The discouraging spiral of Mac Miller: in his last year of ups and downs

"I tend to talk a little bit about things and cook in them."

So Mac Miller told Vulture Last month, stating that he was his own harshest critic, the judgment in his head was more likely to propel him forward than any contribution coming from outside.

He had only trouble in the first half of 2018, his break with Ariana Grandein May, followed a few days later by an impaired driving arrest, and after running his Mercedes G Wagon in an electric pole, he left. A witness reported the accident and the police went to his home.

"He was the most polite and kind person we have ever seen," a police source told TMZ.

But a few weeks later, Miller dropped three new songs – "Small Worlds", "Buttons" and "Programs" – and since then he seemed to be growing. He wished Great for his commitment to Pete Davidson. He was promoting his new album, Swimming, which came out on August 3rd. He did a "Tiny Desk" concert for NPR and played on The late show with Stephen Colbert August 13th. He was going on tour in October. Later in the month, he played tennis and enjoyed the sun of L.A.

"I'm back, man, I have another record," said a smiling Miller Zane Lowe in July, during which the Beats 1 host pointed out, "Yeah, and you look good, man, there is light in your eyes."

Miller said the DUI was a huge wake up call, the best thing that could have happened. "I have lived a certain life for 10 years and I have had virtually no impact," said the rapper. "I did not have a version of the story that does not end with me."

Just yesterday Vulture the profile is out.

Friday, Mac Miller is dead. No cause has yet been given, but it is reported as an apparent overdose. He was 26 years old.

Tributes sprang from his fellow artists. Warner Bros. he called "an extremely talented and inspiring artist" and his death a "devastating loss". In a brief statement asking for privacy, his family called it "a brilliant light in this world".

So begins the search for signs, the analysis of the words, the clues that he was getting out of control despite the positivity he was showing lately. The same is true of the vile comments on Grande's social media accounts and the accusations, all of which are detrimental rather than helpful and ultimately pointless.

"Everybody wants to make the front page, I have nothing to say," Miller said on "Programs."

In the decade that followed his notoriety on the hip-hop scene, Miller tackled the theme of his perception of reality. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that all he could do was be true to himself.

"I've always felt as long as I'm 100% honest, so it's just me," he said. Nylon magazine in 2016. "It's a lot easier to sleep at night that way.I do not say that someone is not honest.I think people just do not know what I think it's time to give everyone time to let their eyes settle … It's a lot of "Why are you here?" and that's what it's all about. is a good question to ask.I think everyone is asking about everyone.I get to understand.As long as I can sleep at night and know that everything fits, then I feel good .

Miller chose to be open about his struggles and lead a public life, even though he knew he was locked in a certain niche of the celebrity world.

"Many times in my life, I have exerted this pressure to keep up with what I thought I was, or what I should be perceived," he added. Vulture in August. "And it creates pressure … It's annoying to be out and having someone come to me and think they know." They are like & "Yo, man, how are you?" I'm like "Yeah, I'm king at the grocery store."

Ironically, he also spoke on the tendency of an audience to dissect songs for parts, especially his own, as it was well known that he had fought against drug addiction and depression. In addition, he had a very public relationship with a very famous woman and, in the era of Instagram, all eyes were on him, no matter.

"I noticed it, as far as the titles and the people who listen to the music and take them into account, and apply them to the music, but I also did not talk about what the songs mean, we just left the car to the interpretation, "said Miller." I do not know if it's the right way or the wrong way or if it helps people digest my music properly or if it does not do it. I just have the impression of having worked so hard to do something, and when I take the kids to college, I have to leave them a little bit … Whatever. he is coming. "

He said that it could be more transparent, but let people make their different decisions.

"I guess I'm not as concerned about that as having a relationship with music in general," he said.

Miller, born Malcolm James McCormick in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, left the pack in 2010 while he was barely 18 years old with Internet titles such as "Nikes on My Feet". He was one of the 11 rappers featured in XXLFreshman class of 2011, with Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill and Lil Twist. His first studio album distributed as an independent, Blue Slide Park, made his debut at No. 1 on the Billboard 200, and he was gone.

"Nobody can hit what I'm doing because I've done it alone," he said. Complex in 2013. "There is no major label, I am not an engagement product."

But with success came the spoils. By the time he was recording what would become 2013 Watching movies with the sound offhe had developed a habit of syrup (cough syrup mixed with soda) – which, he soon realized, made him gain weight.

"The reality is that I won 40 pounds when I went to MTV and I did not want to be big on national TV, I just stopped," Miller said. Mac Miller and the Dope family ran on MTV 2 for two seasons, told MTV News.

