Now, I know what you're thinking about and I completely agree: This is not the first time you go to sleep with the pumpkin Spice Latte. I'm not sure if the packers are powered by Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but that's the theory I'm working with right now. I bet Rodgers slammed three of those things during halftime of the Bears game, which would fully explain the 20-point come-from-behind win.
One interesting subplot to this game is that Rodgers will be facing the same Vikings team that ended up when they broke his collarbone. I sliced my finger open for years and I still have not forgiven the knife, so I can not imagine how Rodgers feels towards the Vikings. As a matter of fact, if Rodgers does play on Sunday, I'm 99 percent sure that his rivalry with the Vikings is going to reach a Nicki Minaj-Cardi B. level of craziness.
I do not know how I did it, but I think I was getting into the packers, unless Rodgers does not play, then I'm taking the Vikings by three touchdowns.
The pick: Packers 20-17 over Vikings if Rodgers plays (Vikings win 34-13 if Rodgers is out)
Kansas City (1-0) at Pittsburgh (0-0-1)
1 p.m. AND (CBS)
I'm not sure what's going on with Le'Veon Bell and the Steelers right now, but I have to say, I have not seen this kind of constant drama since "One Tree Hill" went on the air in 2012. At first I thought it would be a good thing, but now, I'm not sure that it's because Bell has taken the drama to social media.
The tweet you see above is what Bell feels like after the Steelers game with the Browns ended in a tie, and I think we can not agree on the monocle emoji unless you mean business.
You know who else means business? The Jets. They add another twist to this drama by following Bell on Instagram this week, which is basically the equivalent of a few others. I see you Jets.
I'm telling you, Bell vs. the Steelers might go down as the greatest NFL drama of the social media era. If the same type of drama was going on, it would have been written by Taylor Swift and one of her boyfriends.
The way I see it, one of two things is going to happen this week. Bell is going to report to Pittsburgh, but just like last year, it is not going to be in the air. room for another week. I have lost all faith in the Steelers, which is saying a lot, because they were my Super Bowl pick out of the AFC this year.
Andy Reid dumped Alex Smith and went with Patrick Mahomes. Since taking over as Chiefs coach in 2013, Reid has faced the Steelers with 15.6 points in those games thanks to Alex Smith, who was almost always trying to play it safe. Mahomes is not going to play it safe. As a matter of fact, I do not even think Mahomes has the word "safe" in his vocabulary. Reid is going to unleash him and after this game, I could have changed my Super Bowl pick to the Chiefs.
The pick: Chiefs 37-24 over Steelers
Detroit (0-1) at San Francisco (0-1)
4:05 pm ET (FOX)
I'm already pretty sure of it, that Bill Belichick's train assistants are not very good when they do not have Belichick around. For reference, let's check out the Belichick coaching tree following the Lions' Week 1 loss to the Jets.
That tree is more like a dying cactus.
Now I know why Josh McDaniels did not take the Colts job, he knew there was no way he would succeed without Belichick. I mean, of all the losses in Week 1, the biggest disaster was definitely the Lions 31-point blowout loss in New York. Patricia, who's supposed to be a defensive genius, but I'm not sure we can call him that because no defensive genius would give up 48 points to the Jets. And then we have the Lions Offense, which was so predictable in Week 1 that the Jets knew exactly what they were going to run.
I'm not sure what's up in the NFL, but the Jets predicting your plays has to be close.
Not only did the Lions get beat up in Week 1, but now they have to fly the country on a short week to play the 49ers on Jimmy Garoppolo bobblehead day and let me just say that there is a zero percent chance the 49ers are going Jimmy Garoppolo bobblehead day.
Lions played in Week 1, the 49ers could probably start the game at this game. By the way, there's no point in this world, but there's definitely going to be one after this game. It's hard to say that it would be worth it, but I think it's worth adding 140 percent to the value.
That gives me an idea, this week on the Six Podcast Pick, I should debate Will Brinson about who would make a better bobblehead, me or him. (Note: I do podcasts sometimes.If you've ever wondered what I sound like, feel free to click here and listen).
The pick: 49ers 33-20 over Lions
New England (1-0) at Jacksonville (1-0)
4:25 pm ET (CBS)
If the Jaguars are planning to get revenge in this game for their AFC title loss, I have some bad news for them: There are not many people left to get revenge on.
For reference, let's take a quick look at the Patriots leading players from last January's 24-20 AFC Championship win over the Jags.
- Leading Patriots' rusher from that game (Dion Lewis): Does not play for New England anymore
- Leading Patriots from the game (Brandin Cooks): Does not play for New England anymore
- Second leading receiver from that game (Danny Amendola): Does not play for New England anymore
- Third leading receiver from that game (Lewis): Does not play for New England anymore
One thing you'll notice is that Rob Gronkowksi is not on the list and that's because the Jaguars absolutely shut him down. Gronk had just one catch for 21 yards before leaving the game at halftime with a concussion. I think what I'm trying to say that the Patriots offense is arguably worse this year and the Jaguars defense is arguably better.
