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Dear Annie: I read with interest and sadness the letter from “Forgotten Girl”, who thinks her mother is developing dementia or Alzheimer’s disease like their grandfather had. I know this process firsthand. My maternal grandmother had this dreaded disease, and now my mother has it. Like the writer’s mother, my mother showed signs earlier than her parents. I agree with your opinion that it is important to get the person to see their doctor. However, they should be aware that it is often difficult to gain the agreement of the loved one because they believe (or want to believe) that there is nothing wrong with them. It is also important to see a doctor who is familiar with dementia, otherwise you could end up in a worse situation than the one you started.
Finally, with regard to the loved one telling the same stories over and over again, and the defensive attitude – these are parts of the disease that all caregivers and the family must learn to cope with. The one piece of advice that has been most successful for our family and caregivers is not to argue. If she means the same thing more than once, I have to practice the skill of patience, which is not my favorite – nor most people’s – but it is practical. Likewise, try to be understanding when they are frustrated and work on not taking it personally.
Seeing someone you love have dementia is a difficult and sometimes brutal journey. But there are also good times; good and tender moments of connection. This is what keeps us (relatively) sane, and I wish the author of the letter and their mom such moments. Thank you for being an advocate for good care for dementia patients and their families. – See it first hand
Dear Firsthand: Thank you for your wonderful advice. You clearly have experience with the disease and you deal with it with grace. Good luck to you and your family.
Dear Annie: As a caregiver and daughter-in-law, I would just like to say that your advice for “Forgotten Girl” is correct. This girl is in a very difficult position, but she should try to remember that our reality cannot be forced on her mother. Sometimes you have to live in its reality and pretend you’ve never heard this story or just accept what it says. Enjoy every moment and every story that you can because when they are gone you will wish you could hear them all over again. I have to remind my husband all the time. Don’t regret not taking the time you have to build fond memories now. – Understand the caregiver
Dear Comprehensive Caregiver: I love the idea of enjoying every moment, memory and story with those we love. Cherishing those we love every day is the greatest gift we can give them and ourselves.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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