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By CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn,
I have a very stressful job and a disabled husband and a mother.
I also have a friend who makes fun of using my cell phone whenever we are together. Yes, I check my phones every 10 minutes, but I still worry that someone needs me.
Plus, every time I show her pictures, she says that she's not interested and keeps telling me to "tidy up the phone and live in reality".
I can not relax if I do not have my phone on me. Her lifestyle is very laid back, so she does not understand the pressure I'm under. This friend helps me a lot and I do not want to lose her. No suggestion?
– I can not hang up
I will not approve intimidation under. Your friend has well explained her point of view, and her only decent option now is to decide what she will endure and then maintain that line. The harp "whenever we are together" is just heinous.
I'll cover it all if she writes me one day.
In the meantime, for you: your telephone check is rude. And your friend is right to live "in the real world" – not despite, because of your very stressful responsibilities.
Do not tune the message simply because the messenger has crossed a line. As I do with this unsolicited advice.
If you are exhausted, you will not be a good employee or caregiver, and you will be amazed if the only mental freedom you allow yourself is in 10-minute increments. Can you even feel the freedom when you measure it with the sweep of a second hand, for constant fear of misfortune?
I do not need to know you to be certain that your 100% accessibility standard is not sustainable.
We need rest. All of us. We think better with that, we solve problems better, we work better; we care more deeply, we connect better, we feel better.
You have important responsibilities, I will not minimize that, and I will not neglect the comfort you feel when you feel ready to assume them.
I simply suggest, urgently, to write a new, more elaborate definition of "prepared".
Choose your time, for example, when you have to be available – when the difference between being inaccessible for 10 minutes or 60 minutes is life and death, being used or dismissed, 911 will not be enough. This stark.
In those days, yes, be grateful for your phone. Well at least, schedule them to have you sing special sounds for work and family so that you never have to "check".
Then, outside of these moments, create a rest space. Have a system for other people to cover you during these … workouts, walks, lunches with friends? … and give yourself completely. To close. of. your. Phooone.
And use some sources of perspectives: 1) The land has homo sapiens for over 300 000 years; smartphones, not even 30. You can do it. 2) You are vincible, like everyone else. So treat these personal memory breakdowns as test events on a day when you can not be called or called. 3) Keep your favorite version of the adage, "Cemeteries are filled with indispensable men", as convenient as possible without getting depressed.
With your friend: Decide how long you can turn off your phone; say it to him; say you're done – and you're done – talking to her.
Email Carolyn at [email protected], follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 am Pacific time every Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
(c) 2019, Washington Post Writers Group
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