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Dear Amy, Two years ago, a very close friend of 20 years old has me ghostly. I called, texted and sent him an email without getting an answer. A few weeks later, when I asked her for an explanation, she replied, "You do not have to apologize", but she could not write an explanation because "It was too horrible and hurtful".
For me, his statement contradicted the fact that I had nothing to excuse myself. There was no incident before the ghost images, so I really did not know why she had behaved that way.
She concluded by saying, "I think we should separate."
I stopped going to a performance series to which she, a mutual friend, and I attended together because the audience was restricted and that seeing her would show me my injury. She continued to go there, so she seemed to have the impression that this problem was solved.
I have crossed it several times since. She did not look embarrassed. I feel bad.
Now she's joining my church, so I'll meet her from time to time. If she joined the church to which she knows I'm going, she apparently does not feel any discomfort.
I even prefer not to recognize her when I see her, but that seems inappropriate to the church. I have considered talking to a clergyman, but I expect the council to be a forgiver. Maybe I did not forgive if I got pissed again, but she did not bother me anymore until I could see her.
If I stay away from religious events, I will behave like a culprit, but I do not know what I am guilty of doing.
But I do not want any kind of interaction with her, even a conversation at the coffee hour. So, Amy, how can I handle that?
– Hurt a ghost friend
Dear Hurt: Do not avoid the advice of the clergy, just because you anticipate what you are going to hear, pursue it.
You have to find a way to deal with this. Your old friend behaved badly by letting you down so suddenly and refusing an explanation.
You should be honest with her now. Tell him: "I admit being very hurt and bewildered by your behavior towards me." I try to forgive you for throwing me and I want to move on, but your refusal to communicate why you ended this friendship made moving on even harder for me. "
That's all. You simply say your truth, without waiting for an answer or specific result. And then, yes, you work on forgiveness. Giving forgiveness is a personal and spiritual challenge. To forgive her, she will free you and deepen your practice of faith.
My theory about this – for what it's worth – is that she (not you) did something unethical or deeply embarrassing, and that she'd rather bury it than to take care of it.
Dear Amy, I was recently taken out for my birthday.
On the way home, my friend said, "Next time, it's your turn to play!"
Am I old school or was it really inappropriate?
– Anniversary confused
Dear Bemused: I do not think that your friend's exclamation is really inappropriate, but rather clumsy. Ideally, the script would have been returned.
After the meal, you would have thanked your friend and you exclaimed: "Next time, it's me!"
Your boyfriend has created some awkwardness, but that should not affect your memory of generosity, nor your gratitude for it.
Dear Amy, The letter "Nervous Nelly" describing her postpartum anxiety really resonated with me.
Unlike Nervous Nelly, I was never anxious before having my child.
Some days, I could not even leave home with fear. Attempts to ask other mothers if they felt so led to side eyes and incredulous looks, and left me very alone.
I urge Nervous Nelly to seek the help of a professional. The therapy, associated with an antidepressant, has saved my life and made me safer and happier!
She is certainly not alone!
– More nervous
Dear no longer: In answering this question, I detailed my own postpartum anxiety fight. One of the most difficult aspects of this experience, for me, was the shame of not feeling "normal," "natural," or even ready for motherhood.
Other parents who had never experienced this have made me feel even worse. Thank God, my own mother – and my partner – were so compassionate to me at that time. My own anxiety has gradually dissipated, but yes, any woman who experiences it must absolutely go for treatment immediately.
(You can contact Amy Dickinson by email at [email protected].) Readers can send a mail to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @ askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
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