The grace of Christine Blasey Ford exposes her cruelty

"Well, how do you feel when you look at it?"

My editor asked me this, when he called to see if I would write this column. I started answering and realized that my voice was shaking and my throat was tight. My eyes were warm and I realized that I was about to cry. I did not want to cry on the phone with my publisher. I was thinking of how Christine Blasey Ford probably did not want to cry in front of a committee of senators, on national television and in front of the whole world.

It was very difficult not to cry, to think about it.

I'm not good at writing emotional things quickly without having the time to deal with my feelings. It takes a lot of time to work things in my head, and sometimes out loud, to understand – even if what I'm trying to understand is myself.

I'm not surprised that Dr. Ford has not talked about his aggression for decades. No woman who has suffered any trauma would be surprised by this.

But it's amazing to imagine that she's sitting there, forced to take part in this national drama when what really matters is a very personal and awful thing she has had to carry with her for all these years. If I need time to write about my feelings by observing someone else's experience, what should Dr. Ford look like as I write this, who has less than 10 days to try to to prepare emotionally for this experience?

Dr. Ford is almost my mother's age. That's what I said to my editor when I started to choke him. Something filial shivers me as I hear his voice tremble. I felt angry and protective and upset. Upset in a childish way, too shaken. Anxious.

How could I not be? Watching this accomplished woman be so clearly affected by a horrible thing that she lived as a teenager. Knowing that many of us are experiencing these experiences inside of us, and will probably always do so.

But while the audition made me angrier and more frustrated, it was Dr. Ford who saved me from despair. The bravery of continuing to speak while his voice trembles. The way she is clear, polite, restrained.

Part of me hate that. Watch her smile and be nice to people who totally despise her personality, as we are often women. When asked to confirm if she wanted to take a break, she did so and quickly asked, "Does this work for you as well?"

Shaken, Chuck Grassley – who interrupted his female colleagues and Ford to apologize for politics and brag about his correction – tried to focus on himself and the good conduct of his team. He repeated his worn mantra that they all want to do what makes it comfortable. Ford smiled a little shyly and apologized almost saying, "I usually have to be collegial".

And then, there are times when I remembered that, despite some drift and hardship for years, Ford has finally found a way to grow despite its trauma by doing one of the most courageous things that I can imagine. The psychology professor explained that the release of hormones such as norepinephrine during a traumatic experience imprints the memory of the hippocampus, so that "the experience of trauma is somehow locked up there, while other details are derived.

When Patrick Leahy asked what was her biggest memory, she replied, "Laughter is indelible in the hippocampus. The shameful laughter between the two … have fun at my expense.

And here it is The model we are always looking for. No sexual assault; something deeper, more fundamental, more insidious. Remember Debbie Ramirez's story about how Brett Kavanaugh humiliated him at a party and that his classmates said he and his friends were often looking for fun at his expense. Remember Renate Dolphin, who signed a letter saying that Kavanaugh was a great guy, discovering all these years later that he and his friends called themselves "graduates" in their yearbook. , or at least claimed to have been. She said the discovery was "horrible, hurtful".

Of course that was the case. It's horrible to discover that someone, let alone a group of people, did not regard you as a human being, but as a benefit to what Lili Loofbourow of Slate called "a toxic homosociality." the comedy of being cruel to women. "

There is something particularly infuriating about this kind of cruelty. Something particularly damaging for someone, let alone for a group of people, by telegraphing that you are not useful, that you do not have any value, that you do not have any. are not a person. That you are less than them, basically.

It is an experience that many of us recognize. Women, yes, but also men who have been victims.

Grassley and Orrin Hatch behaved like sick children. They traumatized half of the nation and then spoiled Dr. Ford's time by interrupting her and their female colleagues. They chose a Conservative prosecutor to harass Dr. Ford about his bravery to face his fear of the plane, and they still did not shut their mouths. They are ashamed for their profession and for this country. They did nothing during this hearing, in addition to proving how unfit they are to serve the public, let alone a committee dedicated to the notion of justice.

Dr. Ford was redeeming this hearing. His courage, his grace, his ability to explain in scientific terms how the trauma attacks all of us, while showing us that it does not mean that we are broken. The scars we carry are not humiliation or defeat, but strength and survival.

For that, I will always be grateful to him.