What my video game family brings to Thanksgiving

Today is American Thanksgiving, and I’m one of the many (hopefully dear god, hopefully) who choose not to celebrate the holidays with a big family reunion. It sucks, but it’s a necessary sacrifice so that we can all be safe, healthy and living to spend the next Thanksgiving together.

Even without the specter of covid hanging over us, it’s been a while since my extended family got together and ate a good old-fashioned Thanksgiving meal. I miss my mom’s turkey and my aunt’s vinaigrette (she always made two kinds: oysters and non-oysters). I miss my other aunt’s collard greens, her black-eyed peas, and the sweet potatoes she garnishes with marshmallows and pecans. Above all, I miss my grandmother’s buns, which no one has been able to recreate since her death last January.

There are those of us who, whether through covid-imposed isolation or other bittersweet reasons, will be spending the day with our video game families instead of our real ones. Here’s what I think my video game family would bring to the Thanksgiving holiday.

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Barret Wallace (Final Fantasy VII remake)

This man does not cook. There is no way to know if he just can’t or just won’t. If he can’t do it in the microwave, it won’t. He relies on others, especially women, to feed his child. Not because he has an old-fashioned thought on gender roles, but because sometimes deep in his past a kitchen has wronged him morally and he has abandoned cooking forever.

He can grill his ass off though. Even if it’s Thanksgiving, expect a perfect breast.

Grace Walker (Wolfenstein: the new colossus)

Grace Walker is the kind of black aunt who prepares the Thanksgiving feast by swearing and fussing with a cigarette in her hand all the time without an ash spilling. She is the only aunt who can cook cook and is the only one with the privilege of making macaroni and cheese. It makes no sense to ask her for the recipe – the measures, timing and ingredients change as she wishes – but it tastes the same and so damn well Everytime. There’s a reason your older parents won’t eat unhandled macaroni and cheese and verbally destroy anyone who tries to usurp their sacred position. Don’t eat pork.

Athena (Hell)

Athena is the Candle Aunt who thinks she is better than everyone else because she graduated from higher education and studied abroad in Greece for a few years. She shies away from time to time to put out the fire at work by “granting a windfall.” You don’t know what she is doing, but you have the feeling that all of her coworkers are fools.

She brings store bought cookies for dessert that no one eats.

Clementine (The walking dead)

Like Barret, she does not cook. Never learned. Feeds exclusively on DoorDash. She is however very helpful and always eager to help in the kitchen. Aunt Grace often chases her because she is on the way. The matriarch of the family berates her for “yelling at her baby.”

Cullen Rutherford (Dragon Age: Inquisition)

Cullen is the white boyfriend everyone tolerates because he’s cute and deeply religious. Must be told to take off shoes. Wonders aloud where all the pots are.

Sazh Katzroy (Final Fantasy XIII)

Sazh is the uncle who insists everyone calls him “unc”. He’s the party uncle and Thanksgiving DJ. Often put on old hits that everyone knows but still say “what do you know about that here?” to his young nieces and nephews. Adores his young son.

Bring nothing but a deck of cards. Will murder the whole family at Spades.

Prince Zagreus (Hell)

Clementine’s friend from school who looked rather sad and pathetic, so she took him home with her. Is somehow connected to Athena but neither of them specifies. Doesn’t like to answer questions about his family. Do not bring food but bring a slut bottle of Something that everyone wants to try.

Don’t stay long.

Kazuma Kiryu (Yakuza 0)

Foreign student ?? Seriously, nobody knows how he got there, but nobody cares because he’s such a nice boy. Looks tough, but still plays with all the cousin kids. Big Mama asks if she can fix him a plate. He’s your brother now.

Commander Zavala (Destiny 2)

Can throw in the kitchen. Makes the collard greens, one with hamhocks and one without for Auntie Grace. She is impressed by his thoughtfulness and tries to slip him her number. Zavala makes weird excuses on “Europa” and “protect humanity” and slips out the back door.