"Tell my mother that she is silly." Psychologist tells how to help a child survive separation from parents

But we must understand that in addition to the literal "let him bring child support", mom gives the child a message " your father is bad, irresponsible, do not think about you (and about me) ". will say with they forget that one person perceives the information of another metaphysically, that is through intonation, facial expressions, posture, gestures , even the frequency of breathing, sometimes say much more

This suggests that children always know what is really going on between parents, no matter how they try to hide the truth …

Why Parents Invite they children in these dialogues? Because it hurts. And you want to somehow transmit this pain to a former partner. Tell your ex-husband or wife about your feelings is difficult, scary and not particularly accepted in our society. Of course, it is much easier to throw "loaded" words at the child, to "give" them.

In the example at the beginning of the article, a father who does not really spit, who is very hurt and unable to live an intense experience, all that with his son. Obviously, he has something to say to his ex-wife. But he does things differently: he seeks an affordable way to discuss his feelings and not to hear the answer, to absolve himself of responsibility for what has happened.

He wants the child to feel for his mother the same thing. It is important to pay attention to the fact that he knows that it will cause pain to his child. Otherwise, he would not simply ask the question of how to do it without pain. But it will necessarily cause him such a conversation. Even if the child reacts externally evenly, even if he says nothing, even if the dad seems like the child has sympathized with him or has made up his mind … L & # 39; child will feel pain. Because now his mother is "bad", the father is "weak" and he must be "protected", and now we do not know how and with whom to behave … And now if for example it became scary to run to the "bad" "Mom or the" weak "dad? ..

Do not blame mother and father, that's what they do not They do not like their children, they blame their problems, compensate for their feelings at their own expense, their mentality at these times is completely focused on their own pain, resentment, hate.The wounded and frightened beast even bites the saving hand. But it's important to remember that every action has a consequence – and it's never too late to draw attention to the fact that by saving your feelings, you can hurt it well. another …

The psyche of the child is not always able to cope with d difficult life situations. And even more so with those where the parental "war" is taking place. If even adults do not come out, how can a child do that? And the younger he is, the harder it is for him to "digest", to treat everything that happens. Yes, children can not say, go tell him. Most of the situation that they do not realize, do not understand and can not explain to themselves or to others.

Divorce is always painful for all participants. But you can leave it unused, that is to say without serious consequences for the psyche. There are several rules that will help you go through and pbad your children through this process with the least loss.

1. Talking about impending divorce is necessary. Children are easier to experience difficulties if they are warned about them. When a person sees that something is wrong, and at that moment she says that everything is in order, it greatly increases the anxiety. Frequent illnesses, aggravation of allergic reactions, the "bad" behavior, disturbed sleep and the feeding of children are bright signs of this anxiety

2. Children should only receive information that They can treat because of their age. fathers do not touch children. Personal grievances, experiences should be shared only between them. Children do not need to know the reasons for their separation: it does not help them. And this, again, is only the question of parents and their relationship.

3. If the separation was unexpected for one of the adults, then he should inform the children that the second parent will reside elsewhere, because the adults have decided. Everyone can not hide real feelings. But it is important for children to know that feelings and emotions do not have to be hidden, which is normal to feel when something unpleasant or painful is happening. You can tell your son or daughter that separation causes pain. You can cry with the children. But it is important not to discuss "details" with them, not to scare children by the intensity of feelings: "I will not survive" and "I would rather die" – bad options.

4. If there is no strength to forgive,: I can not bear my feelings, I feel bad, I still can not accept the act of Ivan / Katya (it is better to use the name of a former partner instead of the phrase "your father / your mother")

5. often ignored treatment of children: "All that happens between us with My mother / father We love you both, we are close to you and always open to you. "

For the child, the parent is an example How to cope with An example of how to overcome the complexities of life Understanding that adults can make mistakes,