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I went to a routine smear test in 2016, after pushing back a few months. It was said in my letter that I had severe dyskaryosis requiring further treatment. It was quite scary in itself.
I also read that I had been diagnosed as being positive for HPV. I thought it was HIV-related because it was the only three letters I had heard before. Instant and logical panic cue coming out of the window. When I searched for it on Google, I found a lot of information totally alien. I saw that it was an ITS and then I automatically thought that my partner had cheated on me. I felt extremely angry, then I thought of the worst case scenario, thinking it was so unfair that he could see our kids growing up and I would not do it.
After reading the letter, I remember very well sitting on the floor of my bathroom sobbing. I was not more upset, the possibility that I have cancer or that my partner of a decade was unfaithful and put me in this situation. In addition to thinking of the worst, I blamed myself because I assumed I was not careful enough. Why did I contract this? Why did not my body clear that? Did I do anything to put myself at risk of cervical cancer?
Even when I was talking about my cancer diagnosis with other women, there was always a sense of shame and embarrassment. I was at the doors of the school once when I spoke to one of the other positive HPV moms, and she looked me up and down with a tune horrible.
Reflecting back and now, knowing what I know, I did not need to be so pissed off, but at the time it was a very isolated place where no one could get turn. I read more about HPV in places like the Jo's Cervical Cancer Trust website, which took the weight of the world from my shoulders.
When I realized how common HPV was, my guilt went down and I was really shocked. I realized that I could not have done much to protect myself from HPV. The HPV vaccine was not available at school, so I could not have done much, it was that my body had not cleaned it, unfortunately for me. This virus is more common than any virus I've heard of, and yet few people knew it. Everyone I've talked to has never heard of it, and yet most of us will contract that.
I want to reassure women that if they are told they have HPV, it is not embarrassing or embarrassing. It is natural to have questions and to want to know more. I did not know that it could stay asleep for years and years, so it was not necessarily my partner who had transmitted HPV infection to me. When I learned that HPV was as common as colds and that I would not have to deal with infidelity and cancer, I felt much stronger.
We need to normalize HPV so that people who suffer from it do not jump to conclusions as I did!
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