Why does the husband keep things in place? A psychologist responds to the reader's letter

In the traditional section "Advice to psychologists", the editor of LADY.TUT.BY publishes letters from readers who have encountered difficulties in their relations with their relatives. Today, psychologists tell the reader why the husband saved the present from the old.

It's easy to lose a loved one, but the return of an emotional connection or the discovery of the new sustainable is not the simplest task. Perhaps you should not be heroic and try to solve a problem that does not seem to be resolved. We offer professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.

You send us your story, and we publish it with the comments of specialists. In order to better understand the essence of the problem, please send the most detailed stories (of course, as far as this concerns you personally). And we will do our best so that good mood, harmony and peace come back to you. The anonymity of the letters is guaranteed.

We are waiting for your letters to [email protected]. That your letter is not lost, please indicate in the subject "My story".

– We have been married for about a year, we live in a rented apartment. At the time of the move, her husband brought home a book from one of his favorite authors and left it on the nightstand. Once I did the housework, I opened the book and saw a sweet poem signing her ex-wife, that is to say that the book is his gift to her husband. I was upset, but I tried to forget and not attach importance. One evening he sat down to read, and once again I saw this signature, I could not resist, I asked the question: "Why do we have things in the house that recall the first?"

He got angry and said that I did not have the right to search his things. and put me to blame. Although I did not delve into things, I took in my hands what was in sight, and when I opened the book, I did not intend to find compromising material.

Once your husband had such a reaction to the fact that you took a book that is in plain view, he probably a kind of attachment to past relationships. But that does not mean that he has stopped respecting you or loving you. It is difficult to answer because you have shown little information.

Most likely, if you are proposing to speak confidentially about this situation – why did he have such a reaction – maybe your husband will tell you what he feels and what he or she feels. he needs this thing, why he is attached to it. And you, in turn, will have the opportunity to talk about your feelings and that his attachment to things of the past negatively affects your relationship.

Sergey Zhadko, psychologist at the Center for Successful Relations