We finally know what a dinosaur cesspool looks like

What you are about to watch is something quite extraordinary, something that has been described as “perfect” and “unique”. Direct your attention to the image accompanying this story, featuring two Psittacosaurus dinosaurs grazing on rocky terrain during the Cretaceous Period – in particular, watch where the left dinosaur’s hind legs and tail meet. Yes, those two bulbous oval shaped things. Do you know what you are watching? This is just our first close look at a real dinosaur asshole, never seen before (by human eyes).

How can we convey its meaning? The English language is insufficient. Nonetheless, let me try. Since there is a community of dinosaurs, they suffer from a lack of knowledge about their muse hole – what it looked like, how it worked, etc. – because fossils are rarely found with intact soft tissue. (Assholes fall into this category.) So when Jakob Vinther, a paleontologist at the University of Bristol in England, spotted a beautifully preserved asshole on a fossilized Psittacosaurus, he was stunned.

Now, a little aside: technically, dinosaurs don’t have what we think of as assholes. Instead, like birds and reptiles, they have cloacas, some sort of all-in-one hole that handles all the business affairs of the lower region: poo, pee, sperm, I’m so sorry.

In short, back to the notable opening. After recognizing its pristine condition, Vinther set out to create what would become the first three-dimensional reconstruction of a dinosaur cesspool so that the dinosaur community could finally get a glimpse of the multipurpose hole. With the knowledge and expertise of a paleoartist and biologist who focuses on the evolution of the genitals, they made their model, which elucidated both the appearance and function of the orifice. Their results were published earlier this week in the scientific journal Current biology, and now on this blog.

As for what the researchers learned about the precise anatomy of the hole, I couldn’t tell. Reading the study and the resulting coverage, whenever I came across “musk glands” and “lobes,” I found that I was not able to continue because I didn’t not like the sound of those words. I learned from Vice that the preserved hole contained a piece of fossilized shit. And, of course, the hole is breathtaking – the “Swiss Army Knife of Excretory Apertures,” as Vinther described it in an interview with Live Science. In another interview with the New York Times, Vinther once again reflected on the glorious hole, “Having a cesspool isn’t fair, ‘Gee whiz, here’s a cesspool.’” Well, no, you sure can’t argue with that.

My thoughts on the hole: it’s big enough. Like, easily the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen. Imagine if your hole was the same diameter as, what, your heel? I leave you with that thought.