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Dear Amy: I have been trying to figure out how to deal with family members who decide to cut off all communication with me without an explanation.
An episode happened with my niece, who is in her thirties. The last thing I said to him was, “Would you like to come visit us?” His response was, “Why are people trying to get me to do things I don’t want to do?” And that’s the last time she spoke to me. She blocked me on her social media and didn’t respond to any text messages or phone calls.
It’s been almost three years.
Just a few months ago, my younger sister cut me off from her social media. I asked her why and she said, “I don’t want to share my life with you now. I asked what I had done or said and she said, “I’m asking for some space.
It has been almost four months since this happened.
I asked my other sister and our mother what I had done, and they said they didn’t know.
This sister recently traveled to our area and when she visited my mother she would not allow me, my husband or any of our children to go to my mother’s house.
My mother allowed him to take that control. My children were upset that they weren’t allowed to visit their grandmother. I still have no idea what I did that caused all of this.
My little sister is still talking to our two other sisters.
It’s really hard for me because I’m 20 years older than this sister and I was like a second mom to her. I did so much for her growing up. Until recently we were close, at least I thought we were.
What did I do?
– In the dark
Expensive in the Dark: Emphasizing distance in times of discomfort (or conflict) seems to be built into the core emotional operating system of some families.
In the case of your family, your mother’s choice to cede your sister’s control over who visits her own home speaks volumes.
The technique of passive-aggressive silence and avoidance could extend to previous generations.
You obviously disturb these young family members, and my instinct is that if you are considerably older than them, and if you see yourself as a mother figure to them, you are most likely weighing in on their choices and ingraining in the networks. social, where the tone of a comment or response can easily be misunderstood.
This is – at best – not cool. At worst, it’s intrusive and embarrassing.
Your sister has asked for “some space,” and you must respect her request and give her space.
And because your family members are both volatile and avoidant, you should rethink your own tone on social media and elsewhere and consider doing things differently.
Dear Amy, I know you have touched on a lot of immunization issues (and received a bit of warmth). Honestly, I believe people have the right to keep their status private. I would never ask questions about someone’s choice of vaccination.
I don’t know why people feel the need to know about other people’s vaccines.
Your opinion on this?
– Wondering
Dear, I wonder: Like you, I have never asked anyone for vax status because I believe in medical evidence, indicating that my own vaccination protects me from the more serious aspects of COVID disease and will help keep me away from the hospital if I contract the virus.
In a recent event, someone asked me if I was vaccinated. I replied: “Why are you asking?”
Turns out they were using it more or less as a conversation starter.
Medically vulnerable people MUST do everything possible to protect their own health, and if that includes asking for their immunization status, they should do so.
But (in my opinion), if you are not medically vulnerable, this is not a start of a conversation, but an end of a conversation.
Dear Amy: “Trying to Repent” wanted to apologize to her ex-girlfriend for her abusive behavior during the relationship. Your advice NOT to contact her was well placed.
A woman I’ve dated in the past reached out and apologized for the way she handled things.
I was really upset that she texted me and waited two weeks to respond.
She told me that she apologized because she felt “bad” about the way she was handling things. How selfish.
One person’s decision to try to grow taller shouldn’t come at the expense of another victim a second time.
– No contact
Dear No Contact: Absolutely.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
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