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AMY: It may sound silly, but my 50th high school meeting is fast approaching. One of the people who will attend is the "naughty child" who tormented me.
I can not tell you how many times he was following me in the hall shouting, "Hey, ugly! YOU ARE SO USEFUL IN KILLING YOURSELF! "
According to people who still know him, he spent the middle years tweaking his spiritual repartee.
I had a long and happy marriage (he was married / divorced four times), a wonderful family and a great career (chemistry researcher). I do not know why it always bothers me. Why does it always hurt?
I do not want him to control my behavior. I thought about how to react if I see it. I decided not to remember him. I am also ready to leave quickly if I wish. I understand that this is a sad and unhappy person or a bad idiot. Anyway, I have my husband and my children.
I love your wise advice.
Hurt
Dear wounded: It still hurts because being bullied and harassed in adolescence is harmful, unsettling and unforgettable. Of course, it always hurts!
You should think about the injured life of the young person who would be so cruel. Only a deeply marked person would want to torment and hurt another young person so obviously.
But enough about him.
I like your idea of "not knowing" this man during the event. If you can not avoid a meeting or introduction, answer with "… and you are …?" Can make you smile inside.
I guess you were not his only victim. Attend this meeting knowing that you have a squad of people (all students who are bullied, harassed, or formerly solitary reading this) who encourage you.
AMY: I am married to the man of my dreams. After a difficult first marriage, I was rewarded by a second.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years now, and we always feel like we are having our honeymoon. The problem? I am terrified that something will happen to him.
I know it's silly, but the fear of his death never leaves me.
I stay awake some nights, my heart beating, worried.
I know that worrying solves absolutely nothing, but I can not shake it! I went to therapy, but my insurance does not cover mental health and my city is sorely lacking in resources. I'm on two waiting lists for affordable treatment, but I do not know what to do in the meantime. Tips for managing this fear?
Scared Silly in New Orleans
SILLY SOLD OUT: Since this fear and rumination interfere with your daily life, it is important that you continue to use professional counselors.
I guess this overwhelming fear that you live does not really lie in your husband, but in your mind. Composing with other losses in your life will help you embrace your current daily blessings with less fear attached.
If you do not learn to handle this, your persistent fear will affect your beautiful and loving relationship.
In the short term, I suggest diving into practical and healthy activities that could help you rearrange your brain. Running, yoga, meditation and music are activities that you can practice to distract and expand your awareness and to better control your ruminant thoughts.
You live in New Orleans (lucky!) And so I suggest you take your ukulele and participate in one of the many free jam sessions that are born in the city. The music will open.
For an introductory guide to a daily meditation practice, read "How to meditate: a practical guide to making friends with your mind", from the wonderful Buddhist sage Pema Chodron (2013, It looks like true). With a sweet good mood, Chodron guides the reader with love towards the practice of beginner's meditation.
Your frightening thoughts will always come into your mind. But meditation can teach you to open a window and let these thoughts simply pass.
AMY: Thank you for your response to "Saddened", which was recently dropped by her husband. No, she should not have to beg her husband to see their children, but yes, she should always try to defend the rights of children.
As you said in your answer, it is difficult.
Was there
DEAR TO BE THERE: Yes it is difficult. But that's what good parents do.
You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or on Facebook.
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