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Since the Khachaturian sisters were charged – article "Murder by a group of people by prior agreement" (from eight to twenty years in prison), a new wave of discussions on the topic of domestic violence began on the Web. Our columnist Anna Petrova did not stay out of the way.
Now, everyone shares an article on how the law on domestic violence is organized in America. They publish a detailed plan that will help us out of a violent relationship – translated from English but slightly adapted to our realities …
And they write the truth: despite all these multi-pbad projects, the victim of violence in the realities of the post-Soviet space often has only two options: to die or go to jail. To go beyond the limits of legitimate defense allowed.
Why does this subject concern each of us, when the events are not taking place in Belarus? Because, in the case of Khachaturian, we see how society – not an abstract society as a whole, but quite concrete, living people, our friends and neighbors – refers to the victims of violence. And what will happen if it happens to us personally?
They will just ask us: why did not you leave?
Those who talk about it – from Dudy and Lebedev to our national opinion leaders – say pretty much the same thing: yes, we support the victims. Yes, it is unacceptable. Yes, and advice on surrender: girls, do not tolerate, as soon as you hit – leave immediately.
It is easy to see: even in comments, which should express support, the focus is on the victim and, therefore, all responsibility lies automatically with him. Violence is again used as a kind of natural disaster, which can be avoided if the victim makes an effort (for example, hides and hides, as if it came from the rain).
Only for some reason, no one writes messages addressed to men: "Guys, violence is unacceptable, stop, we will fight and protect!" Nobody says, "If this woman constantly provokes you, do not beat her, but go ahead." Nobody convinces: "Bro, violence is not an option."
Many questions – only to the victim. This behavior of hers is seen under a magnifying glbad, she is told: "If she did not leave, it means that everything was fine". Even when it ends in murder, we hear that "it's not all that simple", "we still need to know how it behaved" and "listen on the other side ".
The view is very popular that the victim is herself to blame because she chose such a m **** and now endure and not complain. Some, scary to say, "the rector of the Institute of Psychotherapy and Medical Psychology" writes that "it is necessary to make these fools understand that violence is exercised not by the rapist, but by a couple "give women to marry m ***** c.
Beside the post "they should do it", you can find an opinion: "I would never tolerate such a thing".
– Yes, I would have a child in his arms – and barefoot in the snow!
Yes Yes.
The experts have written a lot about the mechanisms of the relationship between the victim and the abuzer However, as a simple and visual explanation, I will quote the psychotherapist Adrian Imge:
"The victims do not leave, because here is how the psychological abuse works:
- get closer to the victim (become a husband, a teacher, a tutor);
- destroy the defense mechanisms (self-esteem, self-confidence, communication with loved ones, ability to work);
- promote the idea of violence (you can offend, if you brought it, follow it, if you wear makeup, beat, if you quoted Aibolit);
- rape and beat;
- to badert that it is normal and that there will be no help whatsoever. Ideally, destroy the victim so that she says it herself.
Here is how it works. Such a scheme is always. Yes, you would have gone. They bought a sword, a budennovka, and a bicycle, found work, lived in the street, fed on dew, if that – they fluttered wings and flew away. And the victims are in a cycle of violence, it is impossible to get out without help. Victims of violence do not go away because they are victims of violence. "
It should show only a drop of empathy and think a little bit to understand: going away is not so easy.
For example, you live with your husband in your common apartment. Here, all of life – and you and your children. Close relatives or not at all, or you do not communicate. And here you are facing increasing violence from a man, and society is telling you without hesitation, "Go away."
Or? At the hotel? For a rented apartment?
What kind of money?
In a shelter for victims of violence? Well, let's say. But how long? And what's next? Under the bridge?
And in the end, why should you, and not the rapist, have to extricate yourself from your own life and your children, from your own home? Why is there no real defense mechanism, with the exception of "drop everything and run"?
All right, it's worthwhile to imagine under the given circumstances, because it becomes immediately obvious that this "barefoot in the snow and hair back" looks very beautiful, this It has nothing to do with real life.
(And we still do not talk about situations where they just do not give you leave).
Go for it. The person who hit you – not a bridge maniac. You were married to him – maybe because of a lot of love. For a while, we lived happily preparing a common future. You stroked his shirt and slept on his shoulder, he may have held your hand while you were giving birth.
Relationships do not start with a blow to the jaw. You are not struck by a stranger, but by your own person, the nearest. And it is natural to hope that you will always be able to replay: the husband will become as before and your relationship will improve.
Even without being a psychologist, one can badume that a victim of violence who lives in constant fear and stress can not think as logically and consistently as people in front of controllers who advise him to leave.
The victim is not able to plan for the long term. She can only think of how to survive here and now. Therefore, when it is necessary to leave, a woman is so morally broken that she has no resources. And without outside help, these resources will not appear – psychological, physical or financial. The salvation must come from the outside.
And another important nuance. Those who say "just go away" for some reason badume that the tyrant will magically disappear from the face of the earth forever, and that the victim will live happily. And this is another misconception of the world of pink unicorns.
In most cases, the abuser finds and continues to pursue the victim wherever she goes. They rush into specialized shelters for victims of violence and bring their children. They watch their wives in the porches of their parents, on leaving work – and they kill. It should be remembered that the woman whose husband had cut his hands had already left at that time. But often, "leaving" is no less dangerous than staying.
And victims, cornered, take extreme measures to stay alive. And then again and again: "I am guilty myself".
For example, by addressing the subject of khatchaturian sisters in a conversation with a family member who does not use the internet and who pulls all the information exclusively from television, I heard something like, "But do not these girls deserve to be punished? I saw it here, I told on TV what creatures they were: they killed their own father!
And this is the opinion of a woman. And the men have gone further: some go to the pickets and demand the maximum punishment for the girls. Despite proven evidence of many years of violence and terror, men demand "justice". They write that "hey, he just raped them and they killed him."
It turns out that men (not everyone, agree!) Are easier to badociate, even with a moral monster and a rapist, but not with a woman, not with a woman. victim of violence.
This may be due in part to the fact that women have learned to respect men's boundaries (to respect, not to ask too much, not to drink, not to push, to endure, to be silent, to smile), while men do not are not obliged to respect the boundaries of women. Moreover, in our culture, a man must support, push, show who is the boss.
Violence in boys has been encouraged since childhood: take a punch, give a rebuff, lose weight. The manifestation of male aggression for many years has been perceived not only as a norm, but also as an added benefit: a brutal macho, a real man, will not count for two. In the complex network of gender stereotypes, the masculine aggression is legitimate and endorsed: "It must let off steam".
But what to say, we all grew up in an atmosphere of violence, just look at the polls to find out who and how parents are punished in their childhood. With the right approach, each of us can be broken and convinced that "we are guilty" and that "no one will help." We beat children – boys grow up and beat their wives, girls grow up and suffer blows – it's a centuries-old cycle of violence, from which it's very difficult.
It is said that schools are still trying to introduce some basic notions about family life and other lessons that are drowning for traditional values. Here are just these "traditional values" with their attitudes of "be patient, stay calm and obey" – this is fertile ground for the abuser.
And what is really important, is to teach from childhood that violence is unacceptable in all its manifestations, not only physical, but also psychological, reproductive and financial. That in relationships we can not exercise power, we can not break, push, oppress and restrict. And whoever attacked first must leave forever.
The opinion of the author may not coincide with the position of the editors.
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