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To what extent have researchers asked middle age adults, did your parents ignore suggestions or advice that would make their lives easier or safer?
Ignore the instructions of their doctors?
Insist on doing things in their own way, even if it makes their lives or those of others more difficult, inconvenient or dangerous?
For example, several studies led by gerontology consultant Allison Heid at Penn State and Rowan University have measured the perception of adult children's stubbornness by aging parents.
This has turned out to be a widespread complaint.
In an initial study of 189 adult children and their parents, Dr. Heid and her colleagues found that 77% of children (mean age: 55 years old) reported stubborn behavior on the part of their parents, at least sometimes.
But two-thirds of parents (mean age 80) also said they were stubborn.
In a later study, researchers asked 192 middle-aged children to keep a seven-day diary on parental interactions. Of those who had contact with their parents that week, 31% reported "persistent" behaviors and 17% reported "at-risk" behaviors; 11 percent says that they met both.
"The stories are endless," said Dr. Heid, whose interest in the subject was prompted by a grandmother determined to shovel the snow, despite the protests of his children, until he was 80 years old.
Lori Kayne, a geriatric social worker in Bridgewater, NJ, can tell such stories. His late father, whose poor balance had caused multiple falls but no serious injuries, resisted his request to use his walker. "We had a lot of matches," she recalls, but she never won.
Then last year, his father fell and fractured several vertebrae. "He was in terrible agony for months," Kayne said – but at least he was finally counting on the walker. She thought that at 87, he had become more reasonable.
Nope. "As soon as he started to feel better, he refused the walker, even though he knew what could happen," Kayne said with a sigh.
Laura Perry has seen similar battles. His father-in-law, 87, worried about skin cancer. Mrs. Perry, who lives near Glastonbury, Connecticut, felt compelled to go to a dermatologist's office.
At the time of the appointment, she said, her father-in-law indicated what skin lesion he wanted to perform a biopsy. The doctor replied that after examining all the lesions of his patient, he would decide which, if any, required a screening test.
The angry patient was not long in coming, so Mrs. Perry brought her home without a biopsy. The deadlock came back three months later. His stepfather still wants a biopsy. "I will not take you anymore," said Mrs. Perry.
The more polite term of social science for such skirmishes: incompatible goals. "If the goal is not shared – the older person wants to walk to the grocery store and the child says," I do not think it's a good idea ", it's when a conflict may arise Says Dr. Heid.
She found that such clashes and related stubbornness information increase when the parent and child live together. Perceived stubbornness also increases when a parent's disability increases.
"When a child comes in, more often than not, there is a safety problem," Dr. Heid said. "The parent can not share these feelings about their abilities."
These familiar, probably universal, debates between security and autonomy have led some critics to object that adult children place too much emphasis on the former, when what matters most to their parents is to maintain their independence and pursue what they find meaningful.
When parents feel upset, is resistance really stubborn? Perhaps their children, who in these studies were not caregivers, were overbearing or intrusive.
Stubbornness could actually be a positive feature, suggested Dr. Heid. It shows toughness, persistence, a sense of control.
But obstinacy, too, can have painful consequences. In the largest study of Dr. Heid, involving nearly 400 middle-aged children, the most common response was avoidance: children back off and let the disputed question go.
"But when they do, they report more depressive symptoms and fewer positive relationships," Dr. Heid said. "They may be internalizing their distress."
To argue with his parents is just as unfortunate. The study shows that what helps, that's the reasoning. "This allows for a more open exchange of views and more discussion," said Dr. Heid.
Reasoning with someone who seems impenetrable seems to sound like a challenge. "It's a very difficult thing, this gap between what we need and what we want and what is good for us," said Marci Gleason, social psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin.
Social scientists have learned that seniors who provide support have improved their well-being and health. Receiving help, however, is associated with a negative mood.
After decades of helping their children, older people are reluctant to become dependent on them. "Even if they accept it intellectually, it's hard to get help," Dr. Gleason said. "This may indicate that you are not needed and that people want to feel needed."
She suggests trying to equalize the power in the relationship, allowing the parent to also provide support, even listening empathically to a child's story about a difficult week. "It could be beneficial for the relationship not to have everything be unilateral," said Dr. Gleason.
She is also a fan of gradual progress, a negotiation that leads to a more reciprocal exchange.
To prove the concept, meet the Abrams family.
Carl Abrams, a 90-year-old retired Air Force colonel, lives in Williamstown, New Jersey, with his 88-year-old wife Joan. "He is very angry and very opposed," said his oldest daughter, 63-year-old Tamar Abrams, who visits Falls Church, Virginia, twice a month.
In 2016, his family was worried about his behavior. Mr. Abrams had knocked several mirrors out of his Buick, sometimes lost his way, fell asleep once behind the wheel and swept a truck. It was time to return the keys, said the family.
After lengthy discussions, Mr Abrams agreed to undergo a new test from the state agency specialized in motor vehicles, which caused a failure. "We were convinced that he would fail, but he agreed," said his daughter.
Months have passed; his wife started refusing to ride with him. The family has negotiated a series of increasingly stringent restrictions: first, Mr. Abrams agreed not to drive at night. Then drive only in familiar places. Finally, stay within five miles of the house.
"Sometimes it exploded," said Tamar Abrams. "But if you give him time and you come back to the discussion, he would be O.K."
Mr. Abrams now relies on a bright red scooter, powered by battery. "An excellent compromise," he said. "If it was not for the scooter, I would go crazy at home."
Twice a week, he travels two miles to lunch at Applebee, where the servers all know his name, and recovers some shopping before returning home.
"If it was not going to cross a major intersection, it would be a charming ritual," said Tamar Abrams. No one (with the exception of Mr. Abrams) feels happy navigating through six lanes on his scooter, even at a traffic light.
But she understands. "You cling to life who you think you are," she said. So, "we hold our breath and let it go."
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