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We received a letter from the reader, whose content may compete with "Santa Barbara". The author of the story and his man for many years now converge and then diverge. She raises two children from him and lives in two families. Why a woman has such a relationship and how to get out, explains the psychologist.
It is easy to lose a loved one, but it is not the easiest task to reconnect or find a new one. Maybe you should not be a hero and try to solve a problem that seems unsolvable. We offer professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.
You send us your story and we publish it with the comments of experts. So that we can better understand the essence of the problem, send us the most detailed stories (of course, it suits you personally). And we will do our best so that good mood, harmony and peace come back to you. Letters of anonymity guaranteed.
We are waiting for your letters at [email protected]. So that your letter is not misplaced, please indicate in the subject "My story".
– I worked in the company as an economist, my future husband is also a driver. We communicated as colleagues. I knew that he had a lot of fans, he looked very good and young. There were also men in my life.
At one point he started to pay me special attention and we started to meet. Immediately gathered, began to live in my dormitory. Then he was fired from his job (because of his own stupidity), I kept both of us. In general, the difficulties with money and quarrels began.
On this wave, I went to a sanatorium, where I met another … I wanted to get away from my "driver", but he did not let go. He forgave me for treason, made an offer and we got married. And here are the same problems immediately returned: his earnings are temporary, my salary goes to all expenses. In parallel, I discover that I am pregnant.
The husband offered to save money and move in with his mother. Relationships with us categorically did not work and life in this house was hell for me. My husband was not at home, he was sitting in garages for days and it did not pay anything. I suffered from all this for a year, then I gave my son to the nursery and went to work.
Six months later, after going to work, I had the opportunity to rent an apartment and install there with my son. My husband came to our house and then left … I could not stand it and I applied for a divorce and alimony, so I saw that the situation did not change.
He still had no permanent job, but I had to use several at a time to pay the rent, to support my son and myself. For the first time in court, they granted a stay of reconciliation, for the second time we were led.
It seemed that everything: everyone has their own life, but no … He came back again and again. I wanted my son to see his father more often, hoping that my ex-husband would change, start earning money and become a family man (I was still a man).
At one point, it seemed to me that everything was better, I softened a bit and thought about the fact that we might need to be together again. And then he left for good, without explaining anything.
Through social networks, I learned that it turns out he has a girlfriend and they have been together for several months. The investigation started between him, the new girl and me, after which he said: "We are all finished, I stay with her."
I have hysteria, tears, unbelievable pain … I was worried before all this in front of my son, I have terribly given up, I started drinking antidepressants. What do you think … For two and a half years, he ran from her to me and back.
At the same time, she saw that he was fine: two women like him, both with an apartment, both earn a lot and accept him for what he is.
In December 2017, at Christmas, he came up with the words: "Forgive me for everything, let's live together, I need our family." And just from this girl's social networks, I find out that they were together at New Year, he gave her a ring and made her an offer.
I decided that it was the end, enough with me.
But I learned that I was expecting a child from him again. The entire second pregnancy, I was at the edge of a nervous breakdown. That wrote to him "come back", then "I do not want anything from you."
I know that he does not love me for long. What comes to see a son, but for me it does not shoot anymore.
My son and I ruined my childhood and my psyche: I became very vulnerable and cried. Dad only sees when he has time, once a week or two. I would like to change everything myself. Specifically, I would like my husband to become another, become a good husband and a good father, already stop running for two families … But that's what I want, not him. Help tips what to do? How to learn to live and let go of this person?
Psychologist's comment
Elena Dubovik, psychologist, director of the Center for Successful Relations
– Let's start with an unpleasant but very useful thought: your life is the result of your choice.
You made this choice at the beginning of your knowledge and continue to strengthen it. Most likely, you are not aware of this choice, but it does not mitigate or negate the consequences.
The main task of the girl at the beginning of a relationship is to make a wise choice. It is the most important interview and the most important test, guaranteeing harmony in the next period (women) or suffering.
It's sad that girls rarely remember it.
Remember that the fantastic heroines gave themselves a good choice.
"The tale is a lie, yes it" contains all the wisdom of the generations. The princess asked riddles and confided tasks to the applicant. You will get a ring from the bottom of the sea, you will conquer the dragon, you will solve riddles – I am yours. Otherwise, he realizes himself that this does not suit his husband.
Many times your elected representative has shown you his inability to live, his inconsistency and his irresponsibility, and you have chosen him for it.
Stability, the ability to rely on it, dedication in what it was not, and no. You admit it yourself.
A man must not only demonstrate his potential, but also prove that it will always be so. In this statement, there is no bias towards men. A girl, to become a wife, must also demonstrate and prove to the elector stable qualities that ensure that she will be a good companion.
The fact that your chosen is what it is will have to be accepted without illusions. Otherwise, you will endlessly manipulate your consciousness using unachievable hope.
Maybe you ask him what type of behavior he chooses. Maybe for you a brave, mature and responsible man is dangerous?
On the other hand, the connection between you can be more complex. Generally, a partner is a reflection of our internal content. There is something in your personality that provides this connection.
If your inner human image is immature, incoherent, and irresponsible, you are secretly bound to your man, even though, on the outside, you can be collected unnecessarily, pull everything on your shoulders, try to control everything . Such an Amazon is armed externally, but inside, he is vulnerable, uncertain, and doubtful.
Do not forget the double standards. You demonstrate a requirement, but basically, you want a completely different one. Such a duality can provoke it in incoherent actions. Often uncertain women try to reinforce their value by pushing a partner to choose between her and someone or something else.
What to do with all this? To live further, but in a more conscious and responsible way.
Instead of waiting for your partner's changes, leave him alone and have fun.
Self-awareness and personal growth will give you the long-awaited effect when a man's attention, support and responsibility are not discussed but are an integral part of relationships. Specialists in this area to help you.
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