"I kicked him, but it's addictive, do not joke," he added. "I do not know how bad I was, but I guess so."

In January 2014, he announced that he was leaving his long-time label, Rostrum Records. He released the melancholy faces, his tenth mixtape, alone, and he eventually wore his imprint REMember Music, created in 2013, to Warner Bros. His third album, 2015's GO: OD AM, was his first label album.

"Much of the music I've done recently was a little darker and sad – depressing if you want to," he said, explaining the optimistic title of Larry King sure Larry King now at the time. "And I wanted this album to be kind of a departure and feel like, you know, when you go out and get the newspaper."

Hope, as the dawn of a new day.

"I would not use the uplifting term, perhaps more as confident and just positive," he told King.

He also talked about addiction issues that required special attention even after leaving the syrup.

"I had a little battle, I had a lot of fun, I suppose, but it was time to clean up and get back to work," he told Power 105's. The breakfast club in August 2015. "Accept my responsibility and who I am and what I must do."

Miller did not go to rehab, he said, but he took a step back from the music and his health.

"I thought it was my right as a human to say that I did not want to do anything, I did not want to tour, I did not want to go out. an album, "he said. "There is a lot of space [in Los Angeles], so that I can disappear. I was just doing a lot of music and I felt comfortable in this area, I do not need to bring back money, I have money. Just record and have fun, then I realized that I had not put anything [in awhile]. "

There was not a "heavy message" behind GO: OD AMMiller added. "It's just a dumb double enthusiasm, where the first half is about grandchildren and the second half is the first time I've got 100 cents," he said.

In addition to the drug problem, "I was just depressed," he acknowledged to King. "… I think it started [with success]. It's funny because you talk to people and they say, "You know, what do you need to be depressed? You have money and [stuff]. & # 39; I think what it was – you know, I'm 18, 19 years old, I'm going through it for the first time, and I'm doing it very differently. who they are and what their identity is, it just gets fatter and it gets bigger because …

"Celebrity is tricky," Miller concludes, "because you read what is said about you, so you know what you know to be true and the lines begin to fade."

He did not really know why he was depressed, admits the likeable artist and "you want to put your finger on it", but you can not. "I just went through a long time when I did not wake up very happy."

Miller returned to the road and the estimable life that he had carved for himself continued. In the summer of 2016, he started dating Ariana Grande. They were spotted kissing Japanese food in Los Angeles in August and a few days later she took her to the MTV Video Music Awards. Great made them official Instagram in September.

They had known each other for several years, since they had collaborated at "The Way" in 2013, which included a kiss in the video clip, and there were even rumors of love while Grande had a little friend.

"When I went back to my old school, elementary school, college, the other day, I was in Pittsburgh and everyone panicked like" you kissed Ariana Grande. "I thought," Yeah. you know how I do it, "joked Miller with MTV News.

On a more serious note, he said, "Well, she's a very, very talented singer, as if she could sing incredibly, and that's awesome and she's a great person." my life."

Great says cosmpolitan Last year, their connection was even more advanced.

"I met her when I was 19," said the pop star. "We have loved, loved and respected each other since the beginning, even before we met, just because we were fans of their mutual talent. We were not ready at all to be together. need to experience some things, but the love has been there all the time ".

True to himself, Miller did not want listeners to read too much in his fourth album, the cult The divine femininebut it's not like he was not inspired at least partly by Grande.

"It's like the deity of the woman you love, you know?" he said Nylon. "And it's sort of like seeing the whole world in it – it's pretty simple, but also very complex in itself – I think the more the words surround what it means, the more it's seen on that that I'm trying to do here. "

More importantly, he had worked on the album completely sober.

"The idea of ​​being totally lucid was something I realized I had never done," Miller told the magazine. "As soon as I felt what it was like to wake up every day and feel good every morning, I realized how important it was to me." do so many things with a day I spent so much time waiting for the next Now I'm excited for each day, which is really great.As soon as I learned that I could do things sober creatively, so that was fine.It's even better because before, all my other aspects were destruction.Now I can do both, which is important because they are feed each other. "

Love was his drug instead.

"I think that often people just want to be cool, and being in love is not cool," Miller said. vogue in September 2016. "But I think it's the coolest, I think love is the coolest thing ever."

However, as he put it to Nylon"I think depending on what kind of love you get, it can be different, it can be good, it can be painful, it can be complicated, or it can be simple. is really what I wanted to capture with this album, it's all aspects of it. "

Really not want to talk so much about his personal life while promoting The divine feminine, which included another song with Grande, "My Favorite Part," he said The breakfast club: "I am here to talk about music and I find myself in a fantastic relationship with someone with whom I also like making music, so these lines can be very blurry about what I'm doing. try to do here. "

In April 2017, Miller described their relationship as "very casual" in an interview with W. "I do not know, man, I think we're just chilling, that's all, it's not the real world," he added, referring to their presence on social media.

