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In laws that deal with the time of impurity after birth, the Torah informs us that there is an initial seven-day period of Tuma. Baal Haturim points out (Tazriya, 12: 2) that this corresponds to the seven days of mourning observed at the death of a person. The same way you enter (7 days) is the way it goes out. Although there are many mysteries surrounding the concepts of Tuma and Tehara, there should not be as much forgetfulness as knowing what is the appropriate behavior and topics of discussion or not. Menachem Avel who has lost a close relative. This week seems like a good time to discuss some appropriate protocols.
First, some of the misconceptions about grief in general need to be addressed. Although there is a multitude of Rabanan Mitzvos[1] and minhagim when there is mourning, there are only three halachos[2] of origin Torah[3]. They are: Eulogizing the deceased; organizing the funeral of the deceased and offering the first meal to the bereaved on their return from the burial site. All the rest is either of rabbinical origin or of evolved customs.
That being said, many of the halachos and minhagim that have evolved revolve around kindness and symbolic gestures of appropriate mourning. The purpose of this writing is to focus only on those related to kindness to those in mourning. Rabbeinu Yona and Rambam both describe the need for compassion for those who have suffered such loss. These losses are deeply personal and often have different meanings for different people, depending on a multitude of factors, including the nature and depth of the relationship; the relative ages of the bereaved and the deceased; and a number of other family, personal, and social variables. The only constant however is the feeling of loss.
The first thing to remember when entering a Shiva home is that you are there to comfort the mourning. There is a longstanding protocol that says you do not go to mourning until you come to it first. You are there for them, not the opposite. Most people in mourning agree that the most comforting thing for them is hearing stories or anecdotes about the deceased. If you did not know the deceased person, allowing the bereaved person to talk about the deceased person or ask questions about his / her youth and life often provides similar comfort. The critical factor seems to be the knowledge that the deceased person has a positive memory and that it will not be forgotten. All discussions about the deceased can be comforting, but of course, those of the great achievements or middos of the deceased have an even greater impact.
One of the most difficult homes to visit in Shiva is when a parent mourns the loss of a child, R'L. In simple terms, children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around. The loss in such a case is usually much deeper and deeper. If the deceased was old enough, the stories and memories of the deceased are again relevant and comforting. Even a young child can remember his smile, his laugh, or the joy he has given others. In the case of a baby or a very young child, there is often very little to say. Just being there and giving charity to the deceased's merit is an appropriate gesture.
WHAT TO DO: Although discussion about the deceased person is encouraged, discussing the precise cause of death, the suffering involved, or the nature of the illness that led to death is neither appropriate nor comforting for the bereaved person. Do not forget that you are not here to satisfy your curiosity but to comfort the mourning. Likewise, a Shiva house is not a place of lightness. Although it may be thought that the injection of humor can help relieve some of the grief, it can be felt later as disrespectful by those in mourning.
The best way to compensate for the feeling of loss is to help bereaved people feel the love of family, friends and the community. This alleviates some of the inevitable feelings of loss and loneliness of people in mourning. This is indeed one of the reasons given for Seudas Haavra (first meal after burial). People in mourning need to know that they have friends and a community who are there to support them emotionally. This is why donations made in the name of the deceased to charities are also comforting. It reminds the mourners we think of; he perpetuates the memory of the deceased and at the same time gives him the merit of charity.
Although books and voluminous treatises have been written on the subject, it is sometimes useful to have a beacon or a homing device, which avoids an exhaustive reading on short notice. Like many of the Mitzvos, those around Aveilus and Nichum Aveilim derive from the most basic concepts of kindness towards other Jews. If we can keep this concept in the foreground at all times, this will allow us to be the most compassionate in the most difficult times.
[1] Obviously, we must also be careful to respect the Mitzvos ordered by the rabbis. Nevertheless, it is necessary to know which mitzvos belong to the Torah and which are mandated by the rabbi to avoid Baal Toseph.
[2] There is in fact a disagreement between Rabbeinu Yona and Rambam about whether there are three or four Mitzvos of the Torah involving the mourning process. Rabbeinu Yona says that comforting mourners fall under the category of Chasadim Gemillas, while the Rambam says that it is a rabbinical mandate.
[3] The Rambam reports several other halakha for the first day of the aveilos that are Min Hatorah, including not washing or paying attention to his appearance, not wearing shoes, engaging in intimacy, getting haircuts, etc. .
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