Why October scares me

While October can be scary with its Halloween motif, this month is traumatic for me. I am not talking about the incident in which my father saw fit to take me to an "extreme haunted house" at the age of 7; I am referring to the fact that in October 2016, I discovered a mass on my testicle, I was told that I most likely had cancer and that the testicle had been removed in the space of three weeks. I was officially diagnosed with stage 2 testicular cancer on the day of Halloween (although I only received the results two days later).

Now, in 2018, I am two years away from this terrifying month, but anxiety continues to grow as the month passes. Last year, it was not until October 27th that I realized how badly I was messing around all month long.

That night (which coincided with the first anniversary of my operation), I watched the Netflix series Stranger things. Season 2 opened almost a year after the day that Will disappeared into another dark dimension (it was the plot of the first season). His psychologist listens to his anxieties about this date and states that Will's experience is normal and that it is indicative of "the birthday effect," when a " Anniversary of an event brings back traumatic memories. . "

Almost 30 seconds after the doctor said this line, I began to feel very overwhelmed and anxious for a variety of reasons. I started thinking about some minor inconveniences earlier in the day. Our HVAC system was not pumping hot air, so I spent two hours earlier connecting callers with installers, the home warranty company, and the manufacturer. Eventually, it was solved, but at that time, it was dinner time. Once dinner was over, it was too late to go to the gym and watch the show as I had planned.

I thought I would just start my training the next day, but since the installers had to arrive the next day, I did not know if that would happen or not. I also wanted some popcorn, but a student brought me a donut that morning. Fitness and healthy eating had become a priority for me, which is healthy. However, that night, a skipped workout, a donut and popcorn created an overwhelming sense of anxiety.

Ordinarily, they would be minor nuisances.

But while that scene was blinking in front of my eyes, all these events hit me suddenly and unexpectedly like a ton of bricks. I may not have been confronted with a dark and twisted world like Will, but I started my fight against another hell the previous year: cancer. I realized that I was facing my own birthday effect.

I guess that's what triggers feel, or maybe a slight anxiety attack. This is not a fun feeling. I could not necessarily understand why I felt so and so I did not really know what I had to do to get ahead.

I decided not to watch episode two because I did not want any more "fun" surprises. I tried to explain to my wife how I felt, but as usual, what I tried to say out loud did not quite fit my thoughts. I retired in solitude to write, and that is how I managed many of my cancer tests.

Some months later Strange things episode, I was diagnosed with depression and started taking antidepressants, which helped me tremendously. In the summer, I watched the rest of season 2 without any problem (aside from the disappointment of a secondary plot that never materialized).

Fast forward to October 2018 and feelings of anxiety are slowly rising. Almost the day the schedule shifted into this scary month, I had a dream – a nightmare, really – of my urologist telling me that the cancer had returned and that the prognosis was not as good as this time. I woke up panicked and had to reassure myself by telling myself that it was only in my head.

Speaking of my head, I developed a series of severe migraines the following week. I had never had a migraine before, but I woke up one a week every day for a week or so. This headache only disappeared when it was replaced by a strong cough. My first reaction was that headaches and coughs were signs that not only healed my cancer, but also metastasized my brain and lungs. Underlining about this has only made the headaches worse.

Eventually, more cold and flu symptoms started to appear. When I woke up with an earache, I decided to follow my own advice to go to the doctor when something went wrong. The doctor m diagnosed an infection to the ear and sinuses. After starting to take various antibiotics, resting and drinking a lot of fluids, I feel much better physically, which helps relieve mental problems.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: fighting cancer was the easiest part. Surviving is exponentially more difficult.

I know these concerns are normal among cancer survivors, but it's still important to share them so that we do not feel alone. Once the month of November is over, I will feel a little better because it marks the beginning of the chemotherapy that has been successful for me. I will do even better in December when I have my next series of analyzes, which hopefully will be clear.

If you come on your own and you feel frightened, sad, anxious, worried or anything like that, that's fine and know that there is a community here for you. With time, it is better (I hope) and you are stronger to admit that you need help.