Back to school: 4 ways parents can calm their fears

As a psychiatrist specializing in women’s mental health, I have spent the past few months celebrating alongside my patients as they planned family reunions and sent children to summer camp. But with the arrival of the Delta variant, old questions and a familiar desperation began to resurface in our sessions: Patients find themselves yo-yoing between “The kids will be fine” and “What if they don’t.” are not? “

With vaccination rates still low in some pockets of the country, an increase in pediatric cases of Covid-19, and battles in schools over mask warrants, parents are understandably disappointed and fearful of sending their children back to hospital. school.

Last year I wrote about coping with anxiety about back-to-school decisions. A year later, although the details differ, the landscape is sadly recognizable. If you’re a parent struggling to deal with the roller coaster of back-to-school emotions, consider turning to these tools to deal with it.

Anticipate your triggers.

Many of my patients felt deeply out of control when schools suddenly closed last year. I encouraged them to think of these trigger episodes as “little-T” traumas. Unlike big T trauma, such as natural disasters or the loss of a loved one, small T trauma is less dramatic on the outside. However, they can still evoke an overwhelming fear for his safety or livelihood.

When we experience a little T-trauma, our instinct is to avoid thinking about it again. We dismiss it as not so bad because we figured out how to survive. But this avoidance can end up backfiring on us and exposing us to more anxiety in the long run. Allowing you to emotionally prepare for a traumatic event, such as a school closure, in a controlled setting, will not only help you prevent a future seizure, but may even help heal some lingering wounds from the events of the year. last.

Try going through the dreaded experience head-on: practice thinking about the logistics of what happens if the school closes, then visualize how you will feel in your body when you receive that email or phone call. Allow yourself to feel the panic build up and connect with your body – how do you feel in your chest? Is your heart starting to beat faster?

If and when the time comes to close school at the last minute, you will now have the experience of staying present and dealing with your emotions. You can breathe, walk around the block, and then implement the plan you’ve already envisioned.

Practice psychological flexibility.

Research conducted during the pandemic has shown that people who have higher levels of psychological flexibility fare better mentally. Simply put, psychological flexibility is the ability to develop a more relaxed relationship with your thoughts and feelings, where you don’t allow them to control you or your reality.

For example, a parent who has an inflexible thought might identify with the following statement: “When I have a nasty thought about school, I know it will stay with me all day. On the other hand, a parent who works to cultivate flexibility might identify with this statement: “When I have a painful thought about school, I try to recognize that it is only one thought among many others. If you notice that you fall into the first category, keep a mental note of your thoughts and practice rephrasing your inner speech in less black and white language.

A research study of more than 700 parents, published last October in the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, found that parents who were inflexible in their thoughts during the pandemic were more likely to experience symptoms of depression. Their children were also more likely to exhibit symptoms of distress such as anxiety, mood problems, or aggressive behavior.

Recognize the hard truths.

Experts are encouraging parents to advocate for universal masking and physical distancing because the data supports these layers of protection, but this well-meaning call to action places a greater burden on already battered parents. Parents can internalize systemic failures, leading to a stressful “what if” and “if only” dialogue: “What if my child gets sick or schools close? If only we had a vaccine for children under 12.

When my patients allow themselves to admit depressing facts such as, “Things might never get back to normal completely” or “I have no control over much right now” or “The vaccine will get here when it does.” will happen ”, the tension in the room goes down a notch. Letting go of rumination and letting go of the truth can bring relief.

The best time to give yourself permission to recognize these scary but real truths is when you find yourself obsessed with all the ways that school could go wrong again.

Find meaning in the trauma.

For many parents, the pandemic means there is no time to feel, there is only time to do. (This was also true before the Covid-19 crisis.) But I encourage my patients and all parents to recognize their strong feelings, which can include despair, fury, loneliness and, with the arrival of Delta , a renewed sense of confusion. Many ask, “Are we supposed to be on the mend, or do we need to buckle up for another traumatic adventure?”

What if the answer was both and instead of falling into despair, you asked yourself different and more productive questions? For example: what have you learned about yourself as a parent over the past year? Were there any unexpected positive memories that stood out for you? What are you most proud of in yourself and in your children? When we are curious about our own suffering, we can gain insight.

These questions have led many of my patients to find meaning in the trauma. One patient was so thrilled with the creativity and joy she witnessed in her son when he didn’t have as many structured activities that she didn’t re-enroll him in the sport this spring. The withdrawal gave him confidence to make original decisions for the development of his son, a stark contrast to his own upbringing. Another patient stood up to her in-laws amid divergent views on vaccine safety, increasing her ability to defend herself and her family.

It’s normal, and quite understandable, to feel dejected right now. And, while I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I recognize a hard truth: Whether you like it or not, this year you are a little wiser, and therefore more prepared than you might think.

Pooja Lakshmin, MD, is the founder of Gemma, a digital education platform dedicated to women’s mental health, and is the author of a forthcoming book, “Empowered: Free Yourself from the Tyranny of Self-Care and Build True Well-Being.