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Dear Amy, My sister has been dating Bob for 18 months. About six months after the start of his dating, Bob began to publicly manifest a strange behavior, for example by asking my father if he would leave him in his will or give him one of his cars. .
This has prompted some family members (including myself) to look into the story of this guy. We discovered that he had lied about his profession, that he had been arrested but that he had not been convicted of raping at the university (the young person girl did not want to testify) and that he had been involved in a scandal in a private high school in which he had been fired from teaching for possession of child pornography (students) in another city.
My wife and I used to let our girl go out with my sister and him, but since then we have obviously cut off all visits.
We told my sister what we had learned and, despite the information, she chose to believe it: all this is only a misunderstanding. Of course, it's his right to make that choice.
Since this confrontation, other family members have had problems with this guy, including one time he has been making sexual comments to a family member.
My sister and he are getting married now. My wife and I would rather not attend the wedding and do not want our daughter involved. This caused an important drama in our family while my parents want us to attend to support my sister.
I believe that she made a mistake in marrying this guy. She is free to do what she wants, but I do not think it needs to be there to testify to it.
What would you do?
– Brother worried
Dear worried: Generally, I believe that you have to hold your nose and attend weddings to support the family member whose unfortunate judgment may require family solidarity and / or intervention on the road.
However, given what you have learned about this guy, I can understand why you want to give a lot of space to this event. If that's the case, you should be direct with your sister: "Unfortunately, because of serious concerns about the story and the character of" Bob ", we are not able to support your choice to marry him. "Attending the wedding would be hypocritical on our part, and we regret not being there."
If you choose to attend, surely find something else to do for your daughter that day. You must not in any way place it on the path of this man.
Dear Amy, I am the eldest of my brothers and sisters. We all have the same mother, but different fathers.
Last night, while I was browsing Facebook, I was reminded of how they do not call, come and / or do not include me when they want something.
I wondered why this dynamic exists. I also wondered what you would think.
These questions crossed my mind: what does family mean for these people?
Why do family members call me or even include me when they only want something from me? Should I even call them family? Or should I call them otherwise – or not call them? And finally, how should I react to their behavior? What is the right way to handle this?
– outgoing member
Dear Out: If you are the eldest of your siblings, all with different fathers, it seems likely that your life at home has been difficult or chaotic.
As the elder, your siblings can see you as a parental figure; someone to talk to when he wants or needs something.
If there is a significant age difference between all of you and if the fathers and your mother are not available or are working poorly, you would be perceived as the stable and solid lifeline for your group of brothers and sisters. sisters.
None of this seems particularly right to you, because you want to be a brother or sister, not a parent.
I hope you find a way to discuss it with all your brothers and sisters, with love and honesty. Complex and complicated family dynamics can be very slow to change. But that can change and, for your sake, I hope that will be the case.
Dear Amy, "Furious" described her decision not to attend her nephew's wedding because her adult children had not been invited.
Thank you for calling their smallness. Parents should not be involved in the lives of their adult children to the point of insulting them in a proactive way and exaggerating them.
– Chill
Dear Chill, One of the pleasures of having grown children is that it is no longer necessary to fight for them.
(You can contact Amy Dickinson by email at [email protected].) Readers can send a mail to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @ askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
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