Asked about his sobriety, he said he did not abstain completely. "… I had a very sober time and now I live just like me," he said. "I think it's important, I do not believe in anything, but I think I do not share that kind of information, because it becomes like," Oh, he's sober, oh he does not have any beer, oh my god. "I just realized that some things are important to keep for yourself – it was a learning experience – but it was important to let everyone know that I was not doing crazy amounts. of hard drugs.

At the One Love Manchester contest that Grande released in June 2017, a few weeks after a terrorist attack in front of his concert at Manchester Arena, Miller joined him on stage to perform "The Way". She greeted him with a big hug and a kiss.

More recently, they went to an evening after the Oscars together in March, and in April, Miller was with her at Coachella and tweeted with support: "Very proud of this girl here.Welcome.We missed you."

This tweet has since been deleted, with Miller's Instagram posts before July 12th.

In early May, it became clear that both had broken out. The distribution was attributed to competing schedules that separated them. "He's one of my best friends in the world and my favorites Malcolm McCormick," wrote Grande afterwards on Instagram. "I respect him and adore him constantly and I am grateful to have him in my life, in whatever form, at any time, regardless of the change in our relationship or the universe. for each of us! "

A few weeks later, Miller had his DUI accident. (He was charged with two offenses in August, his indictment was set for September 11.) A source told E! News saying that Grande "had been holding Mac together for a long time and that it was not a good relationship for her".

And soon enough, Grande is fed up with the blame game on social networks, rejecting a particular comment that accused him of emptying Miller for another guy after he took care to write an album about him.

"What nonsense to downplay women's self-esteem and their self-esteem by saying that someone should stay in a toxic relationship because he's written an album about them, which is nonsmoking. yet is not the case (just Cinderella is me) ". "I'm not a babysitter or a mother and no woman should feel obligated, I took care of her and I tried to maintain her balance for years (and always of course ) but because the inability of a man to stay together is a major problem. "

"Please, stop doing this, of course, I did not share how hard or scary it was while it was happening, but it was." I will continue to pray bottom of my heart so that the whole woman in this position too. "

By that time, she had started dating Davidson and the two men announced their commitment in June.

Zane Lowe asked Mac Miller in July whether meeting Grande, with all the attention that this relationship aroused, was particularly stressful.

"Life is stressful!" Miller said. "Of course, there have been stressful moments.Hear, it's not so unique, you know.I was in love with someone, we were together for two years, we lived good times, hard times, stress and all the rest … came to an end and we both continued and it's as simple as that! "

As for her engagement, "it's positive energy." I'm happy for her and her [that she’s] go ahead with her life, just as I'm sure she's with me. "

Meanwhile, Miller did not hide himself. He was simply lying after his arrest, working on Swimming and do not play the sub-part of social media.

"It all seemed totally irrelevant, you know, the need to show people that I was fine," he told Lowe. "Where does it come from?"

Wake up and do not Reaching her phone each morning was wonderful. "I used to look at my phone, go through Twitter and Instagram and caress and destroy my ego in five minutes every morning," he said.

Miller continued, "It's part of my emotional weight, my head space, but it's become second nature, right? So when all the press arrived, with the breakup and the DUI. But with all that has happened, it was too much, you know, I'm looking at the internet and I already have my own feelings, emotions and thoughts about what I've gone through . have room for everyone these [opinions]? So I completely cut it. "

And with what did he replace it? "Space!"

Swimming, which has a lot of features of a breaking album, made his debut at No. 3 when he came out. In his opinion, Fork said that Miller "is exploring his head space with a lot more focus than Duck, To come up, or Post Malone, artists who sometimes cut the emotional corners in their race to the next banger. "

Although the album was in full recovery, Miller had apparently come to the conclusion that being clear enough to feel his feelings was much better than simply being happy all the time.

He said Vulture"I really do not want just happiness. And I do not just want sadness either. I do not want to be depressed. I want to be able to have a good day and a bad day … I can not imagine not waking up from time to time and feeling like I did not want to do t-t. And then, spend days waking up and feeling at the top of the world. "

And it also seems like he thought he had a lot more time to overcome those highs and lows.

On "Self Care", he rapps, "I have all the time in the world / So for the moment I'm just chillin / More, I know it's, it's a beautiful sensation / In oblivion , Yeah yeah /

"Forget yeah, yeah."