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A wise grandparent can be the emergency relief you need in your back pocket.
Or grandparents can throw a serial key into your parenting style. If this only describes your situation, know that the problem does not exist only within your family:
Of more than 2,000 parents polled in a recent survey, nearly 45% said they criticized grandparents about their parenting choices, according to a report released Monday by the CS Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health by Michigan Medicine.
“It’s kind of a universal experiment,” said poll co-director Sarah Clark, a research scientist in the Department of Pediatrics at the University of Michigan.
The disagreements were classic: 40% of parents found grandparents too lenient with their grandchildren while 14% said grandparents were too harsh. The most common areas of conflict were discipline (57%), food (44%), and TV and screen time (36%).
“A loving and involved grandparent” can be good for children’s social and cognitive skills, identity, self-esteem and knowledge of family history, said Coleman, who is also a senior researcher at the Council on Contemporary. Families. He did not participate in the study.
Grandparents might also bring attributes to a child’s life that their parents might not be able to bring to bear, interfere with unhealthy dynamics, and suggest an “attitude toward the grandchild that might be more loving, compassionate. and indulgent, “he added.
“For grandparents, it is a deeply powerful source of meaning and pleasure,” he said. “The relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is one of shared vulnerability and a kind of innocence.”
However, conflict can arise when a grandparent has different ideas than you about the best way to raise children. During the pandemic, conflicts may have worsened due to stress – especially if you live in a multigenerational household. If the tension dissipates, there are a few strategies that could help restore peace.
Empathy
Parents and grandparents should take responsibility for the good intentions of each other’s behavior and try to understand their motives, Coleman recommended.
Grandparents can try to make up for their perceived or real shortcomings as parents. They might correct you if they are frustrated that you are repeating their mistakes without knowing it.
The older generation may also have lived in a different time when booster seats were not required by law, where there were no organic baby food labels, and where smart devices were not. did not exist.
Parents are anxious and feel guilty because they are raising children in an uncertain world in terms of economics, climate change and politics, Coleman said. And parenting advice is constantly evolving, “with no dearth of on-day articles or newsletters that tell you all the things you could be doing wrong as a parent.”
Higher standards can make parents feel more in control, and generational tension can create a breeding ground for conflict.
Focus on the important things
Figure out which issues are disruptors that require cohesion, Clark said.
Whether your children sit in booster seats on car trips and stop eating sugar before 3 p.m. is of the utmost importance – otherwise, they could injure themselves or experience negative behavior changes from the food. processed. “Try to get grandparents to understand (why) these are things we really need to do,” Clark said.
Parents should learn to “step back a bit” on less important matters, Clark added. “It’s good to let grandparents be grandparents.”
Having your kids stay awake later when their grandparents are looking at them isn’t a big deal, Clark said. Discipline isn’t either, if the disagreement is that your mom isn’t using the procrastination chair exactly the way you do. Spanking, on the other hand, could be a deciding factor.
Educate and set limits
It’s best to have conversations to deal with these issues when they arise and “when people are calm and well positioned,” Coleman said. Start by sharing the positive aspects brought by grandparents. The most difficult disagreements can arise from situations that grandparents did not have to face.
If grandparents find your teenager’s texting disrespectful, explain that smartphones are a big part of how kids communicate. Your kids can also put their phones away when they’re near their grandparents.
Some parents have reported tensions over grandparents sharing photos and information about the children on social media.
“Grandparents may not appreciate the privacy considerations that often influence decisions about what and where to post in a public forum, and should speak with parents about their views on including children in posts on social networks, ”the report says.
Finish by asking grandparents to respect your ideas even if they don’t understand or agree.
Let your partner handle your in-laws
Conflict management is best attempted by the biologically or closer parent, Coleman said.
An intervening in-laws usually don’t go as well, he added, as grandparents might blame you or rightly or wrongly assume that the other parent doesn’t agree with you. . They might try to circumvent your authority.
Grandparents would also have the most to lose – not seeing their adult children and grandchildren – if their own child pulls out of the relationship because they are not respected.
What to do when all else fails
Four in ten parents had asked a grandparent to change their behavior. For those who delayed or ultimately refused to adapt, the disagreements only intensified.
If your parents are slow to adjust, know that even when you’re making an effort, “it’s easy to fall back on your old ways, especially when it comes to things with kids where you’re not even. really aware of what you’re doing, ”Clark told me.
Ask your parents for their reasons for behaving the same way. If they don’t change, you get the final vote, Coleman said – which can sometimes be a snap if the conflict culminates instead of balancing. The percentage of parents who limited the time their child saw certain grandparents increased due to grandparents’ refusal to bend over.
Parents and grandparents should do their best to make things right, because breaking the relationship can be harmful to everyone in terms of feelings of anxiety, loss and stress, Coleman said. How the child makes sense of the separation can also be difficult.
If separation is necessary, help your child deal with it by pointing out that the change is because their grandparents don’t respect your ideas about how you are raising them. Tell your children that it doesn’t have to be forever and don’t slander them.
“The love that the grandchild has for the grandparents is part of it,” Coleman said. “And you don’t want to mar that with your own issues around grandparent behavior. Parents have a responsibility to follow this line fairly carefully.
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