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Dear Amy: My wife and I recently visited our cross-border family for the first time since COVID hit.
We did not insist on any vaccination protocol for my wife’s family, even though the unvaccinated children all go to school.
We only applied a protocol to my mother, who is not vaccinated but also extremely insular (she is the guardian of three disabled children and rarely leaves the house or receives someone).
We said we wouldn’t meet her indoors due to her immunization status. We only saw her in the courtyard.
I told my wife that it hurt me to do this, and she expressed regret that it hurt me but would not reconsider her choice.
I even showed her that unvaccinated children on her side of the family were probably a much higher risk to us. She was impassive.
Now the tour is over but I’m swimming in a fog of guilt and depression about it.
I tried telling my wife that it hurt a lot, and she doesn’t seem to care. She reminds me that she broke the “rules” for seeing my mother, although my wife also uses public transport every day, presumably with a number of unvaccinated people at one point.
Is immunization status so sacrosanct to adults that the family should be treated this way? Am I right to continue to feel hurt? Am I right to be alarmed that my wound is of such little value to this woman?
Pro-Vax-But-Feeling-Stunned
Dear Pro-Vax: You let your wife forbid you to be near your mother. Yes, it looks like she sets the rules for both of you, but changes those rules when it suits her.
Even if you set your wife’s no-contact rule as intending to protect both of you (mainly her), close contact with your unvaccinated mother and her caregivers – as well as limbs unvaccinated family – could potentially endanger them.
The CDC says that in July, “new data began to emerge that the Delta variant was more infectious and resulted in increased transmissibility compared to other variants, even in some vaccinated individuals.”
“There is some evidence to suggest that the Delta variant may cause more severe disease than the previous variants in unvaccinated people. In two different studies in Canada and Scotland, patients infected with the Delta variant were more likely to be hospitalized than patients infected with Alpha or the original virus that causes COVID-19. Even so, the vast majority of hospitalizations and deaths caused by COVID-19 are unvaccinated people. “
This information is frequently updated; always check CDC.gov (search for “Delta variant”) for the latest recommendations.
It’s not about the treatment your wife gave you that hurt you. I agree that her lack of compassion is alarming, but I hope you understand that, for now, you’ve probably done the right thing for your mother and the people she cared for by keeping your distance.
Dear Amy: I have a problem that is really bothering me. I had a twin sister who died last year during the pandemic. We were very close.
My problem was that she was in a nursing home and of course she couldn’t have visitors. She died when she was alone, and it hurts so much.
I realize that other people have lost a loved one, but how can I overcome this loss?
Mourning
Dear mourning: I am so sorry for what you (and so many others) are going through. The prospect of not being able to be physically with a loved one at the end of their life is absolutely heartbreaking. And losing your twin – I can only imagine the impact of that loss.
The way to overcome grief is one day at a time. Help of camaraderie and friendship. Talking, crying, or sitting quietly with people who know how to listen before you jump will help.
In my family we have a saying: “We respect. I hope you find people who will accompany you. A good place to start is to contact your local hospice. Learn about bereavement groups. Force yourself to attend a meeting (virtually, if necessary) and let other people guide you.
Dear Amy: You advised “BFF in the West” to hire her best friend as a real estate agent!
Absolutely not. Never get involved with friends in a business where the stakes are so high.
Was there
Dear summer there: Success will depend on the temperament and professionalism of all parties. I agree that there is a risk.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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