For the second quarter of the AFC title game, the Jags' defense suffocated the Patriots offense and that's fully what I'm expecting to happen on Sunday. Apparently, Tom Brady's is also expecting the same thing to happen because he did not even pick his dad for this year's fantasy football.
Of course, let's not forget this AFC Championship rematch overshadow the biggest news in this game: The Jags are playing their first home game of the year, which means their pool is officially open!
Over the years, the Jags pool has been home to some of my favorite memories in NFL history. I mean, who can forget the time in 2014 when a woman in Jacksonville threw her bathing suit etiquette out the window and wore her clothes into the pool.
Also, let's not forget the time that Marlins Man, thinking he was an actual marlin, decided to go swimming in the Jaguars pool with some friends.
The Jaguars pool is undefeated at life and the Jags will be too, after this game.
The pick: Jaguars 20-16 over Patriots
Nathan Peterman special: L.A. Chargers (0-1) at Buffalo (0-1)
1 p.m. AND (CBS)
I'm only picking this game because it's Nathan Peterman against the Chargers, which is a rematch that you do not think, but trust me, you do. The last time we saw Petman on the field against the Chargers, he was the first half of the world, which I thought was the worst game I had ever seen a quarterback until Peterman topped himself on Sunday when he registered a 0.0 QB rating.
That's almost as improbable as registering a 0.0 blood alcohol level after a four-night bachelor party in Vegas. It's basically unheard of. To put Peterman's Week 1 game in perspective, his QB rating was 17.9 the time he threw those five interceptions, so he WAS EVEN WORSE ON SUNDAY AGAINST BALTIMORE.
I really want to pick a blowout in this game, except my one issue with the Chargers is that they are almost as bad at catching football as Peterman is at throwing them. Here are some news clips of Chargers Receivers trying to catch a football in Week 1.
If you were drinking every day the Chargers dropped on Sunday, you would have blacked out by halftime. Of course, if they drop three touchdown passes against Buffalo, the Chargers should still win by two touchdowns.
Before I make the pick here, I should note that there is a chance that Josh Allen, so I'm making two picks, except this is not a crazy picks I made in the Vikings-Packers game.
The pick: Chargers 31-17 over Bills if Peterman starts (Chargers 31-20 if Josh Allen starts)
NFL Week 2 picks: All the rest
Bengals 23-20 over Ravens
Falcons 27-21 over Panthers
Texans 30-17 over Titans
Saints 34-24 over Browns
Jets 19-16 over Dolphins
Eagles 22-16 over Buccaneers
Redskins 31-23 over Colts
Rams 38-20 over Cardinals
Broncos 23-16 over Raiders
Cowboys 22-19 over Giants
Bears 24-20 over Seahawks
Last Week
Best pick: Last week, I picked the Broncos to beat the Seahawks by the Broncos went out and beat the Seahawks by three. Now, did I know that Russell Wilson was going to be sacked six times and spend the entire game running for his life? Of course I did, that's basically Seattle's entire offense. Although I can not say for sure, I'm pretty convinced the Seahawks do not actually have a playbook and everything is in the huddle is something along the lines of Wilson telling the team, "Hey guys, I'm just going to Can someone please get open? "
The unfortunate news for Wilson is that it does not appear that things are going to get any easier in Week 2.
The Seahawks play the Bears on Monday and there's a good chance #PrayForRussellWilson could be trending on Twitter before the game is over.
Worst pick: Last week, I picked the Titans to beat the Dolphins and not only did I get the wrong pick, but I live in Nashville and Titans-Dolphins was the only game on. Have you ever watched NFL game for seven straight hours? No. You have not. Because no one has. Not only is this the longest game in NFL history, but I think it is the most important thing for you.
Thanks to two weather delays, the game ended up seven hours and eight minutesBlaine Gabbert play quarterback for nearly half a year. I mean, if that's not torture, I do not know what is.
Just to give you an idea of how long this game was, I could have watched Titanic twice while Titans-Dolphins was on. I also could have watched Season 1 of Gossip Girl or I could have watched every movie Saw series, which is probably what I should have done because of the victims in the history of the Titans-Dolphins game.
NFL should think about making every game, apparently, fans seem to like it.
I am now rooting for Chargers-Bills to the last seven hours just to see if it's possible for Nathan Peterman to throw 11 interceptions in one game.
Picks Record
Straight up in Week 1: 9-6-1
SU Overall: 9-6-1
Against the spread in Week 1: 7-8-1
ATS Overall: 7-8-1
You can find John Breech on Facebook gold Twitter and if he's not doing one of those things, he's probably using Jimmy Garoppolo bobblehead.
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