I deserve to be called grandmother, and she does

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CHER CAROLYN: Being a grandmother is very important to me. The title of grandmother is a badge that I wear with great pride.

My husband's sister, Charlotte, has never married and does not have children. She encourages young people to talk to her as Charlotte's grandmother. I am upset that she is trying to claim my title. I've already mentioned this in a casual tone. Charlotte dismissed the idea by saying that some children had multiple adults whom they admired as a grandparent.

Charlotte needs to know how much it irritates me. I want to ask him to stop this misappropriation of my badge of honor. Do you think my concern is valid? How can I take it?

American grandmother

DEAR AMERICAN: If I'm worried about a title – no matter what title – that reaches the point of causing angry resentment is not valid, will that change things?

I guess no, but an overflow of love is one of the best problems to have; if a point of view can make you rethink yours, give it a chance.

Charlotte's self-unction is odious, yes. No question. And she erase you after you spoke was her own violation because she was alerted to her encroachment and selfishly chose not to back down. She could have so easily said, "Sorry to walk on your feet!" And imagine a new title.

Unfortunately, you can be absolutely right and be paralyzing at the same time. And I do not need to say clearly where to say "go to war to find out who is called grandmother".

Your challenge is to find a way to honor your feelings and maintain a healthy perspective.

First, I suggest recognizing why you are so invested. You clearly see your grandchildren as the culmination of the work or purpose of your life. Of course, you feel possessive.

Then work hard to release this possessiveness. The only thing that really matters is the relationships you value. It's the person you are and the people you love who matter.

Then look at the superficiality of the titles. "Grandmother" Charlotte does not make Charlotte a grandmother more than "queen" Charlotte would make her a queen. Not to mention his encouragement to kids to call him, it's not the same as succeeding. Ask all the grandparents who tried to take such control; little children make their own gravity.

Finally, look at the need that Charlotte is trying to fill. She wants to be important. Who can possibly blame him? Your campaign to "stop this hijacking" and make sure that she "knows"[s] how much it irritates me, "however, carries the tacit message:" You do not count as much as you think. really belong. A worry that she will then redouble efforts to relax.

The most productive thing you can do – and not by coincidence, the most compassionate – is to include Charlotte as you can. "The kids are lucky to have in their life, Charlotte. They admire you and it is obvious that you like them a lot. What they call one of us is just a facade.

Maybe you will feel more sincere when you hear it directly from the mouth of the real grandmother.

CHER CAROLYN: My five-month-old boyfriend just broke up with me because he does not know when (if ever) he will feel comfortable that I have a 2 year old. He knows my son from the beginning and told me that it would not be a problem, but he wanted things to go slowly.

Our relationship was amazing: he introduced me to his close friends, relatives and colleagues, who all liked me very much. He never met my son but bought him gifts.

He is stressed at work, so it can play a role. I do not know if he will be able to solve this problem so that we can recover or if he is frozen.

I did not contact him to give him space to think. I feel a bit blind and I need an outside point of view.

CHER J .: Things are always frozen until they are gone.

Kissing it will save you a lot of crazy during your life.

Regarding the reason your boyfriend broke up, please accept it as is. It's not stress at work, nor a broken promise that your son "would not be a problem".

This is actually one of the possible healthy outcomes of "tak[ing] things slowly ": he went out with you, remained aware that you are a parent and felt uneasiness that he could not solve.

As he refreshed his gait slowly and sincerely tried to know you and to include you; how fresher he has taken decisive action on his doubts. This break suggests that he was a good boyfriend – which is ironic and painful now, and even better than the selfish cruelty (toward you and your child) of the alternative, of dispelling those doubts about the road.

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