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Dear Amy, I am a happily married woman in her thirties. Two years ago, my mother died tragically from cancer, which devastated my father. A year later, he married "Maria".
Although I am delighted that Dad looks happy and less alone, I can not help but notice how cruel Maria seems to be. The first thing she did after moving in was to have my mother's beloved dog fall asleep (she said the dog was old and "they had decided that they did not want any more." 39; pets ").
After that, I received a package in the mail filled with my paintings. I am an artist and many of my paintings have been exposed around the house. Maria had taken them because they "had decided to redecorate".
I live at two o'clock and when I call them, I rarely have the opportunity to talk to my dad. Maria always answers the phone and if I ask, she will say that he is too tired or that he is in the shower. I do not know if Maria gives him my messages because, when I can talk to him, he acts as if I have not called for years.
I am an adult woman and I am happy to see that my father has company. The last thing I want to be is small. But this woman's actions hurt me and I need an objective outside observer to tell me if my feelings are out of place. Obviously, my mother still misses me terribly, so maybe it hurts my judgment. What should I do / say to this woman, if any?
– Girl worried
Dear Worries: It looks like your father's wife is deliberately (and successfully) isolating your father. Euthanizing the dog, redecorating it and sending your paintings to you quickly is a way for you to remove familiar – and probably comforting – aspects of your father's previous life.
It can be extremely painful to see a loved one involved in an abusive or controlling relationship. Attempting to intervene or possibly intimidate the controlling party will not necessarily work and may turn against him.
Presumably, your father is in good cognitive health. He has the right to choose to be with this woman. However, you must do everything in your power to stay in close contact with him. Visit at least once a month and invite them both to visit you for the night. The best way to keep an eye on your dad would be to become his friend as much as possible.
If you notice any signs of abuse, neglect or financial abuse, if you can never talk to your father or worry about sudden changes in his health or behavior, you can call a maltreatment hotline. in their area for advice. intervention.
Dear Amy, I am a 70 year old woman with a 39 year old girl. Through DNA testing, she recently discovered that my husband was not his biological father.
I had to admit to having a love affair with a married man for two years. He would not get a divorce but he wanted me mistress. We quarreled and he disowned us and our baby, and went away.
I recently located him, but his family refuses to let my daughter visit him because he has had a severe stroke. I am very confused.
– A guilty mother!
Dear Guilty: The timeline is a little uncertain, but I will assume that your husband has always known that he was not the biological father of your daughter. Please, understand that it is an important part of this family equation.
What you need to do now is to be perfectly honest and transparent with your daughter, providing answers to her questions, to the best of your ability. In addition to the emotional impact on her, she is likely to have valid genetic issues. The married man who abandoned you, you and his daughter, can not come now, and if he is weakened, his family will realistically try to protect him (and themselves) from this shock.
Give all the contact information to your daughter. Support her efforts and support her emotionally as well, as she is going through a very difficult transition in her own life.
Dear Amy, I totally agree with your answer to "Pete the Packrat".
Never rent a storage unit for your excess business. It just creates a space vacuum to fill with more things. I learned this the hard way and I try very hard to change.
– Old Packrat
Dear Packrat, What my family calls "hoeing" is an ongoing process. I thank you for your trust!
(You can contact Amy Dickinson by email at [email protected].) Readers can send a mail to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @ askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
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